walking in with no {walls}

{re}connecting back into session today after 10 days was nothing like it used to be, in a good way, a connecting way, a “healing” way.

In the past, breaks and vacations from therapy whether it be me going away, or my therapist going away, or my friends going away – I would build walls and try and do it on my own.

I would disconnect and go inward because that is what I do, I try and be too strong all the time thinking I can do it on my own, because honestly, that is what I did my whole life! I never had support in my life, so I did it alone.

This break was different – this was a break not only my therapist and close friends were taking for vacation, but this was a break “I MYSELF” needed from all my surroundings! I chose to take time off as well for me, and what I needed.

When I walked into therapy today it was different. There were no walls of my “independence” that I build so high all the time. I had no walls that had to come down to let someone in. There wasn’t any awkwardness in the room, it was just FILLED with connection!

I walked in today open and connected, and we jumped right into great conversation, healing words, reflecting on promises made.

We had a few laughs and then there were BIG TEARS! Big tears that had NO WALLS to cover them – and I was met with care, understanding and support in my emotions that showed up.

Big tears and emotions showed up because it was authentic and real – no walls to cover, no disconnection to hide the emotions.. and it felt OK.

I realized this was such a huge change for me from the past.. I realized during this break that I didn’t have to do it alone – connection is always here, and I don’t need walls to cover my strength, I can be strong and connected at the same time.

The walls of my stubbornness in thinking I have to do it alone were gone, lifted, vanished and my therapist kept smiling.. it’s so new for me to be open right away after a long break.

Having gone through a tough month of May, there is newness in my ability to be more open and connected, and I have wonderful support and I realize that more and more everyday through that support around me. I realize more and more everyday that I don’t need to build walls, I am safe!

Like the quote above says “You are confined only by the walls you build yourself” .. I chose to stay open the whole 10 days I was gone – open to myself, open to whatever I was struggling with, open to my support, open to 2:00, open to reaching out no matter what, and what that lead me to was more connection, no walls, just connection.

I gave my therapist a gift from the beach. It was a little sand box, it’s square and painted and has a shell on the top and inside I had written “neither here or there, connection is always near” .. and he absolutely loved it because  it’s a testament of another step forward in my healing, and our work.

I stayed connected, and I still am… and It’s great to be back into this {re}connection with no walls.

4 comments

  1. Hi There Karen – I love this blog, I actually could feel the hope through your writing! I am glad that this was so different for you, it feels different from any other blog I have read of yours, good for you girl!

    Lisa

  2. KAREN – That is just wonderful, what a wonderful way to connect, and be present in the moment to honor both laughter and tears, connection, and newness.

    I am glad you got to take some time away from life, we all need that, and I love your beach photos on your facebook :)

    hugs from me for such a great writing today

    Hanna –

    1. Thank you Hanna, and yes it was great. this reconnecting back into my healing this week is a great connecting reminder of near or there, here or there connection is always near and I never have to do it alone no matter what – no more walls. It’s just different this time, my healing is on a whole new level and Andy and I have worked so hard and we are both excited about moving through the time-line now.

      Thank you Hanna .. hugs right back at you

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