the empowerment is {me}

It is incredibly hard to find empowerment in something you feel powerless over, but today I have come to realize those things that feel powerless, only make me more empowered.

At the beginning of this week, I said that this week was going to be different. I didn’t know how, I didn’t have any answers, but it was just something I felt inside, and my therapist agreed with me, he felt it too, and today was just another reminder of that.

Today was another reminder of why I show up and the great support I do have no matter what I am faced against.

I had to make decisions on how to handle something, actually both my therapist and I both have scratched our heads around how to handle this. I found myself many times crying in session to my therapist saying “I don’t know what to do, I just don’t know what to do” – until I listened within.

We both have worked hard on the many options. We have paced, we have connected, we have thought out ideas, we have been frustrated, we have laughed in the hardness, and we have problem solved over and over.

It was one of those decisions of “which pile of shit to jump into” because each choice had a consequence – We just needed to decide which one stunk the least, and which one was easier to clean off –  but yesterday I finally figured out what to do, I chose {me}.

I chose empowerment over the powerless. I have come to realize that the empowerment in this is learning to live with the powerlessness. I cannot change other people, I cannot change what others do, and I truly have come to see what my therapist has  made me see time and time again – “you are the one empowered in this”.

Another celebration in therapy today! We both had big breaths of relief. We sat together and read the empowering email out loud that I sent him last night about my decision on how to handle this. We took turns reading the email allowing ourselves to feel the empowering words that surrounded it.

Today I added my own words to the white board that sits in my therapy room, with the words “dance” and “2 sways” already written by my therapist – I added the words “and a turn”.. a turn towards empowerment.

I sit here 2 hours after session and I feel the air moving through my lungs as I am relieved that I have support and tools to finally move through this, and to gain empowerment over it through support, love, care, connection and GOD!

My therapist will call later to check in and we will talk and reflect on the great session today; to where he will remind me of the support and connection that is here for me, and I will tell him how grateful I am that choosing the empowerment over the powerless is the answer to moving out and away from this burden that was put on me.

I have learned that sometimes facing the situation is not always the answer – yes it may have instant gratification, but in the long run, it only empowers them, and takes that away from me. I choose ME, and I choose to find empowerment over IT, and IT not have power over me.

Sometimes we look for an answer to what we are faced against, but sometimes the answer is just having strength IN it, instead of finding a way “out” of it.

I will show up tomorrow and be in that empowerment and continue to work towards me – who God intended me to be.