strength of envy

To some it won’t come to a surprise that I am a huge huge gymnastics fan, so you can imagine I am in my glory right now as we celebrate the Olympics to where strength is the key to every success!

I was in gymnastics as a teen, and this sport that takes so much strength has been something of awe-inspiring to me – even as an adult today I am awe-inspired and fill up with adrenaline just watching it.

Something about the strength, determination, dedication, faith and hard work that really just brings out the beauty in the end; that execution in the dismount that slams the result of that hard work of sweat, blood and tears.

I look back at the past 5+ years in healing and I always wonder if I am strong enough, or doing enough hard work to move through the harder moments that come up.

I show up, I work hard, I open wounds that are painful, I reflect, I connect, and I am constantly working around the clock in my healing on this journey.

I sometimes wonder “where is my execution?” Is there beauty in the result? I may not do a back handspring double pike off of a 4 inch apparatus, but I sure sometimes leave therapy feeling like I just did – and sometimes my dismount is a stick, and sometimes I fall.

My therapist is a great coach; someone who has truly been on my side since the very first day I showed up. He helps to ground me in the hard moments, keeps me in connection in the unsureness, and gives me hope, care, and support when I get up after a hard fall! It’s hard work, but I do see the goodness in the work even when the fall hurts.

I have a lot of connection and support that makes the fall a little softer to land on, and sometimes I fall back on that, and sometimes I have a harder time accepting – I always want to be strong and feel as if I can do it – but I realize I sometimes need to fall back on that support.

The past couple of weeks have been of those moments of hard work, tears, and complete rawness of emotions. I have fallen, but I have also gotten back up many times in these past weeks; fighting for what Is right here at the surface right now.

I sometimes think to myself “can I be stronger?” “can I do it better?” “maybe I am not strong enough”.. but I am reminded of where I was, where I am, and where I am heading on this path, and then it all comes back to me.

Yes I am strong, I have been strong since I was the 5 year old child fighting for her life, and I will continue to work through the many challenges this healing brings me; even when I fall – knowing someone will be there with a hand to help me up.

So while I watch the Olympics at all these amazing people who are filled with strength and determination for what it is they are fighting for, I have to remember that even “THEY” fall, and they also get back up.