truth be told

Market-OnlineToday in session my therapist asked me “do you ever write in your blog in the very moment your feeling something? Do you ever write in the moment of what you feel and show your struggles as it’s happening?”

My answer was no! I actually don’t write as my struggles are happening. I first rationalize what I am feeling, come up with a solution, find empowerment over it, and then I post a blog about how I overcame it or in the process of the empowerment giving others hope along the way.

Most of my posts are positive, strong, willed and filled with empowerment over something hard I went through. I write always looking towards the light so that maybe no one will see the darker side.

I guess a part of me is afraid to sometimes show that I am struggling, or having a hard time moving through something. I imagine that comes from my past to where the only front I had was “I am fine and everything is great” or “I got through it and I don’t need any help”.

Truth be told? I am struggling and I have been for almost a year, especially in the past couple of months.

The things that happened over in the past year put a new wall up in front of me that caused me to isolate from friends, things that I used to love doing, places I loved to go to, being at the gym, or even showing up every weekend at church.

Something from my past surfaced over the past year, and it’s almost like something switched off inside of me and I am struggling to get back to where I was; to turn the switch back on, but it’s dark and I can’t see where the switch is.

Something deep from my past surfaced and it changed something inside of me – or at least for the moment. I can feel it, its that feeling inside like something is missing and it hurts.

I am actually crying while writing this post, because I never thought how hard it would be to actually “show” or “admit” to struggle in front of a wide range of people who read my blog, and support my blog and my writings.

I guess a huge part of me wants to open up about the truth of my struggle because maybe by writing about it and being open about it; gives me more connection to grow, and move forward.

Before last year happened with the “situation” I was in with this other person – I was at the gym all the time, working out and staying fit. I went to church so much that I even think my Deacon wondered if I had a home besides the church. I went to coffee houses and hung out with my good and close friends. We would go shopping at the mall, or go to lunch together. I would love going out at night and doing things when my kids were busy with their stuff, and always being in company.

I had a wide range of connection with many people and for some reason this past year after all that I went through I have condensed it down to a very small support system, I pushed a lot of people away.

I stayed close by to those who know what hardness I am holding like my husband and my therapist and a few really close friends. I have isolated and became a prisoner to whatever part of my past surfaced because of what happened this past year.

For some reason, in this past year, I have re-built walls to protect myself. I am not saying I put up all my walls, but new ones have built around me, and we are working hard to figure it out why, and how to break those new walls down so that I can escape from whatever it is that grabbed a hold of me this past year.

I workout at home and don’t go to the gym. I miss more church than I should and I miss it so much. I stopped talking to a handful of people I used to talk to, and push away new ones who try to come forward.

I go to therapy and I continue to heal, and my therapist has been so wonderful trying to help me and help figure out how we can move me out from behind the new walls that were built.

I don’t sleep in my bedroom or bed and haven’t since Christmas. I sleep on the couch every night in the livingroom with 3 pillows propped up like I am on guard constantly.

When a friend texts me asking me if I want to go out and do something, the answer is almost always “I can’t, I am busy” – unless it’s one of the few who know how to pull me out enough to get me to engage forward.

When I go out and do things, it’s almost always by myself, because that way, I dont have to pretend to be strong or put on a front.

I am waiting for that switch to flip, or that something inside of me to just switch with a huge “WAKE UP BRAIN” and say “ahh there I am, this is the Karen I know”. but something is stopping me and I don’t know what.

I see the gym, I pass by it everyday, but something is stopping me from taking a step inside of it – maybe I am afraid of all the people who used to see me in there body building before say “wow she is not as strong anymore”. Maybe because I feel weak, I feel I am not good enough to go to the gym.

I see the coffee-house, and love the coffee-house, but I drive right by it.

I see the phone calls come in, but I ignore it and leave my phone on silent.

I MISS the church,see the church, feel the church in my heart, but I stay up extra late on Saturday night forcing myself to sleep in on Sunday so I can wake up and say “maybe next week I’ll go”.

