wide open spaces

I am not used to the wide open spaces on my calendar with nothing in it except the extensive workouts I have planned 3 times a day this week.

I am always on the go! Ask any one of my friends and they will tell you it’s almost always hard to make plans with me, because I am always busy, and when we do make plans, sometimes I have to cancel them and I feel bad.

Whether it be my daily therapy sessions, meetings at school, church, errands, boy needs, family needs, house needs, heart DR appointments and pretty much living in the car – then to try and find some me time at the end of the day to write, or even catch a TV show that I DVR’d, or snuggle with my boys.

This next 10 days my calendar is clear except for taking on this new physical challenge and time for me within to do some head clearing!! I can’t even write that without believing it.

Right now, I just got back from a 5 mile run/walk and some core workouts, and I am sitting on the couch with my legs up, writing and I dont have a thing planned! The house is quiet, my husband is sitting on the love seat working from home, my phone is not ringing off the hook, and it feels SO weird, but yet something feels good about it!

I was talking to my therapist on the phone yesterday morning before he left and he asked me what I had planned to do all week during the break, and I said “Andy, absolutely nothing but working out hard core and taking time for me” and his reaction was “WOW” – he knows what my life is like everyday – he knows the hard work I put in day in and day out all around, every part of my life. He knows I show up 4 days a week, he knows I work hard through writing, and talking, and constantly weeding through the trials of healing! he knows I don’t rest till my butt hits the couch at night.

Of course I will connect and write emails or texts over break, but I told my therapist that I really am going to focus on me and the down-time and learn how to slow myself down and see whats there. I need that wide open space this week!

My whole life since I was little I was always busy, keeping myself busy from space allowing to grab me. If I stop – I think, and sometimes when I think – I feel, and when I feel – I have emotions .. so I keep busy! always being one step ahead of what is behind me.

What I am learning slowly is how to slow down a little, allowing myself to feel, and sometimes honoring how I feel  and I have realized that it actually heals and opens up a little more relief every time. It’s not easy to slow down when all you want to do is GO!

When I was running this morning at the gym, all I could think about was change .. what will be different taking this space to be within, how will it change the course of my path in a great way? I think enduring this new intense workout routine will open my soul to dig deeper than I ever have before emotionally, and I think it’s going to be interesting when I return from break.

There is a blessing and a curse to being busy and there is a blessing and a curse to having wide open spaces! I just need to learn to honor both, and be on both sides of the scale.

Wide open spaces is what’s ahead for me in the next 10 days! I can’t wait to see what happens next. I may even go to Atlanta and take a ballet class or Jazz class at Dance 101!

So here I am, and the wide open space awaits me, scary, yet exciting at the same time!