feelings of anger

love-quotes-026I had big anger in session yesterday!

I didn’t plan it, I didn’t really see it coming, but then again anger has been at the surface for a while now; it was just a matter of time before it found it’s way out to be heard, seen and felt.

When I think of anger I think about holding onto a rope with a beast of some kind at the other end pulling and dragging me and not being able to get control of the rope.

Anger is something I struggle with. I avoid it, swallow it, and find every way possible to move away from it. Anger is a hard emotion for me to feel, accept or even talk about.

I am angry, and I have a right to be.

I woke up yesterday morning and thought about this past year and how hard it was for me, and the moment I allowed myself to go to that place of anger thinking about the past year, my ears got hot, my insides were flushed, and I began to talk words inside my head – and well, lets just say it wasn’t very nice or christian like.

I have spoken often about what I have been through in the past year. Yes I have found ways of letting go, I have found ways of moving away from it, and towards myself and this wonderful path I have in front of me – but I have never allowed myself to really feel and be with anger about it.

A part of me feels that if I feel or talk about the anger it means I am not letting it go; that I am allowing myself to be stuck – but somehow yesterday I felt maybe that wasn’t the case, maybe feeling the anger and talking about it gives me more movement going forward. Maybe allowing myself to write about anger in my blog helps to give an outlet to the anger. Maybe speaking about the anger gives me more empowerment and not dis-empowerment.

I am angry! I am angry because I have gone through a hard year that was totally unfair and inexplicable unnecessary.

I am angry because in this past year of hardness it caused me to go so far off my path that it was incredibly hard to find that path back.

I am angry because simply “this did not need to happen”. I was a woman going about my healing, working hard, minding my own business and someone came and ripped that from under-neath me – no reason  – not even a good excuse.

I am angry that just because I am who I am, and have what I have, I was punished by triggers and feelings of fear by someone else’s insecurities put on me – which baffles me because, I dont know who in the hell would want my life. Live a day of my life in 2 O’Clock and I guarantee you will be scratching your way out begging for yourself and your own life back.

I am angry that I am still working through the many things that this caused to surface from my past through the triggers and fears.

I am angry that a year of my healing was derailed and had to crawl, kick, cry and suffer to find my way back up.

What I have come to recently accept is  – just because the situaiton has stopped, doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t have big feelings about it.

Years ago I would have swallowed it and let it go, but today I am (very very slowly) learning, these are my feelings, and I have the right to feel them with no guilt or shame.

My support reminds me everyday “You have a right to feel the way you feel“, and somewhere inside I know that – but I struggle a little with it because I have always been the person of reason. I have always been the type of person that doesn’t allow myself to stay in that place for the sake of feeling the anger or emotions around it.

As a child, I learned whatever emotion I was feeling, “you get RID of it and get rid of it NOW!! Stand straight, sit up and suck it up! smile and move on.

Yesterday in session I showed anger, and felt anger.

My therapist wasn’t afraid of my anger, he wasn’t scared or judged me, in fact he helped me get to some of that deep anger yesterday. He walked along side of me in the anger, even held the pillow as I wrestled with the anger and allowed me to be with no judgement. He gave me safety in my anger; reminding me that what I feel is right and true.

But what I also know is this:

I know that I will never have the answers to why this past year happened or why I went through what I went through.

I dont have the meaning or reason behind the crazy making behind it. There is no making sense of something that doesn’t make sense.

What I do know is what I can do about it, and I am doing just that.

I am moving on towards me and the path my support has laid out in front of me with open arms.

I have a soft place to land that is safe and surrounded by connection and support.

What I do know is, I am on the other side of this; working towards me and only me by not trying to find answers in something that will never have a justifiable answer.

I know that somewhere God has put a message in this hard year that needs gentle attention, healing, and knowing.

I am relieved that this situation has come to an end and that I can breathe a little better knowing I can finally move forward from this.

I know there is continued work around what has been surfaced because of this, but I also know I have support in that.

A year ago at this time I was the in the middle of what was going to be a hard long year, and today I have the choice to move out of it, and I have, and I did.

The empowerment in this is – what I know is a lot more vs. what I dont know.

one of my favorite quotes is this :

“Time Heals what Reason Cannot”
– Roman Philosopher Seneca

There is so much truth in that statement, and a part of that time is allowing myself the anger and sadness that this past year brought me.

You know, maybe some people can wash their hands of it and move on for the sake of moving on – but I choose to move on and allow myself to feel as I should, because feeling is a part of that movement forward.

