the love that surrounds me
I dont even have words to describe the awe and gratitude I have for those who surround me and those who are a part of my life today.
I have had a very tough 3 days emotionally. I didn’t know why, or even how I was going to move out of it (as I have never ever felt anything like this before in my life).
I have had hard times before, and I have felt depressed on and off like situational depression to certain situations, but it was nothing like these past 3-4 days have been – this was hard stuff.
Tonight as I sit here, I feel warm and loved. I feel relieved that my therapist and I sat with this hardness today and came to an understanding of where it came from.
I sit here tonight and I am blessed that all day today I got texts and facebook messages from those close to me asking me how I was, and giving me hugs, prayers and good wishes – ALL of which were answered for me.
For the past 72 hours – since last Friday night I started to become VERY depressed. Tears and sobs found me to a point it was almost uncontrollable, and I didn’t understand it.
Each day it progressively got worse, and today in therapy session with my therapist was the worst; even to the point of my therapist having tears because he felt so badly that I was feeling so sad and withdrawn – and then it hit us both why.
I feel better tonight because I understand where it came from, and I was surrounded by LOVE, CARE, SUPPORT, COMFORT, understanding! I am blessed and dont even have the words to express how better I feel understanding the depth of where this came from.
I started to write my book last week and sent my editor 2 chapters of the book. One was called “The Closet” the other was called “Motherless” and Friday night I sent “The Closet” and Saturday night I sent “Motherless”. They were heart wrenching to write, but never did I think it would hit me so hard inside to the point of feeling every bit of those emotions like I have never felt them before.
I have talked about the abuse in my life before, but right now it feels so different because I am at a new level of my healing. I am feeling with no walls and no covers. I am here, I am healing, and I am also FEELING every bit of it. Which is SO new for me.
Almost like needing training wheels for emotions, I dont know how to be with emotions this big.
Today in session my therapist and I sat together and he held my hand, and then gave me a hug as I cried and cried and we figured out where the depth of this was coming from – it was coming from the chapters of the book that I NEVER EVER allowed myself to feel before with no walls.
Writing those chapters hit something deep inside of me that I never wanted to truly see with my eyes as wide open as they are now. I talk about “healing” a lot, but rarely do I write about the abuse, and when I wrote those chapters, it set off something inside and my therapist told me that all those very HARD RAW emotions that were sitting way deep inside came out and it hit me.
I have spent a lifetime hiding my emotions behind walls and only letting little bits and pieces out, but these emotions came ROARING to the forefront and I felt every bit of it. I dont know what it’s like to feel TRUE pain of emotions because I spent my whole life putting pieces of them behind walls.
I have now felt them to it’s fullest.
I think I cried more in the past 3 days than I have my whole life and that is no lie – to the point it made my therapist have tears and I found myself hugging HIM – it was THAT hard.
My therapist helped me to see that sometimes when we really touch something that we have kept inside for so long that we finally allow ourselves to feel, it hurts and it hurts so badly. It’s like DETOXING emotions – snot, tears, water, pain, GUNK, EVERYTHING deep inside coming out from inside – almost like a virus that needs to find it’s way out.
I was grieving and that is what happened in the past 3 -4 days. I was grieving for the parts of my story I was writing and it hurt.
I read a quote and it reads ” When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it’s healed”
I am not ready to write the book yet – there are wounds that still need healing before I can face this book head on. It’s not healthy to re-traumatize myself writing this book, this book is supposed to be written from the empowerment – not re-traumatized pain.
I have wounds still open and healing and I need to work more with this. I spent so much time writing and talking about healing that I dont spend time talking about the pain without walls.
My therapist and I both took a deep breath in relief over the phone a little while ago after a hard hard session. I am so blessed for him, he is such a wonderful therapist and I am so glad he was by my side every bit of the way this week.
I am so blessed for my husband who truly helped me and was there for me, and all the people who I shared this with.
