patiently waiting . . .
One of the things that I have learned most in this journey of healing is that, “patience” is almost always the key to getting through the tougher moments.
This past week or so, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I have had moments of strength and weakness, strength in the weakeness, weakness in the strength, and sitting while still moving.
It certainly has been some of the toughest and challenging moments that I have had in a long time; with this past weekend being one of the toughest.
Last night I went through one of the hardest 2 O’clock’s that I have had in months! It was so hard that I felt so disconnected and beside myself. Even my husband saw how hard it was for me last night; he knew it was a bad one.
It’s been so long that 2 O’Clock has been that hard; that I almost forgot how to get through it. I kept saying to myself – “patience, it will pass”.
This morning on my way to church, tears found me again when I had thoughts of my mom and what I am going through right now in my healing, and I kept thinking to myself “patience, it will pass”.
While I was sitting in Mass at church, tears found me again during the mass, almost to the point of wanting to run out of the church because I felt it getting worse and worse trying to hide the tears from those sitting next to me, but I said in a silent prayer – “patience, it will pass”.
I allowed my tears to be seen in front of God and not run during the time we kneel after receiving the Eucharist. I don’t even have to say any words, God knows what I am feeling inside; he hears my silent prayers, and I hear “patience, it will pass”.
When I got home from church, I got into the most comfortable pair of jeans, a long button up white flowey type shirt, pulled my hair up into a bun, washed my face, bare feet, allowing myself to be as comfortable as I can, and I started to clean and organize.
While cleaning, I started to organize my thoughts inside as well. I allowed myself to think deeply about what has been going on the past 2 weeks, and what made 2 O’Clock so hard last night.
I also thought about what it is I wanted to write in my blog tonight, what would be helpful for me to lift me up in this hard weekend I was having, what could I open up, and heal with truth?
In between cleaning and organizing, I would lie on the bed and do some things on the laptop that I had to do. I then would get up and start organizing again, and pitter patter around the house.
In the moment that I least expected it, goodness found me, and it all started coming at once; one thing after another.
I was taking a break and I saw a Facebook message pop up from someone with such nice words of gratitude that really made my heart fill up with happiness. I found out that I helped someone through my blog that I didn’t even realize I helped! I had tears of joy, instead of tears of sadness!
I then got a text from my therapist reminding me of connection, asking me how I was doing, and reminding me of where I am in this part of the journey, and that no matter what, I will find my way through the hard and accept the good that comes from it – just what I needed to hear, a great connection!
After reading that text and replying, I started to organize the house again thinking about the goodness that connection brought me.
I then got a phone call from my sister, she also was connecting to ask how I was doing, “So how are you doing?”. We had a nice talk about mom, and then she wanted to remind me that she loved me, I love hearing my sisters voice when I need it.
Right after getting off the phone with my sister, I get a text from my husband as he was out and about today taking care of some errands while I was at home. He texted me of some good news that I was hoping for; something that really helps me in something that I need to do – what a blessing that was!!
A little time after that, Nathan came into my room, and gave me a hug and said “I love you mom” which made me smile ear to ear, he actually asked me – “how is your day mom?”
I had this feeling come over me of goodness. Sitting on my bed with the laptop on my lap, hearing the dryer finish the clothes sounded comforting. The ceiling fan providing me some cool air and it felt like I could breathe!
Everything around me started to feel lighter; my chest finally was lifted of whatever it was I was holding for the past couple of days.
I took a pause, and I smiled! God heard me today. It may not have been when I asked for this goodness a week ago, it may not been in the tears I had on my way to church this morning. It wasn’t last night through the VERY hard 2 O’Clock that I suffered through – it was when I least expected it in the “patiently waiting”.
There have been times in the past when I have prayed out of desperateness when going through these tougher moments. I would beg and plea; sometimes even making bargains with God. However, I know deep inside that a lot of the times, just patiently waiting and going through the hard; goodness finds me when I least expect it.
Tonight, as I sit here, I finally feel my patience has gained me a little bit of goodness.
The goodness found me, one after the other. I kept smiling thinking “this is it, this is what I patiently waited for, just a little breathing room, just a little feeling of goodness and connection is what I was looking for”.
it doesn’t have to be huge movement. It doesn’t have to be alot. Sometimes, just a little bit of goodness, can fill you up with hope, and today this little bit of goodness gave me the hope I was looking for.
No matter what I face this week, I think I am ready! I smile in these moments of goodness that show up when you least expect it, because I know that is when God lets me rest.
March 18, 2012 at 8:19 PM
Karen, what a BLESSING! I love those moments that come when you least expect it, and who else deserves it more than you do! I am so glad that you found some breathing room! FINALLY..
take that breathing room and RUN with it. ENJOY it, even if it’s for a little while. Remember, even if the hard comes back, dont be hard on yourself, you allowed yourself some peace, and you found that hope. It’s there.
March 18, 2012 at 8:54 PM
Thank you Hanna… thank you .. I do feel lighter tonight, and I know that feelings like this dont last forever, and I know I will face hard time in this healing and with my mom.. and I also know to embrace these moments as they are here.
I really did not think I was going to make it last night.. it was BAD.. VERY bad.. but I moved through it, and I am blessed.. I am blessed that hope found me today and gave me some peace
March 18, 2012 at 10:05 PM
Karen, 2:00 was that hard last night? .. what happened and what brought it on? I read about 2:00, and it sounds alot like dyphoria as well. I am so sorry, and I am saying a prayer for you that it stays away.
March 18, 2012 at 10:16 PM
All I know is, I started to have this ANGER inside.. and then it got worse and worse, and then this feeling of DOOM came over me, and I was in the saddest feeling I have ever had!! I could NOT Shake it. Tim tried to talk to me.. I just coudln’t get through it! it was VERY hard! I felt horrible most of the night.. I had a hard time sleeping last night, then going to church I was tearful.. I am so glad that I found relief tonight! SO GLAD! I dont wish 2 Oclock on ANYONE! not even those who hurt me.. it sucks.. it really does!
in therapy we try and catch 2 Oclock so we can figure it out more.. I just have dealt with it since I was 5 years old.. EVERY DAY . EVERY SINGLE day! some days are worse than others… this was the worst in months!
March 19, 2012 at 7:50 AM
Good for you for staying through Mass and knowing God was with you! Best thing to do for sure! So good for you for doing it in spite of the pain and the frustration. You have come so far! And you will do this! 🙂
March 19, 2012 at 11:18 AM
Thanks Stacy 🙂 .. I really appriciate your kind words … it was good talking to you and your husband..