I spent a lifetime “moving on for the sake of moving on” not being able to own one bit of my emotions, and that led me to endless pain and suffering – and even isolation as a child .. I won’t do that to myself today.

So it doesn’t mean I haven’t moved on, it simply means I am moving forward – towards me  – something worth way more than what the year has brought onto me.

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healing takes time

0814615236When I walked into therapy almost 6 years ago, never did I think it would be years and years of work and that I would be in this place 6 years later.

I thought I would walk into this mystery place of healing, talk about my story, find out what was wrong with me, find a way to heal and away I go into the world where I came from – with just a little less walls and pain.

Here I am, 6 years later and I am discovering more and more about how deep my wounds were or still are. I am still breaking down walls I never knew I had. I had walls around walls and I didn’t even realize how thick they were, or how much pain was behind them.

When I began therapy I was SO afraid I would become dependent of the process and in the process. I was frantic of becoming dependent on my therapist or the process of therapy. I grew up taking care of me, and I was too afraid to allow someone else into my little safe world.

I remember a couple of weeks into therapy and saying to my therapist “the day I become dependent on you is the day I will never show up again“. We laugh about that all the time. I remember my therapist standing there with this smile on his face, and then the smile going away when he realized I wasn’t joking; I was truly fearful of becoming dependent.

“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.” – Rachel Naomi Remen

As I sit here coming up on the 6th year anniversary of walking into my place of healing – I am proud of the process I have taken. I am proud that I am still here and allowing myself to accept this process of healing. I am proud that I show up many times a week because that is honoring me.

This is not about showing up for my therapist, for my husband, for my friends, or even for God, this is for me and the chance to go give myself life; the life I never had in being able to open up my wounds and let them be seen to heal.

I work hard in healing. My therapist and I work very hard together, and there is no longer that shame that covers me.

I have come to a place that I believe I deserve this. I suffered so much pain as a child, and this is my time to heal – no matter how long the process, no matter how many times I walk into therapy a week, no matter how many times I connect with my support, no matter how many emails I may write to those I reach out to – a part of me finally feels that I deserve it, and it took me a long time to say those words, or to accept it inside.

I dont depend on the process, it depends on me! it needs me to be there in order to heal, and I am here.

I dont think about when therapy will end,  I don’t think about the healing process time frame. I don’t think about those things at all – I think about taking a step each day and what that step looks like.

I have never quit once, or walked away from this wonderful gift God has given me. Have I been challenged? heck yes!  Have I wanted to quit at times because of how hard it was,  well maybe once or twice.. but I am no quitter and I will continue to walk this path that was given to me.

Whether I am in therapy for another 6 years, or 2 years or 1 year – it’s a process of time and healing and I will take that time for me, and only God knows when I am ready, and when I am ready, he will lead me to the path he has set out for me – but right now this is my path and I am walking it.

During this process of healing I am also taking steps in the big ole world along side of it. I don’t only live to heal, I heal to live. I am out in the big world using what I work hard through in therapy and apply it to every little step I take each day.

This past year has been incredibly hard on me, and the healing process has been derailed from time to time; taking me off the path I was on – but in that hard process of this past year came many walls that I never knew I had. I may have been derailed, but I have always been on the path to healing.

So as I sit here today writing, thinking of my soon 6 year milestone in my healing process, I am smiling! I am so proud to be on this journey of healing. I am so lucky to have a wonderful place that feels safe again. I am so lucky to have a great therapist who taught me so much about not seeing connection, love and support as a dependency – but rather something I deserved for me.

How much time it takes isn’t the question – it’s about what I am learning along the way and accepting that “this is my time to heal, it’s my time to live”.

So the next time your wondering “how long will this healing take?”.. don’t think about “when” think about “what you are doing for yourself”, and let the healing continue.

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the grace in letting go

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It’s not easy to let go of something; especially when I feel so strongly about my convictions!

It took me years of therapy and a lot of work to learn how to stand to something that is right and true when I have been wronged or hurt.

I never knew how to stand up for my rights, or to anyone in my life before. I never knew how to allow myself anger when I felt anger. I never knew how to allow myself emotions when something has hurt me- and I did!

Learning how to own all of these things is just as hard as letting it go. It’s learning that it’s not a step back, it’s a step forward.

Learning how to let go of something once we grab a hold of it is extremely hard, because we want so much to keep standing in that empowerment – but there is a time to when you have to let go in the truth you stand by and let that be enough.