I am putting the book aside until I can work with the wounds that are here. My editor is more than willing to wait as long as he has to, he wants to see this book take it’s stand. INSTEAD I am turning my blog into a memori book to be sold as a part of the journey to healing and I will share that with you in time as I plan it out more.
My therapist and I have decided to work more with what is going on deep inside; to work with the emotions that are now out from behind the wall, this is important and its a crucial part of my healing – this is where the GOOD healing happens.
I will know when I am ready – one step at a time. IT WILL Happen, it will just take a little more time than I hoped for.
I am relieved tonight to know what happened and how much love and support surrounded me around this. GOD is so good to me to put wonderful people in my life when I need them most.
The healing journey continues . . . . . and so doesn’t my writing
May 30, 2013 at 9:52 PM
What I have always admired about you is proven tonight~ you’re brave, you’re a warrior, and you’re a woman of GREAT strength! Thank you for sharing your hurt and deep pain with all of us! You’re transparency helps us all heal and feel more normal. I’m sorry for the pain behind the walls. I get it though. It’s ugly and painful but necessary for the journey. I know there is healing on the otherside for all of us…you always tell me that. Thank you for being real and who you are even in your pain. You have my full support and love! I heard this great quote a few days back that I put in my journal, let me share it with you because this just fits you! “Lend me your hope for awhile. A time will come when I will heal, and I will lend my renewed hope to others.” Eloise Cole
Much love, sweet friend,
May 30, 2013 at 10:08 PM
I LOVE The quote – thank you! thank you for your nice comment lauren, and I know that you know my pain. I thought I was going to DIE in this horrible feeling, but I didn’t and I am okay and will be okay. (hugs)
May 30, 2013 at 10:00 PM
You are brave, kind, loyal, courageous, and loving, you inspire me daily and I am proud and honored to call you my friend
May 30, 2013 at 10:09 PM
Melissa!!! thank you for being one of those friends who texted me first thing this morning sending me love and wishes.. that meant a lot to me.. more than you know. It was the first thing I saw when I woke and I held onto that. THANK YOU
May 30, 2013 at 11:12 PM
Intensity is hard, reliving is harder. glad you are not alone in this process.
May 31, 2013 at 10:07 AM
What a powerful post! So much in it. It sounds wise to slow down with the book writing, but to keep working on the healing of old wounds in the safe loving context you have with your therapist.
It sounded like what you went through was a lot of really good important releasing and healing of stuff held inside. I was wondering how you know if you are being re-traumatized rather than just getting into the deep difficult grieving process? I’m interested if you have anything to share about that but I’m not needing you to respond or explain etc…It’s just where my mind went as I was reading that part.
I admire how you dove so deeply and fully into your book writing process and then when this extremely difficult passage happened you are able to step back a little to keep the focus on the continued healing. Sometimes people start something and when they encounter difficulties or signs that it would be best to change course they don’t ~ just because they HAVE TO follow through on what they started. To me it seems like you are really listening to what feels right for you and making appropriate changes.
And it seems like you are really allowing in, support and help from trusted others. I remember you writing that it’s hard for you to allow help, or that you have a strong need to be independent and not to be dependent on others. But it seems like you are very strong and clear in your self, distinct from others at the same time accepting their wisdom and support. Seems like a healthy kind of reliance. I like the word “interdependent” in place of “dependent”.
I celebrate your progress! And I benefit from your sharing.
May 31, 2013 at 11:08 AM
you know gel, you raise a very very good question… what IS the difference between being re-traumatized or grieving.. I am going to bring that up in session today.. MAN you always have me on my toes thinking 🙂
If I were to answer that question without thinking, I would say it felt re-traumatizing. I dont feel like that was grief, I feel it was almost impossible to handle, but then again I have never fully grieved, so this is a good question. I would have to say the fact that I moved out of it in “understanding” and feel better, it must have been a sense of grieving… I think that if I was re traumatized, I would be in a harder place of no understanding.. I would be disconnected.
I will ask Andy today and get back to you 🙂 … as always thank you for your comment and good thoughts