writing for me

JPEG image-4DDD67A6E979-1When I first began my blog about 6 years ago, I was very hesitant about others seeing what I wanted to write about; what my deepest thoughts were.

So I started out the blog by talking about things that were easy, like – “how much I love my boys”, “Photos of the family” “every day little thoughts”, poems, quotes, just little things that people coule relate to.

As I began to feel the blog water out, I began writing from my heart! I began to write about the past and all the haunting stories that fill my soul even today.

I began telling people my story in how I am a “adult survivor of child sexual abuse” and how living with that every day effects me.

I Then began writing about my therapy and the healing process. I began writing about the truths of the every day struggles of healing, mixed in with a little bit of my faith.

But the one thing I noticed, was that my blog was responded to a lot when I wrote about faith, and family, and the every day things that others can relate to… but on the days I wrote about the struggles of my healing – there was silence – hardly any responses but just very few.

I felt alone, and thought “maybe my voice is too loud”.

I have written my thoughts out since I was as little as 5 years old. Putting my thoughts out there from the heart was how I healed, and today it still works the same way – when I write about my healing and the process of healing that I go through every day, it helps, it heals, it gives me voice to the dark.

I noticed that my writing has been few and in between lately. I am hesitant (for many other reasons from 3 years ago when I was watched closely by another around my therapy writing) but I am hesitant to really put my thoughts out there about my every day struggles and healing in fear I wont connect with anyone.

I began to write less and less, and I noticed the past couple of weeks this VOID in my heart … I want to write about EVERYTHING! I want to write about my healing process, I want to write about the truths and the struggles and even the good in the struggles and not fear it wont make a connection with others.

I know that when I write about the things that people tend to shy away from, there is less connection – but the thing is, how can people turn from truth? I can’t fake it, and I wont fill my blog with only smiles and rainbows and how much I love God!

Yes, I am a very faithful woman, I love God, love my faith, love my family, and I am all about writing about the good, but why shy away from the hard? Why shy away from writing about things that heal; even if it’s a hard road that got me there?

I spent a childhood being silenced to only talk about the good and never the hard or the bad, I don’t want to live that way again. I am tired of writing to please the connection and others out there, and when I do write about the hard and the healing, there are those who truly stand by me and get it, and that feels good!

A couple of weeks ago, I created a Facebook group called “Together We {BLOG} and I have met some wonderful people from all walks of life.. people who are faithful and love their faith, people who write for the love of writing, and yes even people who struggle and battle with struggles from the past and living life with trauma issues.

I began to read other people’s blogs and how free their writing is, and how much I miss writing about all the sides of me, not just the good and faithful, and how much I love my family and god .. I missed writing about the very things people shy away from.

It has taken me a long time to say “I am an adult survivor of Child Sexual Abuse” and I am not about to put that back into silence anytime soon.

I miss writing the way I used to write 3 years ago .. about all the things in my life, and yes the healing part – my every day healing process and the walks an steps I take in therapy, which is a huge part of my life.

I have decided this week that I am no longer going to silence myself from the things I fear doesn’t create a connection, because I look at it this way, if people can’t connect with all of me, all sides of me, the good and the struggles, then it’s not a connection to begin with.

The quote that came into mind this past week “When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen”

I look forward to opening my blog once again and not having the tension of what I should write about to be accepted in connection.. I will write from the heart, write for the truth, write about the things that are hard and good.. and most importantly I am going to write for ME!

Linking up with “Three Word Wednesday

33 comments

  1. Oh, Karen…I’ll tell you the words I have used with another online friend whom I have felt a large connection with: “I love to read your heart”; for in reading this post, I have truly read what is deep inside of you…the YOU that is who you are today because of the struggles you have gone through in you life. I may not be able to say – “I know how you feel” – as with others who are sharing their journeys through abuse, or illness or whatever; but I am here as a friend to “listen” and share and be there. And I may not have the “right” words to say – and maybe that is why sometimes people are silent? – but know that I AM here!!!

    Thank you for sharing your heart and soul; your journey…and your life with us! And for connecting us all through Tuesday @ Ten and the Together we {BLOG} group!

    So grateful to be a part of all of these!

    1. Barbara.. thank you SO SO much for this comment … this gives me hope.. thank you for these sweet words .. it helps, it really does. I am so glad I can offer a connection.. this meant a lot to me :)

  2. Words heal the soul…and I need your words as well as my own on this healing journey. I am a survivor of Child sexual abuse too and I believe I was lead to your blog just recently as I struggle to revisit it all and heal on a deeper level. Thank you got your conviction and courage.

    1. Hi Anne …. thank you for this comment.. it drives me to keep writing for all the reasons I love to write …. I am so blessed to have met some really nice people like you. thank you for taking the time to read this and supporting me through it.

  3. Karen Beth, I look forward, very much, to reading your writing…I think we’ve ‘said’ it before to each other: it’s important to tell our stories, especially as they could help other people….I’ve used my blog over the last few months as a place to vent upset/hurt in the face of very difficult personal circumstances…..if I hadn’t had that place to write (which felt more powerful, somehow, in terms of ‘getting over it’ than writing in my journals), I don’t know what I would have done…..it’s your space…..use it how you want/need…..! I’ll pop in when I can because I love reading your writing….your voice is so powerful….and I love your link-up (which I will join when I’m able to; spare time has been rare recently)…have a lovely Easter….looking forward to seeing you here more often!!!!!

