the power of voice

child sexual abuse picI am using this as my 5 minute friday word today which is {SMALL}

A Small Girl with a big voice!

I saw this photo today and it made all the hair on the back of my neck stand!

I got goose bumps on my arms, and even had a small tearsΒ – because I know what this photo represents, and I know what it means.

It brings me to the place where I truly believe the healing is NOT found in forgetting, but healing is found in remembering and giving that memory the power to be heard.

When I walked into therapy 6 1/2 years ago I thought that healing was about trying to find ways to forget the abuse I had endured. I thought my therapist was going to have this magic wand, or hypnotize me, or even have the magic powers to snap his fingers and my memory would be erased from the horrible abuse I went through as a child.

Okay – yes that was probably a childish thing to think – or maybe even an inner hope – but then there was also the logical side of me that knew deep inside that the healing was found in the voice, not the silence of the abuse.

This photo clearly shows the adult having the control, and today the control is found is giving voice to the very thing that was taken away – my voice – my emotions – my rights.

35 years I sat in silence to what happened to me, and there have been times I have said to my therapist “I wish I could wake up and have my mind erased of these images that trigger me” .. but in real, as much as I hate to admit this, when I feel the pain, and see the images, and talk about what is going on inside of me, I truly feel a shifting healing, and that is where the power is.

some-days are harder than others. Last week I went through a week of such deep depression over a trigger I had and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy, but because of that hard week, because of that deep place I was in, it brought me to an understanding of why, and what it was that needed to heal. I gave my sadness and pain voice, and using that voice I was heard, and when I was heard I was understood, and in that understanding was support, and in that support was someone who could help me see what I couldn’t see past all that pain I was feeling.

There have been times in therapy where I felt like there was this hue weight inside of me and my voice was cut off, and that wasn’t my fear of speaking, it was fear of the control that was over me for so long as a child. Being silenced as a child had so much power over me that when you try to break that silence, it’s unfamiliar and scary – even painful on many levels.

I created this blog over 3 years ago, and although it has had its up’s and downs, and I have been violated many times even in my place if healing, I still come back here when I need to heal, because healing is found in the voice – a voice I never had as a child when I needed to be heard the most.

I look around and I see all these wonderful blogs of people coming out about the abuse they endured as children;Β now adult survivors and I am honored and in awe of the power behind what voice gives.

Some people don’t even realize that when they use their voice, they are actually healing and there is power behind that.

I am back and forth working on my book “alone in the closet – my journey to heal from child sexual abuse” and even though it’s been hard to write the chapters of the book and sometimes I have had to put it down because it was too painful – I know in the end it will be healing not only for me, but for others as well.

I encourage people to talk about the abuse they went through, you are taking back the very thing that was taken from you as a child – YOUR VOICE – YOUR EMOTIONS – YOUR RIGHTS!… and for those who still struggle with it, trust that there is healing on the other side – I know, I am there right now healing the wounds that were put upon me, but taking back the control by using the very thing they “thought” they could take from me – to NO avail!

I am blessed to be a part of a community of people who can finally stand and connect with others, and this photo reminded me of just that.

 

15 comments

  1. Bravo!! I applaud your courage and I hear your strong voice. The photo is surely triggering…I could remember many disclosures from youths just looking at this photo and it saddened me. I could also relate to the control of an adult…as a child, myself; one does not forget; we often wish it could all go away perhaps with hypnosis but the path taken is different…the voice is what guides you to healing. The wound heals eventually and yes, you’ll see the scar…a reminder of a huge battle you won. Blessings,

    1. Thank You .. I think a lot of this courage from being in the place of hurting vs healing and knowing the difference between the two – i mean really looking at the contrast between the two and realizing the pain IS the healing and if I keep going using my voice, it will make those wounds only something to look at without as much pain :)

      Thank you for your comment :)

  2. You are much further ahead of me at healing what the abuse did to you. The gift you give to me, by sharing this part of your story, is it shows me that you can go through the really really hard stuff and it gets better. Rationally this makes sense to me but when I’m struggling I can’t see that it will ever get better. Also I can see by your example the importance of having trusted support and wise helper(s).

    That photo is really intense for me to look at. It makes me nauseous and I feel like gagging. It tricked me because at the very first glance I saw the hand in front of her mouth as her hand “shhh”….the way kids can sometimes playfully do that, Then a split second after I saw it was an adult mans hand/arm and it made me recoil with that gagging sensation. And now I feel sad for the girl in the photo. But thanks for the little wake up call.

    Your photos of you in the right column are nice. Nice to see them change.

    1. Gel ..

      I wasn’t sure if I was going to post that photo or not, but I took the risk because it’s the very reason the photo shakes us.. “THEIR CONTROL” .. and if we look at something and take control back of the very thing that was robbed from us, it gives us a sense of control as well – that is my hope.

      Don’t get me wrong, there are times I suffer in thinking “I can’t fight this fight anymore. I don’t know if I can keep doing this” .. but it does help that I have a therapist who walks closely with me through it and helps me to see all the things that I have over-come and learn.

      I have been doing this battle for 6 1/2 years now.. 6 1/2 years ago I walked into therapy and told my therapist “we will NOT talk about my father, he is my favorite person in the world, he is not a part of this therapy” .. well, it ended up being that my father was the one who hurt me the most emotionally…. I have come a long way, and it has taken me a long time to actually accept that and see that about myself.

      Thank you for your comment.. I hope the photo didn’t do to much to you

      Karen

  3. Karen, wow, I thank God that He’s given you a voice to share your story. My daughter was sexually molested by my uncle. It happened when she was little, but she held it in until just a few years ago, at the age of 19. I am thankful that she found the strength to tell, and that she has received healing. It was devastating to me and I’ve had to heal too. Keep sharing your story. I know that it will reach many and bring healing. Hugs!

    1. wow.. that is sad and even worse at times.. I dont know what I would do if my kids went through what I went through .. horrible .. it’s good that she talked about it though. thank you for sharing and coming to my blog :) good to see you

  4. That picture has volumes of words attached to it without saying ONE…
    wow. I am not sure how you found it or who it is in this picture but I want to just hug this little girl and tell her she is safe.

    1. Sharon .. I agree.. it was a risk to post it .. but it’s something the world is shy to, or something the world has a hard time facing .. that is why I took the risk to post and write about it :)

  5. Hi there Karen,
    I must confess, I read this post a few days ago and was lost for words. It did bring with it strong emotions. I love however the strength in posting it. It has inspired me and showed me, that speaking and to me in essence taking your power back are possible. I wanted to reach in and comfort that little girl. I don’t know how you are processing things, however I am learning to ‘talk’ and ‘be’ there, for the lost little girl I was, and stand by her. I find it hard ….it’s a long journey to healing, hope is there..Sending fluffy white clouds and multi-colored rainbows into your life….lol
    love Ziggy

  6. I have just read an older post on this blog – 18months ago – about sexual abuse, so I completely understand why this photo causes such a reaction. It disturbed a few of my own feelings.

    You are right; it is only through exploring and accepting our abuse that we can find true healing. It’s a long road and maybe one that we never complete. Peace comes from exploring.

    Karen, you are an inspiration!

    1. Cat! WOW you have no idea how much your responses mean to me.. I saw that you just commented on a lot of my blog post.. THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading my blog .. you have no idea how much you made my heart smile :) you made my day!

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