looking back and looking forward

For the past week I have struggled with what I wanted my last post of 2012 to voice.

what should I write about? Do I write about this past year and what it has brought me, or do I focus on looking forward with the lessons I learned? Maybe it’s both.

When I look back on this year I have to be honest when I say it was a hard hard year with many lessons learned, and many sacrifices made.

But then there are parts of this year that made me stronger, and created more connection to those around me, and myself. Parts of me feel I am not the same person I was last year.

It made me tougher, it made me stronger, it made me see things from my own childhood that I never wanted to see before. I learned some things about myself that I never knew – and some of those things were painful to see looking into my past.

This year my writing and my blog took many turns both good and bad. My openness and vulnerability in my writing were used and abused and it sent me into a spiral of old feelings that derailed my healing and made it come to a complete stop – for a while anyways.

The risk of putting myself out there for all to see and read came with it’s risks and consequences; consequences that I suffered just for being who I was and what I had.

At first I felt punished for being who I was, and having what I had, but then I was made to realize – it’s not about me, it never was, and it never will be. This was about someone else, and it took me a long time to see that with some help of my support.

I used what happened this year as a lesson, and a lesson I am still applying towards my path of healing. I have learned that sometimes you just can’t control what others do, but you can change the way you move through it.

Instead of letting this situation bring me down, I decided to use it to rise above. It doesn’t define who I am, it defines who this other person is, and that is not mine to hold.

What I do hold is who I am, and what I do have, and the road and path ahead of me.

When things got too tough to take this year I turned back to pain pills, but I nipped that in the bud pretty quick when I realized it wasn’t worth it; I am far too valuable to let someone else bring me down to their insecurities – so I turned to support instead of turning to pills to numb the fear and pain.

I turned to support and learned how to accept; something that I struggled with but knew I needed to choose me.

I learned to reach out more. I learned to lean in and to stay connected even when I struggled to find worth in the connection, but once I started to realize what was right in front of me, it got easier to accept, even when the “situation continued and still continues”.

My writing at times felt filtered and cryptic because I feared to write the way I wanted to write, until my therapist made me see and said to me many times “write whatever it is you want to write, you are not responsible for how someone else see’s it”.

.. and so I began writing from the heart again, and here I am.

One of the hardest things to hear over and over this year was “you can’t change the actions of others, your the one that has to be the one to change when someone else won’t” (meaning, how to find empowerment). It was hard to hear when I was told time and time again “this is not your fault, it’s not about you” – but eventually I got it – and freedom through that understanding was finally revealed, the light went on.

.. I felt at peace and I began writing from the heart again, and here I am.

My blog also took some great turns this year. The people who support me are absolutely amazing! I have come to know some beautiful people who suffer in the same hurts and pains that I do. I have met some wonderful people who have changed my life.

I have met a certain someone who told me that my blog saved her life, and when I think about that, all the pain and suffering my blog took this year from one person; made it all worth to help this other (I have tears writing this).

If I can make a difference in someone’s life, it’s worth the struggle in having a voice.

Through all of this, I am so grateful for my Therapist who has truly walked my side and leaned in, and reminded me to keep leaning in. It hasn’t always been easy, but years and years of work together and a great relationship has proven time and time again that we can move through anything, and I am truly blessed for having him standing by my side.

In the new year I will continue to write in my blog and connect with others. Writing has been the core of my life since I was 5 years old; it was the only form of safe communication for me. Today it’s my empowerment to heal, and to connect with others.

Yes I am still working through some tough things, but the hope and grace around me are endless if I just allow it to be there.

So although this has been a hard year, its been a year with many lessons learned, and many applied. I will continue to use this strength as my voice, and as my empowerment to find the ONE thing I always sought out to do, and that is to heal and be whole.

I am loved, cared for and supported and this year I have truly learned to accept that – I am smiling just writing out those words – it warms my heart.

I am very much looking forward to what the new year will bring me.

The big news is:

I have hired a publisher and editor for my book that is in now in the works! YES it will finally be released at the end of 2013! This is something that I started working on years ago; but finally built up the courage to go forward in a big way with my story.

I have had some incredible mentors show me the way this year to make this possible; to find courage to bring my healing to another level and direction I was too scared to take before. My focus in the new year will also be towards the book. I see this process being both hard and rewarding.

This year I will continue to work with my therapist healing the wounds that still bind me and to continue finding my place in this big ole world.

I will also continue to write and connect with others through my journey and yours.

I look forward to spending the new year with you all, and taking you all along with me on this hard but beautiful journey.

Happy New Year!