    1. Hi! yes we have talked about this before and our voice is our power.. thank you for this reminder :) thank you for being a friend and a listener!

  4. Writing is my own therapy too. I think too often we don’t know how sharing our story truly affects people. Way to keep going. Thanks for linking up at #ThreeWordWednesday.

    1. Hi Kristin .. thank you so much for this .. I love meeting others who go through similar trials as me, not because others suffer, no I would never want anyone else to suffer the things I do, but just to have a connection with others who understand :) thank you for stopping by my blog :)

  5. Karen Beth, recently I found your blog through Three Word Wednesday. I became a follower because I was intrigued by your story and the way you’ve chosen to write about it. As a fellow Adult Survivor of Child Abuse I appreciate that you’ve chosen to use your writing as a way to heal yourself and connect with others during the process. It must be both terrifying and satisfying at times! Thank-you for giving us a glimpse into your heart.

    1. THANK YOU Wendy .. and thank you for following and reading .. love the connections I am finding through others .. truly makes it easier to write when others understand a little more of how hard it is to have a voice …. thank you :)

    1. Thank you Karrilee .. it’s hard being a writer sometimes .. you pull away a little, and then you go forward and your not sure sometimes.. even after all these years, I haven’t quite found the nitch for where my writing stands in direction.. so this week I thought “I am going to just be ME” however that looks ..

  6. I can totally relate to wanting to write more openly and honestly about things that are on your mind and heart, but worrying a bit how people will respond. I recently wrote a post about that, although not as elegantly as you put it! I am sorry about what you went through. I think that there are plenty of people out there who can relate and if they found your blog, would appreciate it. Write for you. I am so glad you started your FB group. I love it!

    1. thank you Tonya! thank you for the support in this … I would love to read what you wrote on this .. and thank you for being a part of the group, I am so excited to meet so many new people …

  7. See, I think MORE people need to write like you — honestly and authentically. Every time I read your blog I feel a calm peace and appreciate your real-ness. I cannot know what it is to survive what you’ve survived, but I can surely understand the difficulty in staying determined to write your story with the pen in your own hand–and I applaud you for being determined to do so bravely.
    The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. (John 1:5)

    1. WOW Brooke…. your comment touched my heart and gave me hope even more so .. thank you for this .. it meant a lot to me .. it really did.. and yes light does shine out the darkness :) thank you for that reminder!

    1. thank you shary… I appreciate the support in this and thank you for taking the time to come to my blog, read my post and be supportive … I am blessed for that.

  8. I know as a two time rape survivor that the silence is the hardest. Write how you feel and don’t worry about what other people are thinking. There are many people out there like me who are finding healing in your healing. God is speaking to all of us in the way we need to hear it when He is speaking through you!

    1. Tricia, I am so sorry for what you have gone through, and thank you for the encouragement .. so happy you stopped by my blog … thank you

  9. KarenBeth, I wish I could reach out and hug you. You have really inspired me in my own journey which is different and yet the same as you describe above. You encourage so many with your writing. Sometimes people are silent because it is too close to the pain that they want to be free from. God plants seeds though as you share and someday the words you wrote from the heart will be remembered and grow.

    1. Hi Jackie … thank you so much for this comment and the hug of support .. that means a lot to me … your words resonated with me this morning so thank you for the reminder … I am blessed to have good people in my life like you.

  10. Karen, I think many of us in the blog world would echo your thoughts exactly. Maybe we didn’t experience the exact same sadness in our life – it could be something else, but I think it’s always encouraging in our faith to hear others journey story and gather up little tidbit to help us on our own personal journey. It seems so odd that we share on the “world wide web”, but it reminds me of a time in my life when I had a Sunday morning gospel show on our local radio station. The director told me..”you will be spending to 100’s of people in every given moment, but you have to make it personal like you are only speaking to one person.” That’s what I try to keep in mind when I write. I have enjoyed getting to know you…my writing sister in faith. :)

  11. I know what you mean about connecting through a blog. It is hard and at the same time you have to be honest with yourself first and those in the blogsphere you are in to really connect. Good luck and I can’t wait to see what you say!

  12. KarenBeth – I am so glad you have found your courage, to write anyway – and all of what is in your heart! After 7 years of blogging, I am still working on truly opening up! Oh, I have had my brave moments – and they have resulted in some of my best writing, ‘because’ they were so raw and honest. They were also long; because when the spilling starts to happen…..
    Mine too have gotten little feedback. I think the therapeutic process is so important. But there is that need to feel like….someone heard you. And cared. Even if they don’t understand it all. I truly can understand.
    The part where you said someone was following your therapy posts closely, hit home for me. For my part….I can easily put my deepest, darkest or most honest thoughts out there for MOST of the world to see. It’s the few in the world I know all TOO well…..who I want to give NONE of myself to, who I KNOW are reading closely….even though they detest me…that holds me back. But me and God are working on it. He has brought you to this place of peace, and I am confident if I pay attention, He will bring me where He wants me to go, as well.

    1. Awwww thank you so much caitlin…. that just made my heart smile …. thank you :) and thank you for reading my blog !

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