that familiar place

Today I walked back into therapy after the Christmas Break we just had. It was a nice break, but I did find myself missing the place and space I spend quite a lot of time in.

The moment I walked in I was emotional. We gave each other a big hug, and I had tears! I missed him even though we stayed connected the whole time.

I missed his kind eyes and warm presence. I missed his wisdom and quirks – but most of all, I missed his way of giving me hope that the next step is always the right step, and the hope along my path.

I am a counter dependent person and have been my whole life. Counter dependent means refusing to become dependent on another person in fear of attachment. This time however, during this break, I allowed myself a little more space to miss and maybe even allow myself a little attachment (gulp).

In the 6 years working together I don’t think I ever had tears from missing my place of healing or my therapist.

My therapist said to me “I missed you too, I take you everywhere with me”. I didn’t even know what that meant. I said to him “what does that even mean? why would you miss me?”… and he explained and I understood, and the funny thing is, it didn’t sound dependent that he missed me, why do I struggle with it? Yeah Yeah I know, it’s because of the life I had as a child, but sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to be normal and have normal feelings without guilt.

When I was little my parents would always drop me off at a lady friends house for her to watch me while they would go out. Sometimes they would come the same night and pick me up, and other times I would end up spending the night because they were “too” busy to bother with me. Sometimes it would be 2 days before they came and got me and I would wait at the window for them. I learned at a very young age to put up boundaries and walls and to not become attached, because you never know when they will hurt you. I don’t expect, because expecting hurts, and becoming attached to someone is scary – for me anyways.

In therapy when there are breaks even though we always stay connected by emails and texts, there is always that small thin wall I put up to not allow myself to miss or become attached, but this break however it was different. I connected more, I also connected to everyone I spent the holidays with, and I allowed myself to miss a little.

Walking into therapy today was a good feeling because I didn’t hold onto my feelings, I expressed them and they were welcomed with a smile telling me “it’s okay to miss, it doesn’t mean dependency”, and I got it, I really got it.

My space of healing felt familiar and warm. We had a 2 hour session today and it was really nice reconnecting back into my world of healing; the place that holds my story, my hurts, my thoughts and my voice.

I feel like I walked back in right where I left off, even with my photo of the tree’s hanging on the wall. I was his last client before break he said and so we decided to leave the “tree photo” up on the wall during break, so when I walked in, it was just like I left it, and it was nice and felt welcoming, and I felt very comfortable talking about all that I was holding inside waiting to be let out.

This is a new year and I plan to use the hardness of last year and the goodness I feel now to move forward to new paths in my healing. I am looking forward to it, and I look forward to seeing where “allowing a little attachment” takes me. It’s so scary and BIG, but I have a feeling this is the next big step in my healing.

5 comments

  1. Karen~
    I so understand and experienced this very same thing today, as I walked back into my place of healing with Gretchen. It’s a weird thing for some people to hear you maybe share about it being a good to go back to therapy but I get it. It’s the place where we have finally allowed someone into our pain over time and found them trustworthy enough to walk such a sacred path with us. When I saw Gretchen today and she hugged me, I felt this sense of reassurance that hugs give me. “That regardless of what we face today, I’m with you in it.” I’m with ya, it felt really good to connect after having such a long break! So thankful you have Andy and I have Gretchen! Healing makes such a difference when you have someone “really in it and committed to walk with you on your path!” Who know’s Karen, maybe we will be someone’s Andy & Gretchen??!!

    1. Lauren… I am lucky that I have so many good friends around me who know a lot about my path to healing, and my therapy sessions. It’s not something I hide from anyone because I’m not ashamed, so for me when I write this blog they know what I go through in healing and the process which is nice because I never feel alone – that is why I can be so open on my blog, because I spent a lifetime keeping things quiet and to myself that finally I have the chance to really be open about my past, my healing and therapy. 6 years and so far it’s changed me SO MUCH!

      It was so nice being in that space today, we both agreed it was a great session and good talk. I have a feeling this year is going to be life changing.. not sure why yet, but it’s a feeling.

      Thank you Lauren and I am glad that you also felt a sense of goodness walking back into you space of healing today and I am glad that you have a great therapist..

      HUGS

      Karen

  2. Karen! Andy is absolutely right, there is nothing dependent in missing someone and having emotions about that, that is a healthy reaction! In fact, this is a huge open door! Do you realize how healthy and healing it is for you to allow yourself to step out of the “counter dependence” and allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to feel.

    I think this is great!

    I hope this is a great year for you, you so deserve it!

    Hanna

  3. All sounds so healthy and lovely. What a great way to start the new year. I have to admit I’m a bit envious of your wonderful connection with your therapist. What a gem. I’m glad that you have such a great person and a good fit for your healing journey.
    Love,
    Gel

    1. Thank you Gel.. I say this all the time, I am blessed everyday for God who put me in the same Path as Andy. I am lucky.. VERY lucky to have someone wisdom filled and someone who knows how to help me along the way!

      Thank you Gel . . . and thank you for stopping by my blog tonight .. as always you make me smile

      Karen

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