tonight – raw thoughts

The quote reads “there are no shortcuts to any place worth going”

As I sat here tonight, I thought to myself. There is no rule of thumb that says I cannot post in my blog more than once in a day if I need to, or want to.

My blog is my vent, my place to be, my place to heal, my place to just be Karen, the way I want to be.

I look at my blog as a place to go and talk to it; while sharing it with others who are also on their own journey to healing.

I sit here tonight at 11:00pm, and I feel like just talking! Whatever comes out comes out! The best part about this? It’s my journey, it’s my thoughts, and it’s my feelings. No rules, no judgment, no filtering!

This has been a rough week! I have had a lot of ups and downs. I actually for the first time in a long time craved the pain killers. Why not? Why would I not crave it? Why would I not crave the one thing that numbs how I feel?

Craving it, and acting on it are two different things. I chose truth, I chose healing, I chose feeling, and that is what I will do. I won’t turn to the pain killers, but I am not going to sit here and lie and say I didn’t’ think about it – you bet I DID! How could I not think about something that gave me relief in 30 minutes for a WHOLE 2-4 hours!

I sit here tonight writing in my blog and I am seeing this writing AS my pain killer! I chose to talk about it instead!

The quote above is a true testament of what I am going through right now. NO shortcuts. The long way, is the right way, it’s the true way, but the hard way. It’s painful, it’s hard work, but it’s worth it, because when I get there, I am THERE!

It sucks and sometimes I feel like I am a hamster in a wheel going around and around and around! I feel like sometimes I am catching my tail and then having to run again. But that is why the quote states “there are no shortcuts to anyplace worth going”.

I am having a hard time with the thought that my mom may not be around within 2 weeks. My heart is aching, and I am feeling things I never thought I would feel.

My heart is aching for the mom I never had, the mom I wish I had, and the mom who is possibly dying. I have so many feelings swirling around that it’s hard to stay grounded – but I know I truly know that even in the hardness, I will get through this; it just feels like crap right now!

I know that I have a lot of support, that is not a question in my mind at all… but sometimes the support just doesn’t understand how hard it is.

YES they can support and love me, care for me, hug me, comfort me, hold my hand, let me lean on their shoulder… but if they haven’t been through it, they just don’t understand what it feels like inside.

Like my therapist always tells me “I know but I don’t know” – meaning, he knows about the pain I endured, but he doesn’t know how it feels”- “I can be by your side every inch of the way, but I can’t be IN it”.

I am the one that has to heal. No one else can do it for me. What I do have is what God gave me, and that is the support to help me through it. I truly believe that every person in my life is from God. God handpicked all the people in my life that I have for support today, how can I not honor that and heal from that?

In this tough week, I just need to keep going! I will keep leaning, I will keep talking, I will keep writing, I will keep healing! That is what I can do, and that is what I DO have control over!

I may not have control over what is going on with my mom, or how many times 2 O’clock comes and makes me feel horrible, or the craving of the pain medicine, but what I do have control over is to keep going!

Keep supporting my mom in doing the right thing, keep showing up in therapy and healing, face 2 O’clock and talk about it, and say NO to the pain meds! That is what I DO have control over!

So here I am tonight, I vented, I have raw feelings, and I am smiling at the same time … because this is what I do have, and this is how I heal!

“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going”