Today in session I allowed myself to let go of something and realized how much room it made for something else. When I allowed myself to let go of what has been holding me down for a year, there was something beautiful on the other side –  a path in front of me, and a hand to hold, and ears to hear.

My therapist said “lets go! lets go down the path together, all you have to do is accept” .. and I realized in order to take his hand and go down the path that is made for me and my healing – I needed to let go of what’s been sitting me down.

It took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go”

My therapist and I took a small walk on that new path today, and I found how more open I was to hear, feel, and be. I found myself having tears that came out of nowhere and for the first time in almost a year, the tears were around understanding and meaning vs something that just didn’t make sense.

Just as hard as it was to learn to own my feelings, it was just as hard to know when to let go of the things that need letting go of. When you have done all you can do and you are standing in that truth, sometimes you just have to let that be enough.

Let it be enough that you have people who support you and love you. Let it be enough that the things that don’t have an answer – don’t need an answer, it just needs letting go. Once I was able to see that, it became clearer, I became open, and even felt lighter in my self.

I have also learned that letting go doesn’t mean you have given up, it doesn’t mean it holds any less meaning, or change any of the truth – it just means that that it’s enough to be where you are, an to let it go – and I have.

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”  Ann Landers

So today I took a path not into the unknown, but a path to what I do know; a path I have always known and been on – but I just got a little lost for a while.

I came home from session today, kicked off my shoes, threw my hair up, put on some jeans and a sweater and plopped myself on the couch and decided that in this letting go, there is also time for me. I have sat here now for 3 hours doing nothing but allowing myself to be open for new things (even giving myself time when I need time to just be).

I am so grateful that my therapist held out his hand today and said “lets just GO, lets go down the path” .. I just needed to accept it – and I did!

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I am choosing {what I know}

I felt strong in session today as I stood and sat with my therapist honoring my anger. I was reminded today that my anger is right, and belongs to where it belongs, and not with me.

Part of working in therapy has been about building that strong foundation to stand on. A foundation where I can have all those emotions and still be strong enough to stand.

I have been going through a particular hard time with a certain situation and I realized today that, when dirt is thrown at you, and you feel that you are about to throw dirt back in your anger – you will lose your own ground.

I realized today that the dirt being thrown at me, only serves my foundation to be stronger. I am sitting here building my foundation – the more dirt that is thrown and I am challenged, mine gets stronger.

In my anger, of course you want to pick up the dirt and throw it right back, but I am taking from my foundation; that foundation that serves a purpose in my healing.

I am not about to take from my ground.. my ground is solid and strong, not weak and crumbled.

This is a hard thing I am going through right now. When you feel like you have been wronged, it’s hard to not take that dirt and throw it right back.. but the empowerment is knowing what to do that with that dirt being thrown at you, not throwing it back.

I was in the tension between picking up that dirt, getting ready to throw it back with hopes there were rocks in there as well – but that is not me. I am the type of person that will look at the dirt thrown at me, observe it, see all sides to it, and then I put it down and move through it.

What I realized today? I am only making my foundation stronger by keeping that which is thrown at me, and applying it to my strength! The other person is losing their ground – I on the other hand am becoming empowered.

Today while I stood there with my therapist, I realized to choose what I know, I choose what I know over anger thrown back.

What I know today is that, I have the most amazing support in my life. support that helps me move through these hard moment. What I know is that I have a strong foundation that holds me and all my emotions. What I know is that I am a good writer, and my writing heals, and helps not only me, but others. What I know is, I am stronger than this, I have a powerful foundation.

What I know is, all the reasons stated in my blog yesterday {inside the 4 walls of therapy}.

What I know is what I trust. God will never abandon me. What is know is that I am loved, supported and cared for by my therapist, my friends, my family, god, the people of my church.

What I know is, I will not throw dirt back, I will take it, I will throw it down to the ground, I will push it into my already firm foundation and use it as more leverage in my healing!

It will take some work, but I can move through this – and what I have also learned is that, when I am hurt by someone, I come back 10 times stronger, even when it hurts.

“When you throw dirt, you lose ground” –  I will wash my hands of those not worthy of getting my hands dirty for ♥

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“you can talk about anything”

“You can talk about anything”. Those 5 words are the words that my therapist reminds me of almost on a daily basis – through connection and support.

I have come to love those 5 words! I have come to accept those 5 words, I sometimes look forward to those 5 words, and better yet, I have learned to trust those 5 words.

When I hear those 5 words it gives me an opening to freedom I never had.

