facing truth . . .
When you write about something so significant, you are almost numb to the fact that you have no idea where to go next in that “significance”.
Today I have finally re-engaged, not so much re-engaged in the direction that I wanted to go, but I have re-engaged in the goodness of this significance.
Sunday as you all know, I posted the blog entry “Shedding the Shame”. I did not realize how much that blog had significance on me and my healing until yesterday, when I went into session, and we both sat there and read my blog (shedding the shame), and I read it out loud into the room where shame usually finds me most when talking about my past.
I had read that entry 10 times since posting it, but yesterday reading it out-loud, I felt as if I was reading it for the first time. It was a moment where time stood still, it was that significant. moments where I couldn’t find any words, I think I kept saying to myself inside “I really did shed the shame” “I really AM going towards me”.
When I read it outloud into the room, I had these huge range of emotions that came over me. I had feelings of sadness, feeling numb, excitement, celebration, anger, frustration. I had feelings of confusion, tears in my eyes, and some relief, but all these feelings sat in my throat with no escape to let them out, I was numb!
Today going back to session, I came to realize what happened, and why I was numb. I was facing truth; truth that not only am I no longer holding that shame, but also in realizing that letting go of that shame meant facing the feelings of what this shame covered up for me my whole life.
Today, I took my timeline book out, held onto it, opened it, ran my hand along the pages, looked at the photo inside of my Nana, had tears, looked at the pages I wrote so far, shut the book and said “not today”.
I knew in that moment not to rush; to be patient, and that facing the truth of my blog entry I read yesterday was something that I needed to honor. I needed to honor what it felt like to be in that truth.
Shedding the shame is also opening yourself up to feel. When you let go of that shame, you finally realize that you have true emotions about what was done to you. You finally realize that the mask is finally taken off to the people who hurt you, and you realize just how horrible they were.
Think of it this way – If you did something wrong, you feel badly about it don’t you? You have this feeling that justifies why you feel badly inside for what you have done wrong. Well, What happens when you realize that it wasn’t your fault; that you suffered all those inner demons and feelings of no self worth, and hate inside for yourself, all for nothing by realizing it WAS NOT your fault?
The blessing in this, is that I truly hold no more shame. The curse? I feel and I face truth of what was behind the shame. If it wasn’t my fault, how could these people hurt a young beautiful little child for 9 years, and neglected me as a teen and adult? That is the truth I face, and that is hard truth, but truth that is needed in this healing.
I think of the shame as a layer of skin, if you peel off your own skin, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to hurt like nothing you have ever felt before, but there is a healing process to that as well. You will find comfort and support to help you heal through it, and it will grown back, maybe even tougher than before.
No I dind’t work on my timeline yesterday or today, but tomorrow may be the day that “facing truth” opens the book to the timeline back up, in a whole different way – facing truth, with no shame!
February 14, 2012 at 3:39 PM
It’s always hard to face what is behind something that is revealed. Thank you for sharing this.. I am sure it’s not easy to be with such hard truth, but I believe this truth will make you stronger.
You have really opened my eyes to alot of my own healing.. thank you for always finding the words for those who can’t speak them like you.
February 14, 2012 at 6:26 PM
Karen – there is always truth behind something hard, and there is always something hard behind truth.. that is what I was always told. it’s what you do with it that really makes the difference.
Thank you for another great blog, it’s funny because every morning I look to see what you wrote, You have me on the edge of my seat sometimes wondering what part of your healing is revealed today. Thank you for giving us hope in hard times. We are blessed by you
February 14, 2012 at 6:31 PM
KAREN – Like I was mentioning yesterday, I am a LPC, and I see clients who can’t even get past the shame part. This is a huge step, you are facing the ultimate truth. Shame and guilt and all those emotions cover what it is that is possible to feel. That is why alot of people who are victims like this, they dont heal fully, because they dont shed the shame, or the guilt, or the hard hard shell and wall they have around them. It’s very rare that shame can be shed after abuse like what you have been through. The feelings you are going to endure under the shame that you shed, are going to be HARD feelings, but they are the TRUEST emotions that you can ever touch on. Does that makes sense?
I dont even know you, and I am proud of you .. keep writing, keep being true to your heart, keep fighting, because it’s all true!
February 14, 2012 at 9:51 PM
LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog post – your truth shines through
Karen Beth Courcy
February 14, 2012 at 11:14 PM
Wow, Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments! I am touched beyond words! I am really blessed tonight. Tonight I was sad, I was sitting in my bed, and just felt really sad for some reason.. and when I saw these comments, I realized that this healing journey yes is for me, but I am doing Gods grace by honoring my story, and possibly making a difference in someone else’s life and journey. I was sad tonight, but now I am going to bed with a small smile, and another bout of strength. I am not only fighting for myself, but I am fighting for those who are on my side; for those who suffer and need a place to come and feel NOT alone.
Thank you everyone.. this truly means alot to me. Thank you for putting a smile on my face tonight.