trusting to {be}

24 hours ago I was ready to take down my blog and move on from writing.

I was faced against something last Friday that I thought was over and done with, and I have to say it took me by surprise that it resurfaced again.

Sometimes when I am triggered or surprised I tend to block out, and choose the easier way out – by removing myself from the unsafe feelings – even if it means sacrificing something I love.

Thursday I sat with my therapist and read my “last blog post”, I sat there sobbing as he was reading the post off his laptop outloud holding my hand. I felt in that moment how bad it felt, and it felt like I was taking down something that was a huge part of me and my healing, and it just didn’t feel right to move away from something so huge.

His eyes were even teary in the thought of me taking my blog down, it’s something neither of us wanted to see happen as it’s been a huge core of my healing, and not only for me, but for others as well. He kept pondering over the fact that this should not have to happen, and trying to convince me otherwise, all while understanding how it felt.

My husband felt the same way, did not want to see me take the blog down because he knows how much writing means to me.

Today My therapist said something to me as we problem solved and figured out how we could keep my blog up, without having the stress or worry on what is going on in the background, and he said something that struck me,  “you have to trust me on this that this will fade soon in time”. “trust me on this”.. “trust me ok?”.

I have trusted the process for 5 years, I am not about to stop trusting now. Something about those words just made me feel at ease today as we talked about what it would look like to keep the blog up, write like I have been writing for over a year now, and just trust the process and him.

It was when that I decided that I was not going to leave something I love, but I was going to endure it with freedom. I deleted my blog stats program that run the blog, and I will write to write, and no longer care about what is going on behind it.

I was reminded today – This is about MY healing MY journey, MY writing, and my LIFE.. something that no one can really take from me, but a palce that others can learn from and embrace.

This has truly been frustrating on so many levels for months now, and I am ready for this to just be done, and although the trigger showed up last Friday unexpected, today I feel different, because I know I am supported, loved and cared for through this blog and my writing, and the empowerment I gain over this is just being no matter who is watching.

My healing in therapy the past 2 months have been so different, so so different in a great way, and today was just another example of healing and learning and trusting the process of what my therapist holds in front of me. He always has a way of making me see something that is there, and encourages me to be me with no fear.

Thank you Andy for helping me and supporting me through sessions, emails, texts and phone calls this week to keep me grounded and to encourage me to stay with something I love to do, and helping me to stay true to what I know.

“trust me on this”.. those 4 words that ring loud in my ears tonight as I sit here and write this blog and I smile and have butterflies that I will not have to panic and look at my stats everyday hoping and praying the trigger doesn’t resurface, I can write freely and filled with truth knowing I have support around this – because this is “my” journey to heal.