there is no answer – and that’s okay!

I have asked myself many times this year “why?” “what is the reason?” – Why was this year filled with so many unexpected, unneeded, unnecessary trial of events that did not need to happen?

Why did so many chain of events happen that threw me right back into my past and hurt me so deeply?

Anne Lamotte writes in her new book:
There is relief in admitting that you have reached the place of the great unknown. This is where restoration can begin, because when you’re still in the state of trying to fix the unfixable, everything bad is engaged: the chatter of your mind, the tension of your physiology, all the trunks and wheel-on’s you carry from your past, it’s exhausting and crazy making” – Anne Lamotte “Help, Wow, Thanks”.

I spent my childhood not understanding why I was going through what I was going through, and to this day as the adult I am today, I still do not have an answer.  I don’t even have answers today as to why some hurt me, or why things happen the way they do, but I need to stop looking for why, and just continue to move forward in what I “DO” know.

I think I am finally beginning to understand that it’s not about figuring out why, it’s about learning to tap into your strength and wisdom to move through it. It’s about finding your worthiness of self to know you are worth fighting for.

This is a hard thing to realize and to accept, because I am a problem solver. I like to understand something, to figure it out, to understand it’s reason for being here and why is it hurting me?

Does knowing why really make it better? Does it take the pain away? does it take the memories away? does it change what happened? Does finding out the answer heal the damage it did? the answer to all of those questions is NO!

This was a hard year this year.. many chain of events happened that knocked me off my path of healing, and to this day I am still trying to figure out why, but the answer is not found in why, the healing is not found in why, it’s about how I got back on my path to healing, and how I am learning from it today.

God gives us a path – the path is already laid out for us, but the one thing God does not have control over is what happens on that path; it’s up to us to use the strength God gave us to make it through the obstacles that get thrown at us.

I think we tend to forget that even though there are obstacles, the path never changes, and God certainly never leaves our side. God cannot change the free will of others, but he can sure give you the strength to get back up on that path he laid out of us so that we can learn from it, grow on it, and become a better person because of it.

So as I sit here today looking back on all the wonders I have in “why” like – why did many things happen this year that did not need to happen? Why did those many things hurt and effect me so much on my path of healing? Why did my mom try and take her life? Why did I turn back to pain pills at the beginning of the year when things seemed too hard to handle? Why do people do what they do to hurt others?

The answer? There is no answer – but what I do know is the strength God gave me to overcome any obstacles since I was a child till now, and that strength in stopping the pain pills 6 months ago knowing there was no answer in numbing my feelings. To know that I have wonderful support who stands by my side in the “unknowing” and to accept what is right in front of me “support, love, care and connection”.

The path that God laid out for me has never changed, its where I find the strength to get back on it and move through it by accepting that healing is not always in “the answer” but found in the strength beyond the answer.

I have over-come a lot of things this year in the pain and hardness – I have learned more about myself and my past because of this hard year. I have grown closer to my support, to my therapist, to therapy, my friends and people who I lean on for support when not knowing the answer gets too tough for me.

I have learned to have patience and fight through the frustrations of wonder. I have learned to ask for things and accept that maybe it’s mine to have. I have learned to use my voice to speak how I feel and take risks that my voice DOES matter and that the truth will prevail – and knowing I am supported in that truth.

So although I don’t have the answers, I do have faith that the path laid out before me, is the right path, and I have many wonderful people who I have chosen to walk this path with me, even if we walk in never understanding why, at least I am not alone in that.

Anne Lamotte writes : “Air and light heals : they sometimes get into those dark and musty places like spiritual antibiotics. We don’t have to figure out how this all works, it’s enough to know it does

6 comments

  1. Karen, this is a great post, a post that is a side of you I have never seen, and I am in awe of this post today.

    I agree with you, sometimes the healing is not in the answer, but in the faith that you will have the strength to overcome all or anyone who crosses that path, or tries to wrong you.

    The most important thing to remember is, it’s not your fault, it’s others who sit in their badness, and it’s not up to you to make it right for them, it’s up to you to make it right for you, however that looks and feels for you it’s right.

    You have a lot of support that surrounds you, I know that by all the great posts you have written, and I would have to say that support is stronger than any answer could provide.

