continue; making my way back

As I sit here writing, putting words to this blog, it feels weird as I haven’t written in so long – – but at the same time it feels familiar.

I took a backseat to my writing and many other things this past year, but the one thing I didn’t take a backseat to was my healing, and continuing to fight and put one foot in front of the other.

For the past year or so, I went through emotional and physical isolation, I pushed away my writing, I pushed away people who I was once close to, I pushed away things that really defined who I was.

I pushed away out of fear – – but what I have learned the most these past couple of months is, those things I pushed away and backed away from, never went away – that my writing, and those people who love and care for me are right here waiting as I continue to take steps forward and out.

My therapist and I have worked so incredibly hard this past year, and continue to work hard to help me put one foot in front of the other as I took, and continue to take steps out to find my way back – and for him and this journey I am so grateful. I am so grateful that he helped me find my steps, and even sat with me in the moments of still.

The one thing I have learned the most about myself in this past year is, no matter what steps I took whether it was steps back, to the side, steps paused out of fear, or even moments of sitting still,  I was always going forward even when I didn’t see it or feel it.

The funny thing about healing is, no matter how hard things get, you can move forward in the hard. You can move forward even in the pauses, you can even move forward when you take no steps at all. I have really come to understand that – which is what gave me the courage to write this blog today.

I have missed writing so much! I have missed connecting with others on this journey to healing. I have missed putting words to this blog and really connecting with those who also know what this journey is about for me, and for them. . . . . so that is why today – TODAY – I have decided to take another step and let the words be seen; let this journey be seen thru my writing and thru the steps forward.

Even as I sat here writing this blog, there were moments of pause, moments of not being sure if I wanted to continue to write to post it, even moments of deleting some words and putting them back – but all of those moments is what makes THIS step what it is.

I look forward to sharing thru my words what the healing process has been for me this past year, so I can connect with others and create more steps not only for me, but hopefully for others like I once did.

I am truly blessed for finding my way back to this blog and many others things that I isolated from.

There is this quote that I have really embraced as I have taken steps and that quote is

healing doesn’t completely eliminate a person’s pain. It removes the fear of entering into the pain

I have learned to enter “into” the fear and “into” the pain – – as a way to move out of it

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new blog look – a new path ahead

CreateANewPathImageIt has been about 5 years since I have redone the look of my blog. I feel my writing has suffered at a standstill, and my blog has suffered in that as well.

I am taking many big steps and many big changes in my healing, in my life, in my self and this change was one of the big steps in reclaiming back my voice, and my writing!

My writing, blog, and myself went through some hard trials a couple years ago which pulled me away from my blog and my writing out of fear. But what the past year has really shown me, and what I have come to realize is – my writing, my blog, and the people I connect to through my writing is [ . . . . ]

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writing for me

JPEG image-4DDD67A6E979-1When I first began my blog about 6 years ago, I was very hesitant about others seeing what I wanted to write about; what my deepest thoughts were.

So I started out the blog by talking about things that were easy, like – “how much I love my boys”, “Photos of the family” “every day little thoughts”, poems, quotes, just little things that people coule relate to.

As I began to feel the blog water out, I began writing from my heart! I began to write about the past and all the haunting stories that fill my soul even today.

I began telling people my story in how I am a “adult survivor of child sexual abuse” and how living with that every day effects me.

I Then began writing about my therapy and the healing process. I began writing about the truths of the every day struggles of healing, mixed in with a little bit of my faith.

But the one thing I noticed, was that my blog was responded to a lot when I wrote about faith, and family, and the every day things that others can relate to… but on the days I wrote about the struggles of my healing – there was silence – hardly any responses but just very few.

I felt alone, and thought “maybe my voice is too loud”.

I have written my thoughts out since I was as little as 5 years old. Putting my thoughts out there from the heart was how I healed, and today it still works the same way – when I write about my healing and the process of healing that I go through every day, it helps, it heals, it gives me voice to the dark.

I noticed that my writing has been few and in between lately. I am hesitant (for many other reasons from 3 years ago when I was watched closely by another around my therapy writing) but I am hesitant to really put my thoughts out there about my every day struggles and healing in fear I wont connect with anyone.

I began to write less and less, and I noticed the past couple of weeks this VOID in my heart … I want to write about EVERYTHING! I want to write about my healing process, I want to write about the truths and the struggles and even the good in the struggles and not fear it wont make a connection with others.

I know that when I write about the things that people tend to shy away from, there is less connection – but the thing is, how can people turn from truth? I can’t fake it, and I wont fill my blog with only smiles and rainbows and how much I love God!

Yes, I am a very faithful woman, I love God, love my faith, love my family, and I am all about writing about the good, but why shy away from the hard? Why shy away from writing about things that heal; even if it’s a hard road that got me there?

I spent a childhood being silenced to only talk about the good and never the hard or the bad, I don’t want to live that way again. I am tired of writing to please the connection and others out there, and when I do write about the hard and the healing, there are those who truly stand by me and get it, and that feels good!

