today is bigger than my strength

tumblr_mpd26tuA4k1r4sa3jo1_r1_400I woke up this morning angry and frustrated at the world!

I didn’t want to work hard at it, I didn’t want to put on my boxing gloves and fight through the everyday battles and struggles just to be, today I just didn’t want to be strong!

I show up to life everyday! every single day I wake up and fight through the trenches of whatever is thrown at me both good and bad. I do it because its what I do! I am a fighter!

I work hard! I work my ass off in therapy, I work hard at being the best I can be just to make through each day pass my struggles, and I do it with grace! I do it because God and everyone around me has faith in me.

Today I woke up and just didn’t want to fight the fight.

I showed up to session this morning and didn’t want to be there. I show up 4 days a week and I show up big! I have never missed a therapy session in 6 years and 7 months. I work hard, I fight the battle of healing, my therapist and I both work so hard together and we are such a great team, but today, I showed up and I just didn’t want to be there.

I finally did break down and have emotions in session and they were met with a hug and comfort and support. I told my therapist “I just DO NOT want to be strong today, I don’t want to work hard at being”. and I was supported, but some days support is just not enough.

Today I just don’t want to be strong and maybe that is okay! Maybe it’s okay to be sad and angry and feeling sorry for myself.

I said it best in session this morning when I said to my therapist “today feels bigger than me”, meaning, the day I have to face today feels bigger than my fight! and my therapist said “and that is okay, that is when you can lean on your support and let me and anyone else help you move through ti so that you don’t have to be strong”.

I have a doctor’s appointment at 2:15 and lets face it, I am tired of being at the doctors. I have some phone calls to make today and some things to move through and I just don’t want to do it!

If nothing else I can say good about myself, I know one thing, I am a FIGHTER! I am strong and move through many obstacles in my life. I wake up every day and tackle the struggles and burdens that lay before me, and I don’t complain about it, I just DO IT! I show up to therapy and I work hard! I show up big in my own life in being a mom and a wife.. I never complain, but today I just don’t want to do it.

I know I am not alone in this … I know other people out there who wake up and feel their day is bigger than their strength, and I just need to accept that some days its OKAY not to be strong.

My therapist offered his support all day today, he will call me later on and we will talk. I have my husband in between his meetings and I can talk to him if it feels challenging, and I know I am surrounded by love and care.

Today is bigger than me, and its going to have to be okay! Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will be strong again and I will smile and I will show up in all the places in life I need to show up strong, but today – I will just have to move through it the best that I can knowing it’s okay to let life and the day be bigger than my strength.

2 comments

  1. Even warriors have to rest (and play?)
    You are an amazingly hard worker. It makes sense that you’d hits some days that are more than you have the energy for. You already said it all in your post though. I’m guessing you already know that part of the healing process is learning to let go of even fighting it all the time. Maybe it’s a paradox for you to let go of the hard work ethic -just for a little while.

    One of the things I’ve been (finally) learning in my yearlong health and doctor journey is that those moments or days when I feel fed up with the difficult parts, when I hear myself say “I don’t want to do this”, or I don’t have the energy — where I would have totally given up in the past — now I recognize that I can have a mini-giving up. For a day or two. I just let it all go and don’t try hard, but just for a little while. And usually in a day or so I have a return of resolve and energy for trudging forward or following through.
    I’ve given up on things a lot in my life. I was amazed to read that you have never missed a therapy session in all these years of going. That is incredible dedication.
    It is OK to have any feelings that you have including feeling like you don’t want to do stuff. I don’t believe in “feeling sorry for yourself” I don’t believe in it being wrong or indulgent to have those feelings. (I don’t use that phrase: “get off the pity pot” it sounds so harsh and demeaning)

    β€œtoday feels bigger than me”….That sounds like another side of you that is getting to come out now….it’s humbleness. And it doesn’t diminish your strength to ALSO be soft and vulnerable and need to have a break or need to accept support from others.

    Blessings to you!
    xx

    1. thank you … this comment made me smile.. thank you for the assurance .. and I am feeling much better! I fought for the day, I did what I had to do, had my feelings about it, Andy called me on his way home and assure me my feelings and emotions were SO OKAY and the day got better.. today I did accept that that day was bigger than me, and it helped to know that.

      yep, I have never missed a session.. I show up and I show up for me.. I want to heal, learn, understand, and fight the fight I never had the chance to do as a child..

      thank you Gel..

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