the powering in just being

I have spent a lifetime hiding behind “true emotions” and putting up walls of okay-ness. I have spent more time in my life putting on a fake front and swallowing the true emotions of how I really feel just to protect others around me. I ask myself – What am I protecting them from? that is a good question, I don’t know, I only know that however I am feeling needs to be put away because I need to be strong and how I really feel doesn’t matter. or so I thought … This past weekend I have come to accept and realize that it’s more work to hide my feelings and put up a front, than it is just to BE however I am feeling and let it be known by those around me. I have found myself crying on a whim this weekend and I was confused as to why, but after reading a very insightful and supportive email from my therapist tonight, I know why –  I’m allowing myself to BE and that is painful, yet healing! My therapist […]

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thoughts before bed . . .

One of my favorite things to do before bed is to pick a prayer from the bible and find meaning in it that pertains to my healing, and how I can grow and move through it with more strength. Tonight, as I snuggled up in bed under the blankets, I picked up the “gather book” that I got from the church. I read from Psalms which has always been my favorite of all readings in the bible, and what I read tonight was: PSALMS 16:11 – You will show me the path to life. Fullness of joys in your presence, the delights at your right hand forever. My therapist connected with me later this afternoon/evening and we talked about what it would look like tomorrow to tear down the walls in the very moment, connect, and talk with no reservation. What path do I want for me, and how do I go about accepting those around me to make that happen? I smiled, and it felt like an invitation to another part of my healing. When I cried earlier this morning in […]

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“you can talk about anything”

“You can talk about anything”. Those 5 words are the words that my therapist reminds me of almost on a daily basis – through connection and support. I have come to love those 5 words! I have come to accept those 5 words, I sometimes look forward to those 5 words, and better yet, I have learned to trust those 5 words. When I hear those 5 words it gives me an opening to freedom I never had. I was silenced as a child, I never thought I could open up about what was going on inside, or to talk about what was going on with me. I spent my whole life with the message inside “don’t tell” or “you can’t talk about any of this” – Of course those words “you can talk about anything” were foreign to me. My therapist would say it over and over, but those words hit a wall and bounced back to him. The wall was so strong that it was hard to believe those words without a fight to get there. Earlier years in […]

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the walls that once provided . . .

When I am dealing with too much than I can handle, I turn to old habits like building walls; emotional walls, like electric fences and barbwire’s! Those walls served a great purpose in the past. It kept people out, and kept me from leaning in. It kept people at bay from me, and kept my emotions caved in. It provided me a soft cusion, and kept me safe. It pushed even the good people away; while I survived it alone, day after day! The walls were the only thing I had my whole life. Years of therapy has helped me take down all those walls! Many many walls have been taken down, and sometimes it can be scary. I have now learned to think before building walls. My therapist always tells me “lean in” “reach out”, “connect” “you have support”. I have learned to turn to those things before building walls, but not without work and a lot of trust. When things become too much inside like it has in the past couple of weeks; like things being thrown at me left and […]

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the courage to ask

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this or not. However, I have always said, “this blog is about healing, and it’s about truth; It’s about my journey going forward”. Every entry I post is one step closer to my true self. Everyday I try and remind myself that every truth spoken, is another foothold to the next. So with that being said – I faced a difficult question that has been pressing me for a very very long time. A question that I have been utterly afraid to ask and talk about; and know the answer to. Saturday night my sister and I had a long talk on the phone (like I mentioned in my last blog entry yesterday). She called me at 12:30am, and just wanted to talk. I don’t know if that was Gods work, or if it was meant to be or not, but for some reason it landed in place as being the right moment. My walls are down, I am not protecting anymore, I have shed the shame, and I am […]

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