I have made some steps forward like a couple of weeks ago going to the church, and having lunch with one of my friends, but then I retract again and I don’t know why.

I am struggling with something hard inside, and I don’t know what it will take to flip the switch.

I am a mom, a very good mom. I make sure my kids are happy and have everything they need, and that everyone else in my life has what they need – but making the step for myself this past year has been hard.

I miss a lot of the things I used to enjoy, and I am trying to figure out what happened and why walls were built from whatever part of my past was surfaced out of this hard year.

I am struggling to find the old me, but I know I am here, I KNOW IT! I know it because at times I can feel it, but I need to heal something first, and we are trying to figure what that something is. Something is here for a reason, and I need to open myself to see it.

It’s SO hard to admit having a hard time when people always see you as the strong one. It’s SO hard to admit when I am having a hard time when people look up to me all the time “oh! Karen is so strong” “she is so empowered all the time“, “WOW Karen, how do you do it?” “your writing is amazing, you have come so far in your healing” – and yes although all those are true, I am also struggling right now, and maybe I am the one who needs the support right now.

I am afraid to show this side of me in fear that if I show the struggle and weakness, it means I am weak and stuck. But maybe the first step is found to admitting the struggle, and that is why I am writing this tonight.

This past weekend I made some small steps .. I bought a book called “healing the child within” and maybe there is an answer to something that re-surfaced in this past year that needs healing and closure.

I bought a new agenda book and put a photo on the front of it that says “I am worthy”.

I bought new sneakers today and they are sitting right there in the corner looking at me, waiting for its first run, and first stance as I lift weights again.

I will say this, even in the struggle right now – I am blessed for the people I do have and held onto during this hard time. I think without them, I would have sunk.

My therapist has been so incredibly supportive and filled with hope along side of me. We work so hard, and one of the things he told me today was “whatever it is that is here right now out of this hardness, does NOT define who you are, we all know what is there, I know what is there – a good good person worthy of so much”. 

I am blessed for my husband and his continued love and compassion for me. He is and always has been my rock and best friend.

With all the hardness and struggle I have never lost sight of what is right in front of me.

Truth be told, I am having a hard time right now, and struggling to find my way back out of what surfaced out of this hard year. It’s like seeing something in front of you, but you can’t grab a hold of it because something is blocking it, and it hurts so much that I can’t grab it!

So . . . here is my first step in admitting that I am struggling and how hard it has been.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not going down any bad paths or anything like that .. I am just struggling to find the old me back .. or better yet, maybe the answer is not about finding the old Karen, maybe it’s about finding the new one – the one who would never sit here, write and admit that she was struggling because she felt she had to do it all on her own – and here I am, writing about it.

Taking this step, maybe I can write in my blog even more now  .. because at least now I don’t have to pretend to be strong, I can just be and know I have all the support right aside of me watching and waiting like me to take that huge step forward that I KNOW is there.

My therapist just said to me on the phone a few moments ago “you are going to be OKAY, we are going to figure this out” – thank you Andy, you always have the right words for me to grab a hold of and hold.

.. and that is the hope, and when I do find that switch and flip it, it’s going to be one big celebration and a dance!

In the meantime, I stay connected, I open up, I stand with my support and accept their hand, shoulder and arms in a hug, and I accept that this blog writing tonight was a first step towards me!

14 comments

  1. There is so much purity in this email, you had me in tears.

    You are strong, and you are looked up to, but you are also human and have a right to all the emotions you help your readers through.

    anything you need, feel free to email me. Thank you for sharing your truth.

    1. thank you so much and the support means a lot to me. I have had an OUTPOUR of support around this blog writing by emails, messages, and even a couple phone calls (that I answered) … I appreciate it

  2. Karen . . what a COURAGEOUS blog writing. You have taken a huge step forward. It’s like what they say in 12 step meetings, you can’t heal unless you admit there is a problem. You have courageously said “I am struggling” instead of “I am fine”.

