the change within

download (1)
I have spent the past year, the past couple of months, the past couple of weeks being so angry, hurt and frustrated around something that that I let have power over me; but deep inside came to realize had no power over me – I just didn’t see it.

Today in session my therapist made me realize something and it changed me.

The power of his words changed me so much that I took a deep breath in of empowerment, held it for a few moments and then I let the breath out and it felt good!

It changed me so much that I realized I am the change, and I can’t change something that won’t, and I certainly can’t sit around trying to find answers to something that just. doesn’t. make. sense.

I dont know why this past year happened, I dont have the answers, I dont have the reason, I dont have the understanding, but what I do have is the power to heal and move forward. I have the power to change ME inside and move away from the hardness this year brought to me.

My therapist has cleared a safe path for me, and all I need to do is accept it. On that path is love, support, connection, and all the people who walk along side of me; the same people who walked along side of even with the cracks in the path.

I finally feel that this long year battle has come to an end, and it’s not because I found understanding, or a reason, or any answers, it’s because I choose to turn around and just accepted that I can’t change something or someone; but I can change me.

I have the choice to turn and walk away. I took a stand and stood up for myself and it stopped, and my therapist made me realize THAT is empowerment. My husband made me realze THAT is empowerment. My friends helped me to see THAT is empowerment – not the answers.

I don’t have to look for the understanding or the reasons why anymore. I don’t have to have the ansews, all I need to faith in myself, my truth, and knowing the clear path in front of me.

I have the ability to finally be free to writing in my blog the way I used to.

I love showing up to therapy knowing the path my therapist laid in front of me is safe and filled with connection and support.

I am surrounded by people who believe in me, have faith in me, and see the hardness this year has been for me and held out there arms for a hug and a hand for support.

I like knowing that even though I may never have the answers to why this happened; that maybe I made some kind of difference in fighting for myself vs the past when I sat in silence to my pain.

I look forward to bringing this blog in a new direction that is healing for ME and not around something I dont understand.

And  – I love sitting here knowing that today my therapist made a difference in something so huge, and made me see something I didn’t see past this hardness, and there is freedom in that – FINALLY.

9 comments

  1. There is nothing greater than empowerment over the things we don’t understand. I feel a change in your writing already – something is new – different – good.

    Thank you for sharing Karen

    1. Gracie

      I do feel different! I have gone through MANY MANY similar feelings this year of having to make a change when something else wont.. but session was just SO different today. My therapist REALLY made me realize some things and something about THIS CHANGE feels different.

      Thank you for supporting me girl…

  2. Karen – good for you! I know that you have been through many different changes this year! I know that you have had to find empowerment more than once, and sometimes it takes more than once to really get it!

    I am so glad that you and your therapist have found a way for your to turn and walk towards your healing and out of this year. GOOD for you – you know I am on your side, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

    Hanna

    1. Hanna! It’s funny because I talk about you in therapy when talking about the blog sometimes.. I just love you! thank you for sharing my healing with your clients as well, that means a lot to me.

      You know Hanna, like I was telling Gracie.. this time feels different! I have written about this ALL YEAR LONG! if you look back on my old blogs, I spent a good portion of this year talking about “what has happened this year” with this situation that happened at the beginning of the year.. but you know what? the healing is found in ME not in the answers. The healing is found in going FORWARD not going backwards in trying to figure out something that is SENSELESS!

      Andy always tells me “you can’t make sense of something senseless” .. “you can’t change something that wont change”.

      I have spent or better yet WASTED a year on trying to figure out why! where did it get me? well I do have to say it got me to stand up for myself, BUT honestly, it wasted a year of my healing sitting in the middle of this CRAZYMAKING! and I am done!

      I am not putting forth ANYMORE energy into something that is just so full of CRAZYMAKING .. it’s ABSURD and I am not putting forth one more ounce of my time into this..

      I have done what i needed to do.. I have made the blog with new blocks on it, my husband and I both agreed that we did what we can do. My therapist has done SO much and supported me SO MUCH through this and now thats all I can do is MOVE ON!

      I am glad that it seems to be over.. I am tired and I refuse to put forth anymore of my time and empowerment into something powerless! time to move on!

  3. Hi Karen

    I have recently gone through something tough, and it was hard to see the change to make myself when I knew it wasn’t what I had done. I so get it. Sometimes the healing is found in our own actions, more than others.

    * :) *

    1. Fres – thank you for stopping by my blog! I agree with you, change is hard! NO DOUBT! Time and time again I have found empowerment and then lost it. I felt BIG and then I got small!

      Today I got big and I am staying big :)

  4. Karen. I am so glad and happy for you. I love reading about your healing, I’m sorry this year has been difficult for you. Whatever it is, you will over-come. Keep writing and being, we all love ya

    R

  5. Gosh Karen,
    I don’t know what to say….but this bit that you wrote is really powerful for me:

    “… it’s not because I found understanding, or a reason, or any answers, it’s because I choose to turn around and just accepted that I can’t change something or someone; but I can change me”.

    I don’t cope very well with not understanding stuff….I can very obsessive and stuck in thinking and rethinking and rehashing over situations which don’t make sense and are about someone else.

    I have gotten glimpses that I have to focus on whatever it provokes IN ME that needs the attention. And it sounds like you also have had to learn to live the Serenity Prayer…which is the essence of what you are dealing with. I’m sure you know that prayer? Putting it into action is hard. But it’s so good to have that guide light.

    Blessings on your new beginning. I hope you get to have lots of space to celebrate and enjoy your new freedoms.

Please take a moment to comment! I love connecting with others!