feeling my emotions

Yesterday when I woke up to get ready for therapy and the day ahead I knew it was going to be a really hard day – I just knew it and felt something really big inside tugging at me! Emotions were really close to the surface from the moment I woke! Emotions scare me – – emotions make me want to run – – I hate feeling, and being with emotions; especially letting them be seen! Yes even in therapy, even after 8 1/2 years of working thru my feelings and it still is a huge struggle for me! When I showed up to therapy I knew from the moment I sat in the waiting room that this was going to be a hard struggle – sitting there waiting I even struggled with and debated on walking out and going home before he came out to get me – which I have never once done in 8 1/2 years of being in therapy. But I stayed with it, I worked with the struggle in the waiting room and knew in […]

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31 Days {Days 25, 26 & 27} stuck in a rut

I have been stuck in an emotional rut for the past 48 hours, and it’s been hard to move out of it. It’s not often that I get disconnected. Through the years of working in therapy I have really learned how to stay connected, even in the hardest of struggles. But then there are times when I get caught in an emotional rut and disconnection finds its way through me. The past 48 hours have been one of those times, and it’s frustrating not being able to pull out of it. It began with an anxiety attack I had in he middle of the night last night – calling for my husband to help me out of it! That is always a true sure sign, something big is going on inside. Little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own” – Mary Oliver When I struggle in these ruts, I notice it right away when I stop […]

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fearless emotions – take 2!

Much like Saturday morning, emotions found me when waking up – I felt frustrated and the question that played over and over in my head was “what is going on??” What is going on? I have been so strong for 2 months! I have had this over powering energy and I have been running full force into the light of my own path – what is going on!!?? Why are these emotions showing up out of nowhere? I moved through it this morning, and I also felt okay into the day. Driving to my session later on, I felt a little something stirring, but I felt stronger (or was I trying too hard to play the act of being too strong?) I walked into session; put my bag down on the chair closest to the door, and the FLOOD CAME!! Reached over for my therapist and out came the tears, the words, and all the emotions that were sitting at the surface since my last face to face with my emotions. The emotions that came on; barely made it past […]

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ANGER .. with no escape

Anger circled back around again Saturday later afternoon, just as the sad emotions did earlier that morning. I think when we honor our emotions in some way or form; along comes out other things that were right behind it. Anger is the emotion that I have the hardest time honoring. I have felt and honored fear, sadness, doubt, confusion, hope, joy, happiness, excitment, and wonder – but anger is the one emotion I have a hard time getting close to, or touching. When I am angry, that is the one emotion that I swallow the most. I block it out. I do whatever I can to not look at it, or be with it. People have told me that I am the most calm person they have ever met! I am quiet, I don’t make a loud entrance. I am very reserved, calm and soft spoken, I move quietly and I am gentle – if only people knew what I hold inside. Anger is one of the biggest emotions that we have worked on over and over for years in therapy! We have touched it, and then backed away from […]

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room for more goodness…

Yesterday in session we talked a little about this weekend and what connection looked like. We talked about what it would look like to write about something that wasn’t work, but yet very uplifting and healing in a “resting” kind of way. This morning, I woke up to an email from my therapist, with connecting thoughts, reflecting words about the great hard work this past week has been about. Words with some goodness and some thoughts about our work and going forward, and also wanting to know how my Saturday morning was. It was very uplifting – but then, sitting at my desk, I looked out the window for a moment, and I just CRIED! I cried, and I had no idea where in the world the tears came from! It was as if this email I got this morning hit the “release valve button” and out came feelings I didn’t even realize I had this morning – almost like what happened this past Tuesday. I woke up, feeling strong! I got 12 hours of sleep last night, fell asleep once the storms calmed down, with laptop in my lap (working on a blog […]

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