a sea of emotions….
It is not often that I admit that I am having a hard time or not doing OK.
I am the type of person that will always see the smallest ray of sun even in the worst of black clouds and storms. I will always dance in the rain, and see the goodness in the bad.
I will always find my strength in the weakness no matter what I am up against – today I am not finding that strength, and today was a day filled with a sea of emotions that found me out of no where and IT HURT!
I was driving to session, and something just tore me up inside out of no where and I started crying in the car. I was driving down the highway and I couldn’t even breathe, or see where I was going. Tears were filling up my eyes faster than I could wipe them away!
In that moment, I called my mom while driving and said to her “I am scared of you dying”! I let my emotions be known to my mom on the phone even though she couldn’t talk due to a nurse being at her house giving her a bath.
I arrived at my therapist office a little earlier than I thought, and I sat in the car and just CRIED! I could not stop.
The tears would stop for a moment, and then they came back again just as bad in just seconds. I kept trying to wipe my face so it wouldn’t be seen – but these tears could not be hidden – not this time.
I went into therapy, and right away he saw my face, gave me a hug and said with his compassionate supportive voice “whats wrong?, talk to me”. I hardly EVER show up with tears. It’s hard enough to get me to open up and show my emotions in session; never mind showing up with them.
I am always Miss optimistic and powerful me always wanting to find strength and not the weakness. I want to the be the Karen who shows up and says “lets read my blog, I wrote something that was powerful for my healing”.. not today!
I sat there on the couch and wrapped myself with my own arms and I opened up about the hurt. The hurt was about being pulled into a thousand directions emotionally. The hurt was about me being in this hard place when just a month ago, I was so empowered no one could even get close to me without getting zapped!
I sat there and cried! cried in all my emotions! I was even asked “what do you need in this moment? Do you need a hug? a hand? connection? .. I said “a shoulder”.
My therapist said something that lifted me a little and that was – “if I was going through what you are going through right now in the place you are at with your mom and all that you are holding with other things, I would cry too“. He said that with a little bit of tears in his eyes, and I accepted that it was REAL and TRUE and OK – no matter how bad it felt.
He also said to me “you never knew what it was like to find strength in emotions, this is powerful showing me your emotions, not weakness“.
I am going through a lot right now. I have made a lot of decisions that throw me off my path, but it’s the right thing to do. I am struggling, and I say that no with shame anymore! I am confused and unsure, I am wanting more than anything to get back where I was. I keep reminding myself of what I said last weekend and that is “patience, it will pass“.
My mom’s surgery is scheduled out to May 4th. Now that it’s a month out, I am flying up there May 2nd till the 6th. This is scary, there is a good chance she will not make it.. the odds are not great – even the surgeon called and said “are you sure, this is really risky”.
I am making a lot of decisions right now, putting my own path aside for others. I keep telling myself “I can heal from this, but right now I need to honor this where I am at in this moment”.. but it hurts, yet I am doing the right thing!
There are some other things going on that I am not open to talk about that is also going on at the same time – I do have support around it, and it’s another thing I will get through, but right now it’s HARD.. truly hard!
Tonight I sit here and think about the hard day. I woke up feeling horrible, I knew something wasn’t right the moment I woke up. I knew it was going to be a hard day.. but I am also thinking to myself “maybe tomorrow will be a whole new day”.
I do have wonderful connection this weekend. I have friends who want to take me out for some much needed down time. I have a wonderful husband who is amazing and always supports me in anything I am going through.
I have wonderful kids who surround me with love. I have a wonderful therapist who said he will connect and check in with me this weekend anytime I need it. Then there is GOD who will provide me when the time is right.
Tomorrow maybe God will provide and give me a day of rest for my soul. I am not asking that he take it away; just a day to where I can handle it with a little more grace and peace, so it’s not so hard on my heart.
A sea of emotions showed up today – I cried – I cried alot – My heart is hurting today – I am not strong today and that is OK.
What I know is, Connection is everything. I have learned that – so if anything I know I have connection even in the hard days.
I thank God for at least giving me people I can surround myself with in these hard moments like today.
March 23, 2012 at 8:36 PM
HUGS Karen – I wish I could provide you with assurance and a hug myself! I know things will turn back to where you were. These moments that you are going through are called “movement”. You cannot get to where you want to get to without movement! if you are always strong in the same place, you will find yourself missing the parts you need to heal.
It sounds like you have a wonderful and compassion filled therapist who also knows what direction he see’s you going, and the trust that you have in him, that is GOOD karen, something you never had.
I am proud of you for writing this tonight
March 23, 2012 at 9:39 PM
Hanna! I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for the people in my life. My best friend Tracy is actually a LPC – therapist and even though she is my best friend, I turn to her for guidance as well.
Yes my therapist is amazing, Andy has been my rock for YEARS and I trust when he tells me “it’s going to get better” in the hard times.. but sometimes hearing those words are not enough, I want to BE in the good place I was at. It’s frustrating, but I know it’s there. BUt yes I am blessed.. I tell him all the time “your an amazing soul”..
Thank you Hanna, and I know I need to go to through the hard sometimes.. it just hurts to be derailed so many times when I know where I want to go! It’s SO CLOSE yet SO FAR away!
March 23, 2012 at 9:59 PM
Karen…I am SO sorry you are in so much pain right now. It really is hard to believe in the middle of it that it will get better. I hope you are able to find every single ounce of peace and connection that you need this weekend.
March 23, 2012 at 10:04 PM
…. – I was sitting here when your comment came in, it was funny how it POPPED up.. these are the things that mean alot ot me.. nice comments when I need it 🙂 Thank you for your nice comment.. I hope so too – I just said a prayer in my bed “just some goodness, not asking for money or the world”.. thank you
March 23, 2012 at 10:13 PM
I’m glad my comment popped up at the right time 🙂 That makes me feel happy. You deserve all the goodness you can get!
March 23, 2012 at 10:27 PM
Karen – big hugs and support coming your way! if there is anything I can do, let me know.
I hope your mom is going to be ok.. I will say a prayer for her too! what is it that she is having surgery on?
March 23, 2012 at 10:29 PM
Shannon .. My mom is having a 75 pound Tumor removed from her uterus.. she is also having her gall bladder out, and they have to go behind the LIVER to remove stones. The risk is the TUMOR. She has diabetes and has a hard time with her blood pressure.. it’s VERY VERY VERY risky! 50/50 chance.. I am scared and it’s alot to hold.
Thank you for your prayers
March 23, 2012 at 10:55 PM
Thank you for sharing the raw feelings. Those are the
the tough ones to share. All I can do is committ to pray
for you & your mom. The scripture is Zeph 3:17,
“He will quiet Karen with HIS love.” Xoxo, me
March 24, 2012 at 12:15 AM
Lauren… thank you for the nice talk on the phone tonight.. I am sorry I wasn’t much help when you were gone for a week.. but do know I am here if you ever need me. I am proud of you and your healing
March 24, 2012 at 12:03 AM
So sorry for all the pain and frustration you are going through. Not an easy place to be for sure! We are praying for you and your mom, that everything will go well. Wish there was more we could do! Let me know when you have some free time and we can go wander around the new public garden up in Ball Ground if you’d like. It’s quiet and pretty and relaxing! 🙂 Keep your chin up! God loves you so very much! 🙂
March 24, 2012 at 12:16 AM
Stacy.. that sounds amazing!!!!! WHEN? lets do it! that sounds absolutley amazing!! thank you for your prayers.. I appriciate it very much!