accompishment and celebration

Today was about accomplishment and celebration in my healing. Today was one of my favorite days in this journey I have been on; regardless of still feeling sad and weak. For years in my healing, when I have gone through something hard to the point of feeling really weak and I don’t want to admit it – I tend to run off, hide and lick my own wounds. Sometimes, I care so much about my damn independence that I won’t let people help when I feel REALLY weak. I have gone into disconnection because of it in the past, and that sometimes leads to “tension” in my work, and the people around me. I also tend to get very defensive when I am not feeling as strong. I will try and make people mad with me so that they won’t have to support me in my “rougher moments”. I tend to feel guilty when I feel weak and have the need for support, so I run and rather take care of it on my own. The feeling of need scares me, and sometimes I […]

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fearless emotions – take 2!

Much like Saturday morning, emotions found me when waking up – I felt frustrated and the question that played over and over in my head was “what is going on??” What is going on? I have been so strong for 2 months! I have had this over powering energy and I have been running full force into the light of my own path – what is going on!!?? Why are these emotions showing up out of nowhere? I moved through it this morning, and I also felt okay into the day. Driving to my session later on, I felt a little something stirring, but I felt stronger (or was I trying too hard to play the act of being too strong?) I walked into session; put my bag down on the chair closest to the door, and the FLOOD CAME!! Reached over for my therapist and out came the tears, the words, and all the emotions that were sitting at the surface since my last face to face with my emotions. The emotions that came on; barely made it past […]

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the courage to ask

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this or not. However, I have always said, “this blog is about healing, and it’s about truth; It’s about my journey going forward”. Every entry I post is one step closer to my true self. Everyday I try and remind myself that every truth spoken, is another foothold to the next. So with that being said – I faced a difficult question that has been pressing me for a very very long time. A question that I have been utterly afraid to ask and talk about; and know the answer to. Saturday night my sister and I had a long talk on the phone (like I mentioned in my last blog entry yesterday). She called me at 12:30am, and just wanted to talk. I don’t know if that was Gods work, or if it was meant to be or not, but for some reason it landed in place as being the right moment. My walls are down, I am not protecting anymore, I have shed the shame, and I am […]

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“let go of the past”- not so fast!

“The past is the past, let it go, what happened happened”. Ever hear those words from someone and you just cringe in anger? I have heard this many times, and the sad part? I heard it from people who I was once close to; people who didn’t understand what it meant to heal from something that happened in the past. I have heard this from people who try to use “just hand it all over to God”. I have heard these words from people who either have never been through trauma in their life, or they have, but they are still in denial that healing the past is what makes for a richer future. What would of happened if I never walked into therapy years ago? I would still be the same person who could not look in the mirror when working out. I would still be the same person who would let people walk all over me because I didn’t learn that I had a voice that was worth hearing. I would still be the person who holds in […]

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