the week ahead – staying grounded

tree-in-a-storm-tamara-leigh-jarvisI have a week ahead that is going to challenge me on all levels. I am a routined person, and I depend on that routine to keep me grounded and connected.

Being a child abuse survivor and living in that life as a child and into my teen years, I depend on schedule, and routine and knowing, and anything that is out of that sync, sets anxiety through me like you wouldn’t believe.

This week is completely different for me. My husband is having shoulder surgery this week, it’s not a major surgery, but its enough to just put me into anxiety about him going under.

I myself have Dr. appointments and a full body scan that I have to have done in a MRI machine and that in-itself is enough to send me into anxiety on top of finding out what is going on with me and what the plan is going forward.

Some of my therapy sessions are at different times this week and being a routine person its a challenge for my therapy sessions to be at a different time of the day, because that is where I ground myself the most. That is one the place I depend on being the same with no change.

I have a lot on my plate this week and sometimes when that happens, I tend to want to crawl inside of myself and just be still waiting for it to all pass over. I get quiet, let the weight seep in and make me silent…….

But that is not the person I am anymore. I am the person who faces the changes and connects to those around me to keep me grounded. I talk about my fears and anxieties. I lean in on my support when it feels too overwhelming.

A part of healing is facing those out of sync moments and knowing that just because the routine has changed, doesn’t mean the connection has changed.

I don’t like that I live in fear of change. I don’t like that I have to work so hard to not let anxiety and fears overcome me when things go out of sync.

It reminds me so much of being a child and keeping track of everything around me. My safety and comfort was knowing everything that was ahead of me and what was going on, it was my security and my way to survive. Today I still hold onto those things and when it goes out of sync, I am MISERABLE!

So, I decided this morning I was going to face it, write about it, prepare for it, share it, because I know I am not alone in this, especially with those who are survivors like me who depend on routine.

I told my therapist about my fears when we connected this weekend and no one understands the fear more than he does, and we are both working so hard for me to change that mind frame and to know that no matter where I am, I am connected and grounded.

This is the work I have done in the past 7 years .. its all about grounding yourself and trusting those roots even though they can shift a little.

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6 comments

  1. Dear Karen,
    Thank you for allowing me to journey with you, from the side lines. I love your ability to express yourself in words..I relate to ‘panic’, for myself as changes, only little differences to my ‘routine’, fills me with fear. I think I’m still very scared of ‘things out of place..’ You inspire me to try to become more flexible. Sending strength and caring, compassionate vibes and thoughts…lol
    Love Ziggy

    1. Hi Ziggy … thank you and its also nice to know that I am not alone. When we share that common fear with others, its just nice to know that we go along this path with others and for that I am blessed. That is why I write – to connect to others in the midst of healing.

      Thank you for stopping by … it means a lot to me :)

      I am so sorry you go through that as well.. its hard isn’t it?

      1. Hi there Karen,
        I think it is helpful to feel less alone. It is hard for me…trying to find a sense of ‘balance’ and even harder to remember that the past is over , and reminding my brain , that it’s SAFE!!!…lol
        Love Ziggy

  2. Karen that is a lot of change. I can totally relate to what you are saying here about being a person who depends on routine to feel grounded. That is me too and for exactly the same reasons. I also spent a lot of my childhood watching everyone and everything around me to anticipate how to stay safe. Mainly I’d try to be out of the way and to “behave” so as not to draw attention to me. I also felt more safe by knowing what was coming up and preparing for it.

    I do think there are some good things about being a routine based person. When you have nourishing routines then you don’t have to be constantly making decisions about what to do next. Sometimes constant decision making is draining.

    But I agree that when I get out of my routine and it’s stressful or scary that is also a handicap.

    One of the painful parts of this issue is sometimes people have seen me as over controlling of situations or being inflexible, when it’s really about this fear of change. Not that I want to dominate.

    I am learning to be gently gradual with pushing me edges on this topic but without taking away my safety. Routines help me so I don’t need to get rid of them….just gently stretch and at my own pace.

    It’s interesting because my husband is also a routine person but it’s not about staying safe for him. It’s just a natural flow of his lifestyle. When unexpected stuff comes up and disrupts his routine, he seems able to roll with it and it doesn’t freak him out like it does me.

    I hope your body scan goes better than you think. And all the other stuff that is not part of your usual routine.

      1. Which Painting? the butterfly on the left or the tree?

        Thank you for your response..and YES what you said is SO true:

        ” I also spent a lot of my childhood watching everyone and everything around me to anticipate how to stay safe”

        YES.. that is exactly what my life was about, always watching for other people’s energy and demeanor! its the only way to stay safe!

        thank you for your email as well… I am so glad I have close friends who understand how I feel sometimes.

        your a blessing

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