    Thank you for sharing Karen, this was beautiful

    Hanna

  2. Ohhhh, dear one, what a heartfelt post you shared here… and I love how you included the beloved Anne Lamott in your writing. I love her and I had heard she had a new book out. Maybe I’ll pick it up tomorrow. She is a writer I just sit and read, straight through, like so few others these days.

    Terry Tempest Williams wrote in “When Women Were Birds”, “In a voiced Community, we all flourish.” I am grateful to know you are learning and growing and speaking…

    I don’t know if I have encountered your posts before this one. I find it absolutely perfect to find your post immediately above mine in the sequence. Absolutely perfect.

  3. Very touching on many levels Karen. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself in this post. It sounds like you’ve covered a lot of territory this year. Maybe all the years of work you’ve been doing with your therapist previously has prepared you to deal with the hard stuff that came up this year. (?).

    Your words about not needing to understand ‘why’ stuff happens but instead focus on how you respond seems so wise. I’ve heard it said that the ability to tolerate paradox and the unknown is a pretty high level of development.

    I’ve been grappling with this theme lately too….letting go of the need to know or understand. That is a well worn groove. As if I can’t proceed unless I know why something…..is …. I have to admit that I only get glimpses of really letting go of that desire to know why. But when I do it is refreshing. It’s like realizing what i’m responsible for and that I let God take care of the rest of it.

    I think the reason I want to know why things happened as they did is kind of a survival urge….If I can make sense of it then I might be able to protect myself better in the future….I don’t mean this is a conscious thought…It’s just that part of the trauma is that it doesn’t make sense. It messed with my mind. The urge to understand ‘why’ is a desire for order and predictability. I think in order to relax in life I need some of that, some of the time anyway.

    I hope the coming year is more easeful for you. xxoo.

    1. Gel.. one of the things I love most about reading your comments is that, you always “get” it. and you do get it, it’s something I sense.

      Me and my therapist have been working VERY hard this year on moving past something that just doesn’t make sense – there is no answer, and he has said to me on many levels that he is asking a lot of me to trust the process and that sometimes being the one to “change” is the answer rather to wait for other people to change what they are doing to hurt me.

      That has been a hard lesson to learn this year. There is more to this story that I am not writing about in this blog that I would have to share with you sometime, but it pretty much runs parallel to my past.

      I think you may be right, all this hard work I did for almost 6 years got me to this point of being able to let go of the “knowing” and work with what is.. thank you for pointing that out and putting my mind that in focus, I will have to share that with my therapist today..

      thank you Gel… again always nice to read your thoughts.. you yourself are a good writer, would love to have you “guest post” someday on my blog :)

      Karen

  4. I’ve struggled with health problems – bad ones – since I was 14. Very often, no doctor – even at the venerated, world-renowned medical centers we’ve visited – can give an answer to my suffering. Living without a diagnosis for almost 10 years in my teens and early twenties nearly twisted my brain into a knot of oblivion and self-destruction. Now, in my 30’s, Christ has finally taught me that leaning on HIM IS the answer – not the lengthy Latin medical diagnosis, not the right pill or surgery or medical device. I picture myself the woman who crept through the crowd to touch the hem of Jesus’ garment, desperate for healing. And He turns, irate – “WHO touched my garment?” There I would be, telling Him I need an answer, a cure, a reason for all this ravaging of my body that makes no sense with at least half of the Scripture I fine-tooth comb for a reason or a why.

    But He is healing me – not my body, but my soul, my spirit. There is something about stepping out of the tension of the constant quest for a “why” that walks you straight into the freedom of Christ. Straight into the loving arms of the Savior who promises that SOMEDAY He will make it all right. Explain it all. It will all make sense, somehow, in light of the Cross.

    I loved your post and so thankful I found you through Lisa-Jo’s link-up. Subscribing right now!!

    Genevieve
    http://www.turquoisegates.com/2012/11/magic-mama.html

  5. Hi Karen
    My husband and I were contemplating the same thing this week when our country South Africa was experiencing another violent mine strike. The only answer I could come to for people doing these atrocities, was because we are all born as spiritual beings. We draw our life from either the sweet Holy Spirit of Love or the spirit of the enemy, Satan. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom when I was 3 years old due to illness and I still wonder what my life would have been if that did not happen. I read in Acts that even our Lord’s apostles had to come to the end of themselves before they truly learned not to trust themselves, but our Pappa God!! So we are in good company!
    Bless you and know that joy always come in the morning…also the morning after healing!
    Mia

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