I was silenced as a child, I never thought I could open up about what was going on inside, or to talk about what was going on with me.

I spent my whole life with the message inside “don’t tell” or “you can’t talk about any of this” – Of course those words “you can talk about anything” were foreign to me.

My therapist would say it over and over, but those words hit a wall and bounced back to him. The wall was so strong that it was hard to believe those words without a fight to get there.

Earlier years in therapy those words “you can talk about anything” were just words with no meaning. I would speak the words of what was inside, but it was an action, not something I felt I could have or own as something that was mine.

One day, about a month ago before leaving session I finally got it, and accepted it! I turned around before leaving and said “I can talk to you about anything right?” I don’t think I ever saw a smile on his face as I did that day. It clicked, I got it, and better yet, wanted it.

Yes 5 years of therapy and you would think I got the message. I would talk, but not without a fight! I would talk about my past, but not without going through this chain of events called “anxiety”, or like we called it “the weight of silence”.

I would talk in therapy, but never thought I deserved to talk. I always felt as if I was doing something “bad” or “wrong” and it was gut wrenching to move through it.

Today, I finally get it! I know I can talk about anything! I know when I walk through those doors, and sit in my space, those 5 words apply – “You can talk about anything”.

I get chills now when I say it. It’s an open invitation to let out whatever it is I am holding. I don’t have to hold onto anything anymore.

I won’t lie, even knowing those 5 words still comes with it consequences and risks, and it’s painful at times, but I know it’s mine and I know I am fully supported in those words.

I know when I sit next to my therapist and open up, no matter how hard, painful, easy, joyful, heart wrenching or funny with laughter – a hand is there, compassion is there, an ear is there, wisdom is there, and hearing the words “ITS OK”.. and “You can talk about anything” is there.

I think back to my childhood and realize how isolated I really was. I held EVERYTHING inside! Everything is a lot for anyone to hold. Hearing those 5 words are the medicine to my soul!

Hearing those 5 words is like a “cup of self-love”. I am giving myself the self-love every time I honor those 5 words.

I have used those 5 words not only in therapy, but also to the people I am surrounded with. I know I can go to my priest or deacon and talk about anything. I know that I have friends who I hold close that I can just text or pick up the phone and say what I need to say. I am more open with my children and even GOD!

Other words that are followed by those words are “we will work it out” and “we will do what we do best, talk about it“.

Even writing those words it’s comforting! I have never had these options in my life before – it feels good and painful at the same time, but it’s always followed by some kind of relief; to not hold all that is inside.

When I need to reach out for connection, I hear and say to myself “you can talk about anything”… and it helps me to reach out when I need to. Sometimes I have to say the words a couple of times to remind myself of what is there for me – connection is there, I am worth it.

Today I needed to hear those words, and I did. I feel connected and I know that no matter how hard of a time I am going through, I have those 5 words. Those words are the key to my self-worth, self-love, and give me a gentle place to land; right into connection.

This is a part of my healing … towards myself, god, and everyone around me in the way that God intended me to be – free from the walls that used to bind me.

 

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a broken heart – physical healing

Since being in therapy, I truly believe that emotional healing plays a huge factor in physical healing.

I also believe and have learned that emotional stress also leads to physical stress – they go both hand in hand.

I was born with a heart condition called “Bicuspid Aortic Valve”. I didn’t know I was born with this condition until I was rushed to the hospital in AFIB (Atrial Fibrillation) back in 2004, which I have to say was the scariest moment of my life, and a turning point in my physical healing as well.

When I was a child I always complained that my heart hurt. No one listened! The teachers at school thought it was an excuse to get out of gym, or an excuse to go home. I complained about it so much that they toned me out as “it’s not real”.

I suffered from constant chest pains, and had a hard time breathing a lot. Even doctors who saw me fluked it off as some kind of “anxiety issue” – yeah, if they only knew.

In 2004 I was at my sister in law Debbie’s house spending the night with the kids because we had to be somewhere early the next morning. I was sleeping in the big bed with Nathan and Ryan.

I woke up from really bad heart palpitations that would not go away, and before I knew it, my heart was beating and jumping all over the place, like it was off beat at a very high rate.

911 was called, the paramedics came, hooked me up to a monitor and saw that my heart was beating 219bpm (the normal being 80 at resting)! They rushed me to the hospital and in that moment I thought I was never going to see my kids again!

While in the ER, I was in AFIB for 9 hours. They were just getting ready to shock my heart back to normal sinus rhythm when it converted back to normal on its own. Needless to say they found my heart condition; it only took 30+ years to find it!

