the love we accept

101427689243587caf_large1We accept the love we think we deserve

 

I think about this quote often, and every-time I read it, it makes so much sense on why I am the way that I am; why I shy away from other people wanting to love, support and care for me.

I have struggled with this most of my life. I have a hard time accepting anything from anyone without feeling this intense guilt inside – like I don’t deserve it.

I even struggle with this in therapy; which sometimes makes it a challenge to talk about things that would cause my therapist to reach out and empathize with me, support me and care for me. It holds me back sometimes in fully being open about what I am going through in fear that I am not worthy enough.

Through my childhood being abused, neglected, sexually abused, mentally abused – I thought that is what my life was. I thought that is what I deserved, that I was bad or not good enough for anything else but abuse. I was told that is what I deserved and those thoughts poisoned any self-worth I could have had for myself.

When I got married and had my 3 boys, giving love and affection was easy. There was no guilt or shame tied to loving others and giving my affection and care to my children. Kissing their wounds and hugging them at night made me feel like I was doing everything right; that I was giving them what I never had.

Receiving love and affection is different, and I am learning slowly how to accept that and also learning that the abuse from my past doesn’t define who I am.

I truly believe that we accept the love we think we deserve.

I often wonder what it would be like to walk into therapy at times and just SAY how I feel right then and there without feeling any guilt or shame, or being worried that my pain and feelings are too much for someone else to handle.

I wonder what healing would be like to fully accept the love and support, and to know what it is I really deserve.

Living like this can be exhausting! There are times I am actually jealous of my own care and love for others. I feel envious that those around me can accept and feel the goodness out of it, and I can’t find it for myself.

I feel sad when others will reach out to me and I have a hard time believing that I am cared about.I see it, I want it, but something inside doesn’t allow me to fully accept it.

I even have a hard time when my therapist reaches out to me over the weekend and asks me how I am doing, and all I am worried about is him taking time on his weekend to ask me how I am doing. What would life be like to just accept that, cherish it, hold it, connect to it and respond back saying “thank you, I am worthy of being asked how I am doing”.

What would life be like on the other side of this? I wonder how healing it would be to really feel the love and connection and to know that no matter how much I was abused as a child, it was never about my worth, but about their unworthiness of themselves to hurt another person.

maybe writing this will help me to see a little more that there is love out there for me, it’s right in front of me, I just need to find a way to accept it and feel worthy of itΒ  and see where it takes me … maybe.. see? it’s a process that is so hard.

6 comments

  1. Wow, “I wonder how healing it would be to really feel the love and connection and to know that no matter how much I was abused as a child, it was never about my worth, but about their unworthiness of themselves to hurt another person.”
    You really hit me with that line. I agree with a lot of what you wrote and its recognizable (& painful). I guess its a big part of why some abused children end up in abused relationships later on. :(
    Thanks for your insights on this!
    Take care :) !

    1. Hey There … and thank you. This is something I wonder about often. I wish I was normal and could accept all the things that are in front of me. Being a victim of abuse from my past robbed me of all those beautiful things that life has to offer and I wonder how I can accept it just like everyone else can… … thank you for stopping by my blog

  2. Thank you for sharing, maybe this awareness, will allow love and support to get to you. I know in my own healing, my T sometimes gets me think of my younger inner child, ‘can I treat her with compassion”, I’ve found this helpful to open myself to care and compassion. I wonder if you have ever, ‘ gone ‘ to the child inside just to ‘sit’ with her,…lol
    love Ziggy

    1. ZIGGY… wow you know, that is also something I struggle with. I know I have a younger child inside of me that needs love and care and maybe if I give that to her I can give that to myself and accept that for myself.. but what happens when there is denial about the young part? we are working on that in therapy.. you got me thinking … THANK YOU.. I have some thinking to do now, something to mention to my therapist … thank you for opening up something that may be tied together.

      ((HUGS))

  3. I can relate to lots of this.
    Good noticing on your part. I hope you continue to open to the love that trusted people want to give you. I remember what it feels like when I have some love to give to someone (with no strings attached) and when they receive it, it feels so good. It almost feels like a gift to me that they receive it. So I try to remember that when someone is giving towards me…that it would be a gift back to them if I can let it in.

    When I’ve had a hard time giving myself loving energy,
    I have found it helpful to imagine a dear friend (who is hurting in the same way I am) and ask myself how I’d like to give to her…then it usually is very easy to get in touch with that feeling of kind caring energy and then give it to myself.

    1. thank you Gel .. I guess its just been a struggle of mine for a long long time. it lays on the same lines as dependance and maybe there is something about that.. maybe by accepting I am afraid it will be dependent? … something to think about.

      Thank you for your comment. as always helpful and accepted :)

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