letting love all the way in

I haven’t been feeling very well in the past week and it’s been hard not knowing why.

I have been lethargic, tired, and weak. My heart has been racing a lot more than normal, palpitations running wild through my body, and I just haven’t felt like myself.

It takes a lot for me to go to my heart DR or to go to the hospital. I have childhood fears that surround me when it comes to hospitals and people taking care of me or the lack there-of .. I don’t know how to do it and not be afraid.

Today I finally gave in, I found the love inside of me to care more about myself than I did about the fears of going to get checked out.

I rescheduled my therapy session for a later time today and I went to the hospital.

They took me right in because of course I am a “heart” patient. They hooked me up to all these machines right away just to get my vitals. They then took me to a room to where all these people were standing there waiting to take care of me.

One woman was taking a chest X-Ray, the other nurse was taking blood and putting an IV in my arm, the other woman was doing the EKG, and the DR then came in and sat on my bed and just asked me “so tell me whats going on”… and instead of reverting to my old way of  “I am not staying here at the hospital very long“, and minimizing my symptoms just to escape the fear of being cared for.. I told the DR exactly what was going on, how I was feeling and what felt “wrong” inside of me.

An hour after all the tests were done the nurse came in with a cup with pills in it, and a cup of water and she said “guess what? your potassium is low, that is why you haven’t felt good”.

I took the 4 big horse pills and an hour later my face pinked up, I felt more energy and I started to feel more like me – even cracking jokes with my husband who was siting in the chair next to me.

Love surrounded me in that hospital today – from the Dr’s coming in and checking on me, to the nurses gently asking me for what it was I needed. From my husband showing up and meeting me there, to my therapist sending me a text a couple of times checking in on me.

I am surrounded my love and today I feel I let that ALL THE WAY IN and didn’t hide behind “I will be fine” and suffer in silence instead.

I loved myself today enough to get checked out, made it better and truly allowed myself to be taken care of.

It’s a good thing I got it checked out because back in 2004 when I was rushed into the hospital in AFIB because of very low potassium, that was a dangerous situation.. this time I caught it early because I paid attention to what it was I needed, paid attention to the love and care around me, and accepted the help.

I went to my therapy session after they discharged me and we sat and talked about how it felt to be where I was today. I was surrounded by love, care and support by my therapist and I let the love in.

My husband is cooking a really big dinner right now on his time off from traveling.. my kids loved and hugged me today when they found out I was in the hospital for a couple of hours, and my friends have checked in on me.

I am going to be okay because I let love all the way in today – even for myself, and it’s amazing to think that sometimes that is the best medicine.