Having a heart condition comes with its stress, and frustrations. I deal with day to day palpitations, some that bring me to my knees bending over trying to breathe keeping myself from going back into AFIB. I have learned to really sit as still as I can when these palpitations come, because the more anxiety you feed it, the worst it gets.

My aorta is mildly enlarged, and there is some leakage to the valve. I see a cardiologist on a regular basis, and we do scans twice a year to see if it’s grown.

I will eventually need to have open heart surgery, which is why we watch for its growth, and watch for the leakage. We check it every 6 months.

A lot of what my heart goes through has a lot to do with my “emotional” healing as well. I have learned that when I am holding a lot inside emotionally, I really have a hard time with my heart – but that goes without saying, it works the other way around as well. My heart feels physically better, when I work on the emotional things I sometimes hold that is too much.

I have been in session before, and my therapist will know I am holding a lot emotionally when my nose starts to bleed during hard moments in session! It happens quite often, and although embarrassing, it’s almost a gage to know that “I really am holding TOO much”.

Years of holding things in, my heart reacts, even like my doctor said to me just a month ago – “you need to let some of that stress go”.

Listening to my body and what it needs has also been about my healing. I have learned in therapy how to “breathe”. My therapist has taught me how to turn those heart palpitations into good energy.

Last night I had such a scary and bad heart palpitation that is almost made me jump out of bed – but I didn’t. I sat there and I stayed still, I took a deep breath and let the heart do whatever it was doing, and then it was fine. It left me feeling flushed, red and tired, but I was OK.

I truly believe that I am not only healing emotionally, but I am healing physically. Will it make my heart condition go away? No! But I can have control over what it does to me every day, and how I react to it.

I won’t lie, living with this is horrible! I will have days where my heart is jumping all day long, and I feel totally exhausted, but because of my emotional healing, it has helped me physically as well.

I had a heart appointment this morning, and I am free and clear for another 6 months, and I almost wanted to cry in relief! I worry about it every day (having open heart surgery). I know it will happen someday – but not today.

So now I nap in relief, I give my heart some rest, and I take another step forward in my healing – both emotionally and physically.

 

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the walls that once provided . . .

When I am dealing with too much than I can handle, I turn to old habits like building walls; emotional walls, like electric fences and barbwire’s!

Those walls served a great purpose in the past. It kept people out, and kept me from leaning in. It kept people at bay from me, and kept my emotions caved in.

It provided me a soft cusion, and kept me safe. It pushed even the good people away; while I survived it alone, day after day! The walls were the only thing I had my whole life.

Years of therapy has helped me take down all those walls! Many many walls have been taken down, and sometimes it can be scary.

I have now learned to think before building walls. My therapist always tells me “lean in” “reach out”, “connect” “you have support”. I have learned to turn to those things before building walls, but not without work and a lot of trust.

When things become too much inside like it has in the past couple of weeks; like things being thrown at me left and right – those are the times that old habits kick in, and I kick into survival mode, and I start slowly building!

I start building walls to not only protect myself from having emotions around it, but I also do it so that I don’t put burden onto others with all that I am holding inside that feels too much.

When it becomes too much inside for me at once, I start to think it’s too much for others; therefor I build walls.

When you have carried things your whole life on your own; you feel you have to do it alone. To hand it over to anyone else – it’s just too much for them, and then my self worth is on the line – and the rolling ball effect begins!

5 years of therapy, this technique of building walls is not working as well as it once did. Today was one of those moments that it just didn’t work, and for the first time, I noticed it, and started to “un-build” the walls as fast as I started to build them.

I went into session today with the walls already starting to be built just little. I have been holding a lot about my mom and other things that have been thrown at me that were least expected.

At first I felt myself becoming quiet, which is the start of the wall building. Then I started to get uncomfortable and that is the 2nd stage of wall building (giving myself a reason to build). Then I start to get defensive, which is the pushing away part of the wall building –  and slowly I actually felt myself doing it, and realized what it was I was doing!

I then got up, told Andy I needed a few moments alone, and went into the bathroom. I knew deep inside, I needed that space for a moment, and that it meant something.

I went into the bathroom, splashed cold water on my face, looked in the mirror and said “stop!” “no walls” “no silence” “lean in“. – “I am supported, I am cared for, and I dont need to do this alone! stop building the walls”.

I went back into the room, sat next to my therapist, and started talking, and talking and talking and talking and letting go for over 90 minutes straight! I broke down and let all my feelings, worries, concerns, burdens, grief, fears, and even some joys be let out into the room!

