ANGER .. with no escape
Anger circled back around again Saturday later afternoon, just as the sad emotions did earlier that morning.
I think when we honor our emotions in some way or form; along comes out other things that were right behind it.
Anger is the emotion that I have the hardest time honoring. I have felt and honored fear, sadness, doubt, confusion, hope, joy, happiness, excitment, and wonder – but anger is the one emotion I have a hard time getting close to, or touching.
When I am angry, that is the one emotion that I swallow the most. I block it out. I do whatever I can to not look at it, or be with it.
People have told me that I am the most calm person they have ever met! I am quiet, I don’t make a loud entrance. I am very reserved, calm and soft spoken, I move quietly and I am gentle – if only people knew what I hold inside.
Anger is one of the biggest emotions that we have worked on over and over for years in therapy! We have touched it, and then backed away from it leaving it alone for a little while. We have gone back into it, and then gave me a break. We have reopened it, worked with it again, and then backed away from it – it’s that hard to be with.
We have worked with my anger many times. We have throw pillows, I have practiced pushing on and against my therapist hands while standing to get my anger out. He has had me punch pillows while him holding them; trying to find the words to match the action – to no avail.
We have tried having me write things down on paper and ripping them up with big anger words! I have stomped and kicked, and wrestled and thrown more pillows – still to no avail.
No matter how many times I have worked with anger, I still have a hard time fully letting it go and letting it out. When I get to certain point, I shut it down to the old messages, and I swallow it. I put it away, and yet it’s there, in a very big way! Just like the crying but bigger!
I have tried going to the gym and working it out by lifting heavy weights, or running miles and miles to get it out. I have taken kickboxing classes – still to no avail.
If I work with anger, no words come out. If I put the words out there, no anger comes out. It’s built in that I cannot be with this emotion! it’s toxic, because deep inside, I know I am angry!
I have been told over and over “you are filled with big anger and rightfully so!”
I AM angry, I am very angry! I am angry that the people of my past who hurt me, are living life, and I am here healing from the damage they created in me. I am angry that I have 42 scars on my body, which all of them I have to heal!
I am angry that not ONE person in my family has ever tried to come forward and help me heal through this. I am angry that I missed out on so much of my life because of what they did to me. I am so angry that my mom is still in bed, still sick, still thinking of herself.
I am angry that the man who raped me, it out of prison on good behavior! I am angry that I go to therapy 4 days a week working on my healing, working my ASS off with very hard emotions – while everyone who hurt me is totally oblivious to the HELL they have put on me!
I am angry that I cannot make love to my husband the way I would like to, because THEY took that away from me. I am angry that I never got to cry at my Nana’s funeral because I didn’t know HOW. I am angry that not ONE person that knew me as a child, had NO idea that I was being abused, beaten and neglected; that no one cared to check in with me (the quiet little girl who never went outside to play).
I’m angry that now that I lifted the Vail of their lies, I see everything and it hurts like hell to know I was HAD by my whole family; my flesh and blood.
I am so angry that no matter how much I type about why I am angry, I still am holding the anger inside! I am angry that I am still angry, and that I have to hold it.
I think for once in my blog writing, I don’t have a resolve for this. I think for the first time I can say, this is one thing I don’t know how to do. This is one thing I have yet to open up. Anger is the one thing that still resides deep in my soul.
We talked about it a couple of days ago in session. We know it’s there, we know we have to circle back around and honor it, but it scares me.
Anger shows up in small bits and pieces. I notice it in small bouts, but then I go back to “calm, gentle and reserved”.
The day my father smashed my head into the counter 3 times, was the day I labeled anger as “NEVER GO THERE” – EVER!
This is another part of my healing that I need to open up and close with truth. Sometimes I feel I am close to honoring it, but then I put it back away, deep inside, until it surfaces again.
I think being with my emotions and bringing those out last Tuesday, is what brought all these other emotions to the surface. It brought anger and everything else that was deep inside – and it’s just a matter of time of when it will show up.
I dont know why the anger showed up Saturday afternoon into the evening, and I dont know why I cried Saturday morning out of the blue while looking out the window, but what I do know is, it’s information, and I know I need to pay attention to it, and honor it.
I will go to church today, (have my one coffee I am allowed on Sunday for lent) – I’ll be calm and quiet like I always am – I will pray, and I will go back to being who I am minus the anger. I will swallow it again, until it circles back around. It’s a vicious circle, but one that I truly know I eventually have to open up, and close with truth.
March 4, 2012 at 2:10 AM
Karen – Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for writing this very true story about anger!
I was abused as a child, beaten alot by my father, and one of the things I had a tough time with growing up, is showing people how I feel if I was angry.
To this day, I never get mad, but I know it’s there. Anger hurts deep deep inside, and you finally made me feel as if I am not alone.
I am so sorry that you hold so much. No person should ever hold anything like that of what you have been through. I was beaten a few times, but I have not gone through what you have gone through.
I hope that someday you can find peace in your anger. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system.
Thank you for really opening a place for me to read and find more hope.
Karen Beth Courcy
March 4, 2012 at 9:03 AM
Janice – Thank you for opening up to your own story.. I am so sorry for your pain and I hope that you too find peace that you deserve! Thank you for coming here and reading my blog
Karen Beth Courcy
March 4, 2012 at 2:12 PM
Janice, I want to mention one more thing that I forgot to mention. You said to me “although I have not been in as much pain as you” .. I want to let you know that no ONE person’s pain is less than the other, or more than the other. Pain is pain, and it hurts.. there is no level to pain. When we are deeply hurt by someone who was supposed to love us, it hurts and it’s painful. Yes I had alot that happened to me, more than a little girl should have never gone through, yes I was raped, and I was neglected, beatedn and abandoned.. but all those things doesn’t make your pain less. You were hurt and you just as much as I, need healing –
I just wanted you to know that.. your pain is just as important as mine or anyone else who has been through this.
May 18, 2013 at 9:07 AM
Thank you for pointing this post out to me Karen. You wrote about your process with anger very clearly. Even though the writing may not have gotten it all out, it sounds like you are working really hard on it and some is getting purged. I can hear your frustration that there is more and it’s stubbornly sticking.
A lot of your story sounds like mine in essence, not detail. It helps to read your story and gives me some courage to continue working on my healing. But at the same time I have to admit that I don’t have a lot of energy for doing the work right now. There is a part of me that believes that something got broken in me that can never be healed. I’m acknowledging that, though I hope its not true.
May 18, 2013 at 10:14 AM
This was helpful for me to hear….”I am angry that I cannot make love to my husband the way I would like to, because HE took that away from me”. I replace HE for THEY….it’s what my dad did when he violated me sexually.
I have talked about it in therapy and with a few close people. but I haven’t healed it. And the consequences are that I feel repulsed now at being touched sexually. I used to have a good sexual connection with my husband. but now I guess some layers are peeled off and this stuff is coming up…only I don’t know how to deal with it. So our intimate times are very limited. I know it’s not because of anything my husband is doing. Yet I don’t know what to do when the repulsion comes up. I don’t want him to feel rejected or hurt. I’ve been stuck about this one. Fortunately my husband isn’t leaving me because of it and is patient and kind.
Thanks for listening.