I think about this quote often, and every-time I read it, it makes so much sense on why I am the way that I am; why I shy away from other people wanting to love, support and care for me.
I have struggled with this most of my life. I have a hard time accepting anything from anyone without feeling this intense guilt inside – like I don’t deserve it.
I even struggle with this in therapy; which sometimes makes it a challenge to talk about things that would cause my therapist to reach out and empathize with me, support me and care for me. It holds me back sometimes in fully being open about what I am going through in fear that I am not worthy enough.
Through my childhood being abused, neglected, sexually abused, mentally abused – I thought that is what my life was. I thought that is what I deserved, that I was bad or not good enough for anything else but abuse. I was told that is what I deserved and those thoughts poisoned any self-worth I could have had for myself.
When I got married and had my 3 boys, giving love and affection was easy. There was no guilt or shame tied to loving others and giving my affection and care to my children. Kissing their wounds and hugging them at night made me feel like I was doing everything right; that I was giving them what I never had.
Receiving love and affection is different, and I am learning slowly how to accept that and also learning that the abuse from my past doesn’t define who I am.
I truly believe that we accept the love we think we deserve.
I often wonder what it would be like to walk into therapy at times and just SAY how I feel right then and there without feeling any guilt or shame, or being worried that my pain and feelings are too much for someone else to handle.
I wonder what healing would be like to fully accept the love and support, and to know what it is I really deserve.
Living like this can be exhausting! There are times I am actually jealous of my own care and love for others. I feel envious that those around me can accept and feel the goodness out of it, and I can’t find it for myself.
I feel sad when others will reach out to me and I have a hard time believing that I am cared about.I see it, I want it, but something inside doesn’t allow me to fully accept it.
I even have a hard time when my therapist reaches out to me over the weekend and asks me how I am doing, and all I am worried about is him taking time on his weekend to ask me how I am doing. What would life be like to just accept that, cherish it, hold it, connect to it and respond back saying “thank you, I am worthy of being asked how I am doing”.
What would life be like on the other side of this? I wonder how healing it would be to really feel the love and connection and to know that no matter how much I was abused as a child, it was never about my worth, but about their unworthiness of themselves to hurt another person.
maybe writing this will help me to see a little more that there is love out there for me, it’s right in front of me, I just need to find a way to accept it and feel worthy of it and see where it takes me … maybe.. see? it’s a process that is so hard.