resting in weakness . . .
Today, in session, I read to my therapist the blog page I wrote last night – “My Story . My Journey”.
He was one of the many people who liked the idea of me writing a small story about who I am for my blog audience to read. To read about the person behind the healing.
I read it to him, and I didn’t expect to be choked up and tearful as I was reading this. It wasn’t about a particular experience, or a certain part of the abuse, but it was about “my story”. I was taken back reading it from the outside, not the inside.
Reading it outloud in the room was emotional, and I had a hard time getting through some of it. I was actually surprised – because I always try to be strong when I know it’s a part of the work. But lately the tears have been harder to hold back.
I was also very tearful when I got to the part about being thankful for him, and his reaction was the same. It was about 2 people in the hard work that we do – to affirm my story, and his role in helping me find my path towards me.
I will be straight out and honest – I am the type of person that has to give gratitude to where it belongs. It brings me joy to tell someone how much I appreciate them. It brings me JOY to help the church out because they did so much for me. it brings me JOY to tell my dear Friend Tracy how much I love her support, it brings me JOY to tell my family how much I appreciate them.
I am all about gratitude, and I have always said “gratitude for me is healing“.
Given the life that I have had, I didn’t have many things to be grateful for, and today I choose not to be silenced in my gratitude.
Being with that today, it gave me another foothold. It helped me to be open about how HARD it was this week opening that wound up about my dad Tuesday in the timeline, and then closing it back up.
I am a fighter! I had to be a fighter! I HAD NO CHOICE! I am always working hard in this healing process. When I stepped towards it 5 years ago, I was not going to fool around and sit in it! I was going to stand and HEAL and find a way to get through it.
I am constantly finding ways to make that one step even better towards me. I am always writing, connecting, having ideas on how to move from one thing to another.
I work also outside therapy, by writing emails and reflecting my work. I am always trying to be strong – to move through the process – not giving myself enough room to be weak in the moments where weakness is needed.
Today I admitted that I am “not feeling strong”. I admitted that sometimes I am tired of being strong. I am afraid to not be strong and break down, because I am afraid it will set me back – so I keep going and going – I am afraid to stop sometimes.
In this moment of gratitude today, I was reminded “You don’t always have to be strong“. I was also told that I should write about the parts that are hard in my blog, or that I should write about the part where I was up all night last night and craved a pain pill because talking about my father when opening that wound Tuesday hurt me”.
He reminded me “it’s OK to tell me your hurting, and that you don’t feel so strong today“. and said “it’s OK to crave something that made you feel good once, because you need a break from being strong”.
Right there, in those VERY words being spoken, is the reasons I am blessed and thankful for Andy’s wisdom and support.
I realized today that I don’t have to be strong all the time. I don’t have to be doing it right all the time. I can be weak, and strong at the same time – “both, and“.
So this weekend, I rest in weakness. I rest knowing that it’s OK that I am hurting and I am feeling a little down. Opening that wound about my father in the timeline Tuesday was painful, and I realize that just because it’s painful and hurts, doesn’t mean I didn’t close the wound. It means I am allowing myself to feel weak, and hurt, and I need extra support.
So with that being said, I am having a little bit of a tough time this week. My sleep has been horrible because I keep waking up crying in my sleep from that memory – and it’s OK. I will have tough days, and I will have good strong days, but right now, I am resting in weakness knowing that it’s OK and I am supported and loved by everyone around me.