finding my worthiness

I have had a very hard 48 hours! 48 hours of on and off emotions, and feeling alone, scared and unsure.

I have been challenged on every level emotionally and physically, and when I am faced with that challenge, my worth is really a struggle and that is not only frustrating for me, but for my support and those who love and care for me.

Its hard for those around me to see me struggle with my worthiness because they want me to see what they see. They want me to accept what they are offering, they think its easy to be there for me, when all I see is how much of a burden I am.

I am trying so hard to see what part of my past plays into this struggle of worthiness when I am emotionally having a hard time.

I know to some degree that people who don’t have a past like mine struggle with worthiness. I am sure struggling with worthiness when going through a hard time is somewhat a normal thing, but for me its extreme! For me its almost a self-hate that I go through; a pushing away trying to keep those who are trying to support me at arms length and not an inch closer.

Last night as I sat here thinking about it, I realized something. Maybe the struggle is not about feeling unworthy when I am going through a hard time, but maybe its because I am finally feeling worthy enough and I need and and want more in this hard place but I don’t know how to apply it, ask for it, or even embrace it.

For the past 6 months I have been struggling with my health. I have been in and out of the Doctor appointments more than I have been my whole life.

I have had tests, MRI’S, blood tests, ultrasounds, scans, injections, medicines, more tests, monitors and the Doctor’s all have their hands up in the air trying to figure out why I am in so much pain and what is causing the issues.

Having to see MORE Doctors and do MORE tests, I am challenged! I am needing more support and when I need more support, it triggers this huge thing from my past and my first reaction to needing more – is pushing away.

I go inward instead of outward. I project my emotions and feelings that I feel for myself onto other people convincing myself that how I feel is how others feel about me, not realizing this is how I feel about myself, but others care and want to support me in this hard place.

I am starting to notice this pattern, and last night I began to write out this pattern and how I have gone through this many times through the past 6 months and I am beginning to see just how much my worthiness is a part of this struggle.

I have realized that maybe what I am feeling is not unworthiness for myself, but maybe its about knowing I am worthy of so much more and I don’t deserve this.

I have realized that the past 48 hours of tears wasn’t just about going through a hard time, but it was about feeling bad for myself and wanting more support, care and love -I just don’t know how to ask for it, or better yet, accept it and let that be okay.

Out of all the healing and progress I have done in the past 7 years of therapy, struggling with my self worth has been the most challenging for me, and I think I finally see why and I think I am ready to really make a shift into worthiness.

This pattern of mine comes from old old messages from the past. When I was sick as a child I took care of myself. 5 years old I TOOK CARE OF MYSELF!

The image of my mom sleeping on the couch while I was throwing up on the floor right next to her HAUNTS ME as she handed me a towel telling me to clean it up. I feared being sick my whole life since that moment because I didn’t have the love, care and support a child should have had.

When I was sick as a child I went to my closet and took care of myself. That is all I knew, and today that image haunts me! its hard for me to lean in towards people because that image in my head tells me “clean it up yourself”.

It wasn’t just that image, it was many more just like that and I began to accept “this is what happens when I need help and I have to take care of myself”.

Imagine how I must feel going through all this medical stuff right now, and that tension between the now and the past pulling at me from every direction.

The thing is, I think I am finally beginning to see my worth, and I think I am sad because I feel I deserve more and want more, but I fear being the burden that I was made to feel as a child. It haunts me and I fear being how I was made to feel my whole life.

I am still trying to find that balance of worth and the unworthiness I felt my whole life.

Last night I realized “wait, maybe this is more about knowing I am worthy and wanting other people to lean into that and care for me. Maybe I want to be taken care of. Maybe I want someone to say “Karen, what can I do to help you, what do you need?” and not have to seek my worthiness for that and just let it be okay.

That is a huge difference for me. Instead of pushing away, I am wanting to be pulled in and that could be healing on so many levels for not only me, but for the young part of me inside that still holds that haunting image from the past.

Today is my usual day off. I choose Thursday as my down-time from all the things in my life. But that is not going to happen today. I have to go see yet another Doctor and have yet another thing done, and I am really struggling with it.

My therapist has offered extra support today by asking me if I wanted to come in and have that extra support if needed and while every bone in my being is saying NO! that is DEPENDENT” I actually said YES I am going to be selfish and say YES I will take that extra support!

Will I struggle with that tension today of accepting? I can almost guarantee  it, and those around me also know my struggle and maybe I just need a gentle reminder that its SO okay and this is not a sign of weakness or dependance or neediness! This is a sign of strength by accepting care at a hard time.

A shift continues to happen inside of me everyday and I think paying attention that shift is so important. I am writing down these patterns and really trying to shift them from the lies of the past to the truth of the now.

Today will be a challenge for me, but I think its going to be so important to remember that this is not about my unworthiness, that its about learning to accept the worthiness of who I am really am.