taking the risk – breaking the past

This photo reminds me of how writing a blog can feel; you feel open, but still want to back into a dark corner for safety.

I have gone through many trials through my blog this year! I have put my voice out there to speak, and I have told some pretty big  truths!

I have been open and real, I have been honest and sometimes been tearful and unsure of the truth being revealed, but the one thing that holds the most truth is that “I have been me”.

When writing about your healing you are opening up for a world to see, and there are some consequences to that; hard ones, unfair ones, and sometimes very hurtful ones.

Some unfortunate events happened to me at the beginning of the year and unfortunately picked back up and had me in a panic of repeat possible triggers.

I was torn between taking my blog down, keeping it up, making it private, making it password protected, and all the while this was going on, I was obsessively checking the IP stats, the counter, and what was going on in the background – sounds a lot like my past to me.

It reminded me so much of my past as a child – always on watch waiting for the next time to be abused, waiting for the next thing to happen, so I stayed in the closet, went into hiding, and kept watch over everything going on around me.

The past 6 months have been just like that through my blog. I had moments where I was okay and strong and accepted what was there, but then the darkness of my past took over in that panic and I folded!

I have worked so hard through this with my therapist, and today in session, I heard my therapist say something that just clicked, and when I got home, I had the courage and strength to re-upload my blog to the way it was. I was excited, my blog was coming alive again with colors, joy, and happiness! I even left a voicemail for my therapist after session saying “I am bringing the blog to life again”.

Today in session was one of those moments where my therapist and I were standing there, I was in tears talking it out on how much this has been in my way for months now, and he said something that just clicked! It made me cry more, and I was comforted and supported in his words and I heard –

” YOU, ARE A POWERFUL PERSON! YOU, HAVE A POWERFUL VOICE, and there are good consequences to that, and bad consequences to that” and I have the power to hold both.

It was then that it clicked – I never had a powerful voice before, and having that taken away now is like taking away the voice to that little child again. I would never go back and take away her voice, it has taken me 35+ years to find it.

I will no longer go to a program to see who is reading, I will no longer sit and ponder over it and be that child in the closet waiting for the culprit to arrive – I will write how I feel, I will speak how I feel, I will share how I feel, because I never had a voice to speak before and this is today; not the past to where I have to be partly in the dark, and partly in the light.. I can gain strength from both.

I have the power to take that past and talk about it, and not let it become me. I can talk about the hurt inside of how “watching and waiting” was so much a part of the life I lived, and how that made me feel inside. I have the power to talk about why the past 6 months have hurt me, and how close it felt to my past – I am tearful even typing about it right now.

This has been hard, and this has hurt, and it has been confusing, and yet this has been a learning experience for m – but the one thing I have come to really understand and learn is that- the trigger that has come to my blog? its not about me, and it’s not mine to hold.

A mantra that my therapist and I always use together is “we can talk about anything”. “we are a good team” – and I am holding onto that today, because those 2 things are what is needed to move through this.

My blog is up, my blog is here to stay, I am no longer tracking any stats, IPS or visitors (its been deleted and buried by my husband)

I will admit, It’s going to be hard not having that blanket of security – but I know I have support and care around that, and I can talk about it anytime I need to.

I have a voice to speak and truth to be told, and if people don’t like what they read, don’t read my blog! If my truth hurts, walk away from it.. this is my story, and my healing, and no one is going to silence me ever again.

the quote reads:

“Pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances
Rather for our circumstances to changed our strength”

SALTARE