A couple of weeks ago, I created a Facebook group called “Together We {BLOG} and I have met some wonderful people from all walks of life.. people who are faithful and love their faith, people who write for the love of writing, and yes even people who struggle and battle with struggles from the past and living life with trauma issues.

I began to read other people’s blogs and how free their writing is, and how much I miss writing about all the sides of me, not just the good and faithful, and how much I love my family and god .. I missed writing about the very things people shy away from.

It has taken me a long time to say “I am an adult survivor of Child Sexual Abuse” and I am not about to put that back into silence anytime soon.

I miss writing the way I used to write 3 years ago .. about all the things in my life, and yes the healing part – my every day healing process and the walks an steps I take in therapy, which is a huge part of my life.

I have decided this week that I am no longer going to silence myself from the things I fear doesn’t create a connection, because I look at it this way, if people can’t connect with all of me, all sides of me, the good and the struggles, then it’s not a connection to begin with.

The quote that came into mind this past week “When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen”

I look forward to opening my blog once again and not having the tension of what I should write about to be accepted in connection.. I will write from the heart, write for the truth, write about the things that are hard and good.. and most importantly I am going to write for ME!

Linking up with “Three Word Wednesday

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a little bit of change

f0c1bd9e6f2b4225e7615f056c97eacbI am in the process of doing a little change to my blog! No I am not changing the look except I am going to switch around some of the photos in the ticker above. I am going to change a little of the way I write.

For the past 5 years that I have been writing this blog, I have focused most of my energy on my therapy and healing and writing mostly about my process of healing and my therapy sessions.

Although I love to write about my process of healing, I also feel I am missing out on writing a lot of my everyday thoughts, feelings and processes.

I am a thinker! I love to think, I love to write about my thoughts, and I love to share moments that mean a lot of me other than just healing.

I am going to write about my health, my new routines in my physical health and working out. I am going to share more about my family and how they are incorporated into my healing. I am going to write about book reviews or quotes that I love and see during that day that touch me not only in my healing process, but outside my life.

I think pinpointing my writing to one subject for 5 years leaves me hanging in all my other thoughts I would love to write about.

YES I will still write about my process of healing in therapy because therapy is a huge part of my life, I still work hard 3-4 days a week in therapy while I am going through a very rough time in the physical health and emotional health, but I also want to invite others things in my writing.

I hope you all will love the changes. I plan to add more resources on my blog for others things as well. I am excited about this, because I feel sometimes I hit the cap of what I write about and I am left with all these other thoughts inside that I am itching to write about. This gives me an open canvas and that excites me!

I think my therapist Andy really inspired me open myself up more to let myself be seen all around and not just the things I struggle with. I am a hard worker, but I also have a lighter side to me as well and I would love to share that – just as I am sharing that in therapy now.

I am a lover of quotes and I would love to share more quotes photos I love and to share what my thoughts are on those quotes.

Of course having an open canvas may open me up to write more, so I may be writing everyday and that also makes me excited as I miss writing very much.

SO be on the lookout for some changes and I hope you enjoy all of me and my writing.

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comfort in the familiar

imagesSometimes you need to step back into the familiar to step forward into the unfamiliar. Sometimes you need to find comfort in the old things to have confidence stepping into new things.

My blog theme is back to the one I had when I first started this blog 3 years ago, and I love its simplicity, style and grace. It makes me feel connected back to why I fell in love with writing on this blog and connecting with others.

When I changed the address and the name of my blog last week to “Finding The Grace Within” I was happy but something was missing and it felt empty and sad.

I found myself not wanting to write new blog posts since I moved it, and that made me sad. I even found myself not wanting to share my blog posts in therapy.

Tonight as I sat with it longer I realized what it was, I missed the old simplicity of my old blog from the very beginning and how much it made it feel like home to me – so I put up the old theme and I love it and I feel back at home in this comfort.

I think sometimes when we make so many changes and movements forward, we tend to feel a little lost in the newness, and for me that was found in my blog this weekend. I made a new name, a new address but something was missing, and that was comfort.

So I no longer have the neat photo animation that my other blog had, and it doesn’t have all the gadgets of cool graphics, but its simple and it reminds me of what the blog used to be for me when I felt safe and loved to write before last year happened.

AS I was setting the older look back up I felt a comfort, safety, grace and connection to it. it reminds me of where I am in healing right now, and maybe a part of healing is found in leaning back into the things that make us comfortable while still moving forward.

It’s been a long time since I have enjoyed writing in my blog again, and changing the look was just what I needed this weekend. it reminds me of how it used to be and where I began in using my voice to heal, and it also reminds me of the movements I am making forward as well.

Me and my therapist talked about this very thing in therapy Friday. We talked about how sometimes when we get so clustered in working on something hard, we tend to lose sight of the very things that were so great in the hard work and how much that defined what our work is together.

We both talked about how we should bring some of that old familiar back into the therapy room, and how that would help by leaning back on the old and move forward in the new.

