As you all know and realize, my writing has taken a back seat for the past year or so, and I can’t even begin to tell you all how much I miss writing the way I used to write.
My hope – – (hope not expectations) — My hope is that I will begin to write more as I continue to take steps forward and out of this isolation I have been stuck in for months and months now.
My healing journey in therapy and the work I am doing with my therapist has been good, hard, and incredibly healing! As I wrote a couple of months ago, I am working so hard and have taken so many big steps for the good – the most I have been connected on this healing journey of mine for almost 9 years now.
I am turning a new corner in my healing, and its all about “trusting the connection” and “feeling what it is I am feeling“, “feeling emotions and understanding what they mean.. it’s been about “being in the moment“, its been about “pushing through the silence and speaking from the heart” it’s been about “accepting support” it’s been about “leaning in when the struggle is there and not leaning on the old messages from the past” .. so many changes and I am feeling like a different person each day.
The one thing that hasn’t changed is this hard self isolation I have struggled with for over a year or so now, and I am slowly taking steps out of that, but it has been a slow process; but a process that will take me out and forward back into the life I was meant to live.
Even in the hardest days, I am connected to myself and the process of this healing and trusting I can talk about anything – even in the most vulnerable moments ..
so why is the isolation still a struggle? why am I still struggling so much with fear and self isolation from the things I love? Well, because the fear and the old messages of the past has really pulled me from what I know and the connection I had with others . . . .
I have had a VERY HARD couple of years. I endured a struggle that shook the core of my healing and I was being pulled further and further away from connection to myself and the connection to others, and it has taken me a while to see the pull and the struggle, and to find the trust that I can pull myself out of that fear, and accept support to help.
It has taken me a long time to get to this new place I am in now. It has taken me a long time to re-find the trust of others around me. It has taken me a long time to find the self worth again. It has taken me a long time to realize what it was that was going on inside of me, and finding the steps needed to walk up and out of this closed in space of isolation.
It hasn’t been easy . . . . in fact it was hell for a while! I feel like I lost so many things around me – those things I felt defined me as the person I am – – but I know one thing – I haven’t lost it, I only walked away from it – – those things and people are still there waiting for me, and I am taking those steps back slowly as I heal the reasons behind the fear.
ACCEPTANCE has been the one thing I have found in this hard place.. acceptance of my own feelings and emotions. Acceptance of the hard place I was in and why. Acceptance that I am cared for and supported with no consequences. Acceptance that emotions are to be felt, not pushed away. acceptance that no matter what struggle I am going through, I don’t have to do it alone.
My therapist and I have a new-found relationship this past year . . . . a relationship of new trust, new acceptance, and being fully open no matter what is here in our work together. I am truly blessed for him, so so blessed that God put me in his path, and him on my path .. and I am blessed that God has opened “my eyes” and “his eyes” this past year to what was standing in the way of my healing, and what was needed to break through that.
God has opened my eyes to push through the old messages of the past, and although I am still working hard through that, I am finding faith in moving out of this place I have been in for years now.
I hope to write more about this journey as I take steps .. and I also hope to give my blog a new change to go along with the changes I have going on within . . . I would love to share this journey with you all, no fear, just being open and connecting with others and taking you all along with me.
That is my hope. . . . . turning a new corner . . . . . one step at a time. . . . . . the story continues ;