I am not broken
It has taken me 5 years, 8 months, and a handful of days to actually say the words “I am not broken”.
Yesterday in session when having tears about my past in talking about things that hurt I said the words “I am broken and damaged and I am trying to heal”, and my therapist said to me
“no you are not broken, there is nothing broken about you, you are smart, beautiful, caring, creative, a great photographer, artistic, a great mom, and most of all a child of god, you are not broken, you are worthy of love and care and it’s an honor to walk by your side on this journey”.
He made me repeat and re-frame my words “I am not broken”. The people who abused me are the broken ones, the ones who took me for granted are the broken ones, what happened to me was broken, but I am not broken – I am healing, but not broken.
I woke up this morning and just said it to myself “I am not broken, what happened to me was broken, not me”, “I am not damaged, I am healing”.
It’s hard to believe all the good things when you have been treated differently. In my tears yesterday in session talking about my past I kept saying “how could so many people do me wrong and there be nothing wrong with ME?”. How can anyone who was abused not feel as if there must be something wrong with me if they can do such harsh things to me?”
I am learning (at a very slow pace) that I am not the one broken or damaged – what happened to me was not my fault, the brokeness is within the abusers, not me – I am the strong one who survived it and the strong one who walked into therapy 5 1/2 years ago to talk about it, the strong one who has a blog who writes about the healing process, the strong one who can stand up to those who did me wrong – they are the broken ones.
I have read so many stories about people surviving abuse, and a feeling that we all share is a feeling as if we are the broken ones, we are the damaged and ugly bad ones! it breaks my heart to read people feel so badly about themselves yet I share the same pain! I share the same feelings internally.
It’s so easy for me to reach out to others and say “no no no this was not your fault, you are a beautiful person so deserving of love and care” .. but yet I share what they feel.
I understand, I know how it feels! It’s so easy for me to reach out and hug another in pain, but yet I don’t feel deserving of the same. It’s a tough tough thing to learn and believe, but that is what healing is about – learning and believing.
So I got up this morning and I made myself say “I am not broken” – “I am worthy of love and care”.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard to believe when you have been hurt so badly, but the more and more I try and trust it, the easier it will be to believe. The more and more I reach out to others about my story and hear others, it will gives me strength to believe in myself.
So today my job is to show up, I’ll go to session later on and keep breathing and believe that “I am not broken, I am healing” .. even if I don’t believe it fully, saying it is the first step towards healing and believing.
I know so many people who will understand this blog writing today, and although I cannot change your mind of how you feel about yourself, maybe we can try together – “I am not broken, I am healing and I am worthy of love and care from those around me”.
October 3, 2012 at 3:47 PM
Wow, “I am not broken.” Just to say that sentence makes me tear up and also gives me a sense of strength. Like you, I’ve felt and considered myself “broken, unfixeable, damaged,” for many years now. But maybe your right, “WE are not broken, we are healing our brokeness that was brought upon us by VERY broken people that didn’t ever heal from their brokenness.” We are healing and we are getting VICTORY from the pain that was meant to kill our spirits and hold us back! I get it when you share that you question, what is wrong with ME? Friend, NOT ONE THING!!
Thank you for allowing me into a private, sacred part of your healing! I join you in trying to grasp this new found truth, “I am not broken, I am healing!” It’s going on my mirror today!
Hugs dear friend,
October 3, 2012 at 8:43 PM
awwww … well that is a great affimation to put on your mirror, and believe it, even if you have to fake it at first! you are so welcome, it’s people like you I love to write for.. to heal together 🙂 HUGS MY FRIEND.. love you
October 3, 2012 at 6:15 PM
OH KAREN, I love this blog entry and I am so glad that your blog is back up! I missed your writing.
I printed this one up I hope you dont mind, I really need to believe this too!
October 3, 2012 at 9:07 PM
Joyce, thank you and YES PLEASE DO, print it up, put it on your mirror, in your car, in your bed, on your ceiling.. NOT BROKEN!
October 3, 2012 at 7:40 PM
Dear Karen – OKAY this blog writing has been pushed up to #1 on my favoites list.
True healing comes from believing, and believing you are not broken is a huge step in healing.
good for you, and I am proud of you.
Glad you are writing again, glad that you found peace in the blog issue going on.
October 3, 2012 at 9:08 PM
Hanna, I missed you!
Yes I am glad to have my blog back up. I read this blog entry in session today and Andy LOVED IT! he wanted to get up and dance, it was a huge writing for me today.
It’s not easy to believe that I am worth and not broken, but I am learning and will continue to work with it ….
Thank you Hanna