tearing down walls

My therapist would always say to me when I first started therapy “lets take one brick out at a time until we see something”

Today there are no walls left; not even bricks to build new ones if I tried!

In the past month or so in therapy  and working with my therapist has been so so different!

The mantra that we use all the time “we can talk to each other about anything” has not only taken ONE brick out of the wall, but it has created a demolition!

We work intensely hard together, whether its through sessions, phone calls, a small text or the reflecting emails; the walls are now just a crumbled mess with all the brick kicking we have been doing – It is both scary and good at the same time.

Walls are created by our own intuitions and feelings. Walls are built from fear and unsureness! Walls are build from internal protection from what we believe – I have built walls since I was 5 years old, and they were pretty thick and pretty high!

These past years have been about taking one brick out at a time, but the past month has been demolition after demolition!

It’s exciting and I feel so incredibly comfortable in therapy and working with my therapist more than I ever have. I am more open, and I start talking the moment I walk in, and there is no more “weight of the wall”.

I come home from session and know no matter what “I can talk about anything” “we can talk about anything” “connection surrounds me” .. and today was another one of those days that if there was anything left to the wall, it’s gone now! it’s GONE!

And it has it’s scary side to it as well – The walls that one protected me from the beliefs are now having to be shielded by trust and knowing. I guess you would have to call it a wall of trust, but it’s not a wall, it’s just trust!

My therapist has really worked with me through some tough things in the past month that I was going through, and I have equally put in the trust without walls, and I have learned that if I allow myself to fall back just a little; someone is there.

Today when I tore down what I feel was the final wall getting in my way of the next level in healing, I had big tears! It’s very emotional when you take down something that has held you up for so long, and it was the wall of unworthiness.. today I felt worthy, and I cried in that. I heard and felt words of worthiness, and I felt I truly believed it and not just heard it – like I have a purpose for this healing and it’s not just about working hard through it, but about accepting!

There are so many roads and paths to healing, but when you take down walls that followed you along in those paths, it’s vulnerable, scary but yet exciting and has me full of tears! it’s like feeling air for the first time after being in a cave.

So to the dancing path with no walls, open and vulnerable, exciting – tearful, joyous and scary.. it’s all of those things and it’s OK, I am OK with no walls!