scattered memories – the healing process
I have read so many blogs and stories of others who have really struggled with the process of therapy, and how some people feel like therapy has made them feel “worse” than better!
I was one of those who struggled with that same thought years ago – until I realized why I was feeling the way I felt, and saw the process of healing actually working.
For the first couple of years in therapy for me it was like being thrown into a warp zone of vulnerability. I would leave therapy after a hard session, and I would struggled to do my every day tasks, and it was so hard to focus on anything else.
I struggled with being grounded or connected to anyone around me. I felt like I was in a constant fog, and would zone out during conversations with others not being able to concentrate because I felt so lost and raw feeling.
I too was one of those people who thought “is this making me worse? “how is this healing?” “Maybe I should quit, because this doesn’t feel very good and I don’t think I can continue this hard path“.
BUT something deep inside told me to hold onto this, keep on going, keep on moving through this process. Keep trusting the process and trusting my therapist and the good work we were doing.
One of the things my therapist has helped me to see over the years is how memories work and why they are so hidden so deep within us; especially if the trauma happened at a young age.
For those traumatized at a young age, including myself, our brain scatters those memories over time, and those memories are scattered until we are able and ready to face those memories and face those moments that our brain hid deep deep within. It’s a protection within us . . . but not something that is healthy to keep hidden away.
Therapy is a process of pulling those scattered memories one by one and putting them together like a puzzle, and the more we sit with the puzzle, the pieces get easier to fit.
I have been in therapy almost 9 years now. I began my journey April 2007 .. I started this journey scared, vulnerable, raw, and had so many walls up that you needed to climb walls just to see the walls. But I knew what my past held, and I knew something needed to be discovered and talked about, because how I felt inside, wasn’t how I wanted to live and be.
I hear of a lot of people who struggle to find the right therapist, and I will say, having the right therapist is so CRUCIAL, because this is your healing journey, this is your life, your voice, your truth, and its so important to feel safe and connected with someone who can walk this journey with you.
I was lucky, God really placed me on a path with an amazing therapist right from day 1. I knew within the first month that my therapist Andy was someone I could walk this journey with – he is warm, gentle, caring, open to hear and open to wisdom that I really needed to hear. I trust him more than I trust anyone else, and that is a big big deal for me, given what I have endured in my past.
Therapy and healing is a process . . . it’s not about covering up the wounds expecting it to scar over and feel better right away … it’s about digging into that wound and cleaning it out before you can cover it and heal from it. Therapy is not a band-aid .. it’s a process of true healing to what is going on inside of you – – those scattered memories from the past that need to be brought together and be told a story of truth.
It’s a painful yet rewarding process as you take those steps. Even today, after almost 9 years in this journey I still sit with hard things that take me out of my self – but because of the process I have taken, it has made those hard moments bearable. I no longer walk around in that fog of hopelessness, instead I process each session and talk through it and live my life the best I can on the outside.
When I read these blogs of those who want to quit or give up on their process of healing, it makes me sad, because I know what that feels like, and I know what is to come if you stay with it and trust the process – yes a painful process – but one that you will see changes you .. but you have to really want to make that change within! No one can do it for you – your therapist cannot do it for you – it’s a team effort and its about your wisdom and your process that takes you there.
There are things that I am still working through – some really hard things that surfaced out of a situation I was put in years ago … some of my close friends and family know about the hard times I have gone through the past couple of years – but I am trusting the same process and continue to work hard just as I have thus far.
I also have come to learn that not all wounds are ready to be healed .. and some heal faster than others. Some need to be covered up again until your ready to uncover and peel back the layers of skin, and although painful and raw, you will know when you are ready for that healing.
Some wounds take a long time to heal, and some remain raw and all you can do is learn how to adjust to that pain.. but you will and your life will feel livable with more hope and even happiness will shine through those wounds.
SO for those who are in the process of healing . . . stick through it, work through it, give the process of healing time .. you are worth it, your wounds are worth healing, your voice is worth hearing and your truth is worth believing – a process I am still learning to trust – one step at a time.
February 22, 2016 at 3:28 PM
Karen, I am so inspired by your faith, your bravery and your eloquence. I encourage all truth seeking, by we hurting folks. Truth recognizes our goodness, and even if it takes years of two steps forward, one step back, it’s glorious to appreciate and own our goodness. Yours shines brightly and I’m so honored to have connected with you.
I, too, have scattered, disorganized memories. My trauma short-circuited my ability to comprehend ‘what’ was happening. My body felt it – pre-verbally – and holds both the horror and the hope. You know what I mean?
February 22, 2016 at 11:19 PM
I’ve felt this way in the past as well. There were many times when I questioned if continuing therapy was the right thing to do. It was just so painful at times. I’m glad I stuck with it though. I’m a better person because of it. Thanks for sharing this. Very encouraging.
February 24, 2016 at 1:31 AM
HI … I am so glad you stuck it through. it is worth it !!! so glad you are taking this journey for you ❤️????????
February 23, 2016 at 6:43 AM
really appreciate the encouragement, thank you.
February 24, 2016 at 1:29 AM
thank you Denise … that means a lot to me❤️❤️
February 23, 2016 at 1:31 PM
I love that you share your story and journey so honestly and fully. Finding the therapy and therapist that creates healing can be hard but I know it is worth the fight. I hope others hear your story and are encouraged.
February 24, 2016 at 1:28 AM
thank you Traci… and thank you for your friendship and connection ❤️
Christia Colquitt (@tia5500)
February 25, 2016 at 10:32 PM
Yes finding the right therapist is key. It has really helped me as I heal!!
February 25, 2016 at 10:37 PM
So glad I finally sat down to read your posts! You do share yourself so beautifully, and so openly. I can’t say “I know how you feel” as far as what you have been through in your past. The only thing I can think of in my life’s past was the attack I shared with you. I had to learn to trust people, especially those who “looked like the attacker”; and I had to learn to “be by myself” again. I think I’ve always been an independent person; but had to depend on others for a while until I felt safe and secure to venture out alone again.
Thank you for sharing and for having the words in your heart to help others dealing with similar situations!!