continue; making my way back

As I sit here writing, putting words to this blog, it feels weird as I haven’t written in so long – – but at the same time it feels familiar.

I took a backseat to my writing and many other things this past year, but the one thing I didn’t take a backseat to was my healing, and continuing to fight and put one foot in front of the other.

For the past year or so, I went through emotional and physical isolation, I pushed away my writing, I pushed away people who I was once close to, I pushed away things that really defined who I was.

I pushed away out of fear – – but what I have learned the most these past couple of months is, those things I pushed away and backed away from, never went away – that my writing, and those people who love and care for me are right here waiting as I continue to take steps forward and out.

My therapist and I have worked so incredibly hard this past year, and continue to work hard to help me put one foot in front of the other as I took, and continue to take steps out to find my way back – and for him and this journey I am so grateful. I am so grateful that he helped me find my steps, and even sat with me in the moments of still.

The one thing I have learned the most about myself in this past year is, no matter what steps I took whether it was steps back, to the side, steps paused out of fear, or even moments of sitting still,  I was always going forward even when I didn’t see it or feel it.

The funny thing about healing is, no matter how hard things get, you can move forward in the hard. You can move forward even in the pauses, you can even move forward when you take no steps at all. I have really come to understand that – which is what gave me the courage to write this blog today.

I have missed writing so much! I have missed connecting with others on this journey to healing. I have missed putting words to this blog and really connecting with those who also know what this journey is about for me, and for them. . . . . so that is why today – TODAY – I have decided to take another step and let the words be seen; let this journey be seen thru my writing and thru the steps forward.

Even as I sat here writing this blog, there were moments of pause, moments of not being sure if I wanted to continue to write to post it, even moments of deleting some words and putting them back – but all of those moments is what makes THIS step what it is.

I look forward to sharing thru my words what the healing process has been for me this past year, so I can connect with others and create more steps not only for me, but hopefully for others like I once did.

I am truly blessed for finding my way back to this blog and many others things that I isolated from.

There is this quote that I have really embraced as I have taken steps and that quote is

healing doesn’t completely eliminate a person’s pain. It removes the fear of entering into the pain

I have learned to enter “into” the fear and “into” the pain – – as a way to move out of it

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new blog look – a new path ahead

CreateANewPathImageIt has been about 5 years since I have redone the look of my blog. I feel my writing has suffered at a standstill, and my blog has suffered in that as well.

I am taking many big steps and many big changes in my healing, in my life, in my self and this change was one of the big steps in reclaiming back my voice, and my writing!

My writing, blog, and myself went through some hard trials a couple years ago which pulled me away from my blog and my writing out of fear. But what the past year has really shown me, and what I have come to realize is – my writing, my blog, and the people I connect to through my writing is [ . . . . ]

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writing for me

JPEG image-4DDD67A6E979-1When I first began my blog about 6 years ago, I was very hesitant about others seeing what I wanted to write about; what my deepest thoughts were.

So I started out the blog by talking about things that were easy, like – “how much I love my boys”, “Photos of the family” “every day little thoughts”, poems, quotes, just little things that people coule relate to.

As I began to feel the blog water out, I began writing from my heart! I began to write about the past and all the haunting stories that fill my soul even today.

I began telling people my story in how I am a “adult survivor of child sexual abuse” and how living with that every day effects me.

I Then began writing about my therapy and the healing process. I began writing about the truths of the every day struggles of healing, mixed in with a little bit of my faith.

But the one thing I noticed, was that my blog was responded to a lot when I wrote about faith, and family, and the every day things that others can relate to… but on the days I wrote about the struggles of my healing – there was silence – hardly any responses but just very few.

I felt alone, and thought “maybe my voice is too loud”.

I have written my thoughts out since I was as little as 5 years old. Putting my thoughts out there from the heart was how I healed, and today it still works the same way – when I write about my healing and the process of healing that I go through every day, it helps, it heals, it gives me voice to the dark.

I noticed that my writing has been few and in between lately. I am hesitant (for many other reasons from 3 years ago when I was watched closely by another around my therapy writing) but I am hesitant to really put my thoughts out there about my every day struggles and healing in fear I wont connect with anyone.

I began to write less and less, and I noticed the past couple of weeks this VOID in my heart … I want to write about EVERYTHING! I want to write about my healing process, I want to write about the truths and the struggles and even the good in the struggles and not fear it wont make a connection with others.

I know that when I write about the things that people tend to shy away from, there is less connection – but the thing is, how can people turn from truth? I can’t fake it, and I wont fill my blog with only smiles and rainbows and how much I love God!

Yes, I am a very faithful woman, I love God, love my faith, love my family, and I am all about writing about the good, but why shy away from the hard? Why shy away from writing about things that heal; even if it’s a hard road that got me there?

I spent a childhood being silenced to only talk about the good and never the hard or the bad, I don’t want to live that way again. I am tired of writing to please the connection and others out there, and when I do write about the hard and the healing, there are those who truly stand by me and get it, and that feels good!

A couple of weeks ago, I created a Facebook group called “Together We {BLOG} and I have met some wonderful people from all walks of life.. people who are faithful and love their faith, people who write for the love of writing, and yes even people who struggle and battle with struggles from the past and living life with trauma issues.

I began to read other people’s blogs and how free their writing is, and how much I miss writing about all the sides of me, not just the good and faithful, and how much I love my family and god .. I missed writing about the very things people shy away from.

It has taken me a long time to say “I am an adult survivor of Child Sexual Abuse” and I am not about to put that back into silence anytime soon.

I miss writing the way I used to write 3 years ago .. about all the things in my life, and yes the healing part – my every day healing process and the walks an steps I take in therapy, which is a huge part of my life.

I have decided this week that I am no longer going to silence myself from the things I fear doesn’t create a connection, because I look at it this way, if people can’t connect with all of me, all sides of me, the good and the struggles, then it’s not a connection to begin with.

The quote that came into mind this past week “When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen”

I look forward to opening my blog once again and not having the tension of what I should write about to be accepted in connection.. I will write from the heart, write for the truth, write about the things that are hard and good.. and most importantly I am going to write for ME!

Linking up with “Three Word Wednesday

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