    I am so sorry that you are going through such a struggle, but I also know that you will get through this. Andy is right, this is not who you are, this is how you feel, not defined by who you are.

    I hope that you find that switch, and I am sure the answer is found from the past within you.

    I am saying a lot of prayers for you going forward.

    1. Hanna thank you! Andy had called me before I posted the blog and I dont think I ever cried so hard! Its one thing to open up to all the blog readers who support me, but as I was writing the blog, I saw truth and how much I am struggling. It’s one thing to feel it, but to see it and to accept it’s OKAY to struggle.. it’s OK not to be strong. It’s OK to admit that sometimes you just dont know how to fix something and to trust others who know how.

      I am BLESSED … I dont have any other words but that!

  3. (((HUGS))) and you have everyone here who loves you whether you are strong, or struggling, you are accepted either way because we love you girl! I miss you, but I also know what the past year has been for you, even with your heart troubles.

    I am offering up a huge prayer tonight, and just know, your support and therapist is right, you are so worthy!

    1. Gracie! HUGS BACK and I miss seeing you at church. I so appreciate your friendship, an hugs and words of encouragement … this is hard.. not knowing why I am having a hard time is HARD .. but I know I will get through it, and I know I will flip that switch .. I just have to trust whats in front of me.

  4. First of all, I love the new look of your blog, and second, BIG HUGS! honestly I had no idea any of this was going on with you, and sometimes it’s hard to tell when any of us are struggling because at times we do put up fronts for the sake of others and ourselves. Like Hanna said, courageous! I honestly think healing comes when we admit our struggle and pain, and now instead of just a few people holding your hand, you have many!

    love ya!

    1. aww thank you rainy – I got your email by the way and thank you, I will check out your writing.

      Today has been a positive day! opening up was hard at first, but there is a sense of relief that I dont have to hide behind strong, I can write exactly how I feel.

  5. We are simultaneously struggling with tough stuff, AND strong, courageous and fine. At least that is what I keep seeing. I’m really glad you have shared more of your self in this blog post. It’s hardest to feel the painful stuff and not know why it’s happening. The ‘why’ and not knowing is hard. Actually crying when you feel the pain is the healing process. I believe. The releasing of the pains and fears with someone you trust is a healing process, it’s not weakness nor is it being stuck. In my opinion.

    It’s always a gift to me when you share your process…whether it’s in retrospect or in the middle of it, when you don’t know the why and you haven’t gotten out the other side yet.

    Keep going!
    Thank you .

  6. Aww Thank you Gel, and like I told you in your blog as well, I am proud of your struggles and your healing .. both! I wish I accepted that more for myself.

    Well if Crying is indeed the healing process, I should be well on my way, on a boat because I shed more tears when sharing my struggle than I have in years lol, and I am not one to cry too often without a fight to make it stop.

    This past year and being watched by someone and stalked and always wondering if my words and actions were safe brought up a huge part of my past and that is whats here now.. and I am trying to figure out what part of my past needs healing. I have moved past what happened in the past year.. OVER IT.. not even worth my energy.. it’s the past that is here that I am struggling with and that is my movement forward… not healing what happened, but healing why it hurt..

    Thank you Gel.. you comfort my soul … always

  7. Reading this entry has reminded me of some things that I had walked through years ago and every once in a while I have to revisit for some ungodly reason. Regardless, you might find instead of your old self, rather yourself a bit changed, a bit stronger, a bit more vulnerable. Sometimes it is in our vulnerabilities that we have the most difficulty, especially as people who put forth the “I am strong” facade to the world. The reality is, there is more strength in your vulnerabilities than the strong face. In that, I have to say, I think you are incredibly amazing to be willing to share this and it has touched my heart deeply.

  8. Janice

    THANK YOU so much! that means a lot to me! I am truly realizing that strength is found more in showing the struggle and reaching out for help. It’s a hard hard lesson, especially where I fear dependance, but I dont have a choice, I have to start accepting if I want to heal forward, can’t do it a lone.

    Thank you for your wonderful response

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