My therapist looked at me and said “do you know what you just did? You just stopped those walls from building, took control over it, and you right now, look as connected as I have seen you in weeks!

I realized today that those walls that once provided me relief, no longer provide me relief, but provide me more pain. If I had not broken down and talked about what I was carrying inside; my blog would be a whole different story today.

My blog would be about “holding” and “swallowing” what I have had inside since the weekend. I would have built walls and carried the grief about my mom alone. I would have tried to be strong and say “I can do this” when in real I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE! and I don’t have to!

Those old walls, made me do it alone, and slowly I am learning that I don’t have to do it alone! Each time I go through this little by little, I am learning that this is a journey filled with support, care and love – no walls are needed!

I don’t have to live behind the walls anymore, not even to protect others. Leaning in and reaching out for support when I need it is healing. I have said this before, but I am realizing that being weak, is almost powerful sometimes.

Much like Sunday, I am breathing today. I lifted the weight, I talked about it, I broke down, I had support, I had comfort, I had supporting words, and the best thing? I was told “you will get through this, and not alone”, and we figured it out!

I have a plan – we have a plan. I have ways to work around what is going on now. Things are slowly falling into place. I didn’t have to run home and retreat to figuring it out by myself, and there is no way that could have happened with walls.

I am grateful that today I saw what was happening. Just a year ago, I would have built those walls sky high to avoid the truth called emotions, and to protect others.

I am healing even when it hurts like hell, and that is good, because I know I will get through this – I don’t need any walls for me to see that.

I know that tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days after that – no matter what – I have support to help me through this hump I am going through right now, and that is more powerful than ANY wall I can build.

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the tree’s that bend…

Today I experienced a road block in my writing, until now. This happens when I cannot reach anything inside, but I know there are things sitting there; waiting to be reached.

I sometimes experience this in therapy as well. I will go into session and I am silent. I just have nothing to open up inside; even though there is a lot inside.

Today when thinking about what I wanted to write, I was reminded about “the tree’s that bend”, and the photo that I look at everyday in my healing.

This photograph of the trees is actually a canvas that I bought years ago. I bought this photograph for my therapy room, for myself, and for my therapist – as a reminder in life.

I bought this because I wanted to put it up during my sessions to replace these 4 colorful men of art on the wall in the room, that for some reason just don’t sit well with me.

For me energy and connection is everything, and I love trees. I love photographs of beautiful trees. So I saw this photo and fell in love with it, and I bought the canvas, wrote some words on the back of it, and gave it to my Therapist, gave it to the room, and to myself.

Ever since then, we have hung it up in replace of the 4 headed men art instead.

When I walk into my session, it’s already hung up for me! The tree’s with the beautiful sunspot! I love this photo, and what it represents.

We both wanted to somehow make a print up of what is written on the back -to somehow put it on the front.

It’s beautiful wording that reminds me that sometimes trees do bend, and sometimes they break, but they always stand strong after the storm.

It reads:

I started to picture the trees in the storm. The answer began to dawn on me. The tree’s in the storm don’t try and stand up straight, tall, or strong. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting go. Those tree’s and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight, are the ones that break. Now is not the time to be strong or you too will break.

The sunlight that shines between the trees after the storm is the support that heals the broken branches, and gives it strength to grow again.

Thank you for being one of the many sunspots in my healing journey.

I focus on this photo a lot in therapy, and it reminds me of where I am, and that no matter what, the trees always stand, and the sun always shines.

I sometimes focus on the tree branches, and sometimes I focus right on the sunspot. Sometimes I focus on the clouds when I am having a hard time. It represents many things in my healing today.

I love that when I walk into this space during the week, that photo is up and waiting for me. It represents the work in healing that I do. The sunspots that shine through the trees remind me of God’s grace, and that he is always looking out for me.

This photo also reminds me of how to reach in and find what is inside when I am having those moments of silent, or those moments where it feels so hard.

I have this photo at home as well (I bought 2). It’s hung above my fireplace. When I am home, it reminds me of where I am in this journey, and how even in the hard, I won’t break if I allow myself to bend with the storm.

Today, when I felt like I couldn’t find the words, I looked over at this canvas that sits over my fireplace, and I was reminded of where I am, and that I have been through a storm this past week – but I am still standing, and I feel God’s grace all around me, right here, no matter where I am. 

Click HERE for the original photo and writing on the back of the canvas

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