I have spent a lifetime hiding behind “true emotions” and putting up walls of okay-ness. I have spent more time in my life putting on a fake front and swallowing the true emotions of how I really feel just to protect others around me. I ask myself – What am I protecting them from? that is a good question, I don’t know, I only know that however I am feeling needs to be put away because I need to be strong and how I really feel doesn’t matter. or so I thought … This past weekend I have come to…
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What is self-care? that was a question I didn’t have an answer to just a couple of years ago. I never knew how to provide myself with self-care without the feeling of guilt attached to it. I have learned much about self-care in therapy, and my therapist is really good about guiding me towards my own self care, and I have learned (at a snail’s pace) how to accept that. I have gotten better about taking time for myself in the middle of the week, and maybe taking a day of the weekend to just take care of me, but…
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This weekend so far has been a toss between good and hard, sad and happy, empowered and maybe feeling a little weak, but I try to remind myself “I am not there yet, but I am so close“. Being stuck in place and waiting for “the switch” to happen inside is not always the easiest thing. I know what I want to feel, I know what I want to do, I know where I am going – but it’s not here yet. It can be so frustrating at times. In all the years I have been working on my healing…
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It took me a long long time to really feel comfortable in the therapy room when I started therapy 6 years ago. I remember my first steps into the therapy room and how scared I was. I sat in the leather chair with one foot out the door, and now years later, it’s a room filled with my story, and my healing; a place where I am accepted, supported, loved and heard fully. I am in that space 4 days a week with Tuesday being 2 hours, you would have to say it’s like another little home for me; home to my…
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Ironically, when I left session today and was driving home, I got a phone call that came in, and oddly enough I answered it not knowing who it was. Low and behold (God Willing) it was one of my old personal trainers Brian. We talked on the phone for a little bit, and I was truthful with him, just as I was in the my blog writing “Truth be Told” .. I told him I have been out of the body building and weight training for a year or so, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to come…
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I had big anger in session yesterday! I didn’t plan it, I didn’t really see it coming, but then again anger has been at the surface for a while now; it was just a matter of time before it found it’s way out to be heard, seen and felt. When I think of anger I think about holding onto a rope with a beast of some kind at the other end pulling and dragging me and not being able to get control of the rope. Anger is something I struggle with. I avoid it, swallow it, and find every way…
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I struggle with the inner voice to my past everyday; the inner voice being the past beliefs of all that I was told, all that I believed, and all that I was abused into. Everyone has that little voice of reason inside of them, you know, It’s that gut feeling, or voice inside that allows us to weigh out hard decisions or choices. That inner voice that warns us that something doesn’t feel quite right, a second guess, a doubt, or a fear. Well imagine living with that every day – welcome to my life. For me, the inner voice…
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When I walked into therapy almost 6 years ago, never did I think it would be years and years of work and that I would be in this place 6 years later. I thought I would walk into this mystery place of healing, talk about my story, find out what was wrong with me, find a way to heal and away I go into the world where I came from – with just a little less walls and pain. Here I am, 6 years later and I am discovering more and more about how deep my wounds were or still are. I…
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It’s not easy to let go of something; especially when I feel so strongly about my convictions! It took me years of therapy and a lot of work to learn how to stand to something that is right and true when I have been wronged or hurt. I never knew how to stand up for my rights, or to anyone in my life before. I never knew how to allow myself anger when I felt anger. I never knew how to allow myself emotions when something has hurt me- and I did! Learning how to own all of these things…