I work so hard in therapy and in my everyday life that sometimes its nice to lean on the familiar. it just centers me sometimes and reminds me of where I was, where I am, and where I want to be.

Almost like an old comfortable blanket you love – it feels like the same thing.

I am sure for some of you this theme of the blog will look very familiar, and to some it will be new, but either way I hope you all like it’s simplicity and grace.

I look forward to writing again, it’s been a long time since I have been able to say that.

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the love that surrounds me

SurroundedbyLovegoddesssmallcopyrigI dont even have words to describe the awe and gratitude I have for those who surround me and those who are a part of my life today.

I have had a very tough 3 days emotionally. I didn’t know why, or even how I was going to move out of it (as I have never ever felt anything like this before in my life).

I have had hard times before, and I have felt depressed on and off like situational depression to certain situations, but it was nothing like these past 3-4 days have been – this was hard stuff.

Tonight as I sit here, I feel warm and loved. I feel relieved that my therapist and I sat with this hardness today and came to an understanding of where it came from.

I sit here tonight and I am blessed that all day today I got texts and facebook messages from those close to me asking me how I was, and giving me hugs, prayers and good wishes – ALL of which were answered for me.

For the past 72 hours – since last Friday night I started to become VERY depressed. Tears and sobs found me to a point it was almost uncontrollable, and I didn’t understand it.

Each day it progressively got worse, and today in therapy session with my therapist was the worst; even to the point of my therapist having tears because he felt so badly that I was feeling so sad and withdrawn – and then it hit us both why.

I feel better tonight because I understand where it came from, and I was surrounded by LOVE, CARE, SUPPORT, COMFORT, understanding! I am blessed and dont even have the words to express how better I feel understanding the depth of where this came from.

I started to write my book last week and sent my editor 2 chapters of the book. One was called “The Closet” the other was called “Motherless” and Friday night I sent “The Closet” and Saturday night I sent “Motherless”. They were heart wrenching to write, but never did I think it would hit me so hard inside to the point of feeling every bit of those emotions like I have never felt them before.

I have talked about the abuse in my life before, but right now it feels so different because I am at a new level of my healing. I am feeling with no walls and no covers. I am here, I am healing, and I am also FEELING every bit of it. Which is SO new for me.

Almost like needing training wheels for emotions, I dont know how to be with emotions this big.

Today in session my therapist and I sat together and he held my hand, and then gave me a hug as I cried and cried and we figured out where the depth of this was coming from – it was coming from the chapters of the book that I NEVER EVER allowed myself to feel before with no walls.

Writing those chapters hit something deep inside of me that I never wanted to truly see with my eyes as wide open as they are now. I talk about “healing” a lot, but rarely do I write about the abuse, and when I wrote those chapters, it set off something inside and my therapist told me that all those very HARD RAW emotions that were sitting way deep inside came out and it hit me.

I have spent a lifetime hiding my emotions behind walls and only letting little bits and pieces out, but these emotions came ROARING to the forefront and I felt every bit of it. I dont know what it’s like to feel TRUE pain of emotions because I spent my whole life putting pieces of them behind walls.

I have now felt them to it’s fullest.

I think I cried more in the past 3 days than I have my whole life and that is no lie – to the point it made my therapist have tears and I found myself hugging HIM – it was THAT hard.

My therapist helped me to see that sometimes when we really touch something that we have kept inside for so long that we finally allow ourselves to feel, it hurts and it hurts so badly. It’s like DETOXING emotions – snot, tears, water, pain, GUNK, EVERYTHING deep inside coming out from inside – almost like a virus that needs to find it’s way out.

I was grieving and that is what happened in the past 3 -4 days. I was grieving for the parts of my story I was writing and it hurt.

I read a quote and it reads ” When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it’s healed

I am not ready to write the book yet – there are wounds that still need healing before I can face this book head on. It’s not healthy to re-traumatize myself writing this book, this book is supposed to be written from the empowerment – not re-traumatized pain.

I have wounds still open and healing and I need to work more with this. I spent so much time writing and talking about healing that I dont spend time talking about the pain without walls.

My therapist and I both took a deep breath in relief over the phone a little while ago after a hard hard session. I am so blessed for him, he is such a wonderful therapist and I am so glad he was by my side every bit of the way this week.

I am so blessed for my husband who truly helped me and was there for me, and all the people who I shared this with.

I am putting the book aside until I can work with the wounds that are here. My editor is more than willing to wait as long as he has to, he wants to see this book take it’s stand. INSTEAD I am turning my blog into a memori book to be sold as a part of the journey to healing and I will share that with you in time as I plan it out more.

My therapist and I have decided to work more with what is going on deep inside; to work with the emotions that are now out from behind the wall, this is important and its a crucial part of my healing – this is where the GOOD healing happens.

I will know when I am ready – one step at a time. IT WILL Happen, it will just take a little more time than I hoped for.

I am relieved tonight to know what happened and how much love and support surrounded me around this. GOD is so good to me to put wonderful people in my life when I need them most.

The healing journey continues . . . . . and so doesn’t my writing

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