finding a way out
One of the things that I promised myself when I started this blog about a year ago, was that I was going to be honest and true to my healing and my writing.
The purpose to this blog is is healing through connection with others; finding grace all around me – finding the strength through that truth and wisdom that God has created inside of me.
This is one of those moments where I feel I need to be honest in order to heal.
Sometimes when you are speaking your truth for it to be heard, you hold yourself accountable to the truth; therefor wanting to be in connection while allowing others to surround you in that truth.
As alot of you have noticed, I have not been writing much. I guess you would have to say I took a break, but not one that I planned. It was more of an isolation break. I pulled away!
I have dealt with some things that have triggered me right back into my past. I have not felt these feelings in a long long time. In fact, I dont think I have felt this way since I was a child, that is how bad it was for me in this past month.
I am sure some of you who do see me, dont really see it, I guess you would have to say that a lot of my “coping skills” still work, but it’s there, I am hurt, I am going through a hard time – and I will move through it.
The things that I have been going through in the past month have been much like feelings of being in the closet – alone in the closet – sitting in the closet! feelings of hyper-vigilance.
I have isolated from everyone around me. I have kept a few people close (Tracy, my therapist Andy, my friend Stacy, and my husband Tim) – but I have pretty much put a wall up to everyone else around me.
I have missed obligations, I even skipped going to Holy Week (one of my favorite times of the year). I have pushed people away, I have gone back into that dark place that I have not been in for a very long time – I even took a pain killer to relieve me of the pain I felt deep inside.
Today my therapist said to me “one thing I know about you is, you will move through this, we will move through this”. I trust his words to me. If anyone has seen me go through and persevere through hard stuff it’s my therapist – In fact I trust it so much that it has given me strength tonight to write this blog entry. Those words give me strength to look up and know that a hand is there, and people are there to walk along side of me, even in the dark.
I have no doubt that I will move through this hard place I am in right now. This is the first time I have been triggered by my past to this severity. I have always found strength through my truth and talking about my story, but never have I been in a place where I actually feel I am “back” in the past!
I feel as if I am in a maze and I am having a hard time finding my way out; everything looks the same but different. Things look distorted and I am trying to get a clear vision of it.
The difference? The difference in this is, I know that it’s happening, I know what is going on, and better yet, I know why it’s happening. I know where my support is, I know what I need to do to move through this, and I know that I have that strength inside to move forward, I just need to find the hand to get me up – and then I know where to go from there.
Back when I was a child, I didn’t know any of this – it just was, and I took it day by day in the way that I was feeling. Today I have choices. Today I have choices to move through this because I know the 5 words “You can talk about anything”.
Today I know that I have such a great support system. Today I know God is on my side. Today I know that I am a lot stronger than I was 5 years ago. Today I know that I will rise above, and I will find that light again – even in the dark.
I may feel as if I am sitting in the middle of the road right now waiting to get hit – but in real, I am sitting gathering strength to get up and fight again! That is what I do know! I am finding a way out of this, I wont give up, and I am not alone!
April 11, 2012 at 1:02 AM
Transparent, honest, where your at. I respect u for the courage and bravery it took to be so honest. I’m sorry you are struggling: if it helps, I’m with you, in many ways. I get it. I’m sorry for all your pain. But you are brave and courages and inspire me!! Hugs, lauren
April 11, 2012 at 1:58 AM
Thank you Lauren, and I know you are in a bad place.. I wish I could be more of help to you as well.. I hope the blog helped you to see that you are not alone.. not in the least … hugs to you .. we are here together … and it will get better!
April 11, 2012 at 7:55 AM
Karen, I think you hit the nail on the head with the Truth at the end of the post. You are not alone! He promises to journey with us. He promises to carry us when we feel weak. He promises to guide us and give us wisdom and direction. Keep clinging to this, friend!
April 11, 2012 at 4:02 PM
Thank you Eileen 🙂 .. God does promise. My therapist said to me today “God is always here, no matter what”.. we even said a prayer in session today! he heard his prayer today.. I have felt the lift from that!
April 11, 2012 at 3:40 PM
You are most definitely not alone! God is with you always – and if you need something a little more tangible, I’d be happy to come sit in the road with you!! 😉 Glad things are starting to look up – and I like the new site! 🙂
April 11, 2012 at 4:03 PM
Thank you Stacy 🙂 I appreciate your support 🙂 and thank you for wanting to keep me company in the middle of the road .. as long as you dont mind taking the risk of getting hit LOL hahahaha
April 12, 2012 at 2:40 PM
Nah, not too worried about getting hit! 😉
April 12, 2012 at 11:31 PM
hehehe I know, your so BOLD and STRONG.. you would probably get up and say “GET OUT OF MY WAY” lol even though you are in the middle of the road! I love that about you!
April 13, 2012 at 3:23 PM
My ability to say get out of my way just might depend
on what was coming at me!! 😉