feeling my emotions

1082105247Yesterday when I woke up to get ready for therapy and the day ahead I knew it was going to be a really hard day – I just knew it and felt something really big inside tugging at me!

Emotions were really close to the surface from the moment I woke! Emotions scare me – – emotions make me want to run – – I hate feeling, and being with emotions; especially letting them be seen!

Yes even in therapy, even after 8 1/2 years of working thru my feelings and it still is a huge struggle for me!

When I showed up to therapy I knew from the moment I sat in the waiting room that this was going to be a hard struggle – sitting there waiting I even struggled with and debated on walking out and going home before he came out to get me – which I have never once done in 8 1/2 years of being in therapy.

But I stayed with it, I worked with the struggle in the waiting room and knew in that moment that “connection is found in working through the struggle, not running from the struggle”.

I knew from the moment I sat next to my therapist that the silence I felt wasn’t going to work, swallowing my emotions and feelings was not going to work like it once did, and so I gave in and let them just show up no matter how bad they felt!

My therapist took and held my hand and said “just breathe and let it be here” and when the emotions got big, he hugged me in those tears and told me I am supported, loved and cared for – even in the days I have tears, not just in the days I am strong with all the wisdom I bring and how strong I am.

My therapist knows my struggle with emotions, he has been a witness to this fear for over 8 years now, and he knows no matter how many tears I have shed, it still scares me to the core every time they show up.

The story behind the fear of emotions is so big that its something I still have such a hard time with no matter how many times I reminded that “your tears are SO OK!” – “however you feel is SO welcomed” “you are not alone”.

There is also a part of me that struggles with emotions on a level that “if I am expressing my emotions, if I am having emotions, it’s too much, or I am not being strong enough, or this is a step back instead of seeing it as a step forward.

I feel guilty and ashamed for having emotions, because I was abused into thinking that.

BUT – For the first ever, I just let go of my inner fear and just let the emotions be there, because it was too much work to sit in the silence!

I realized how bad it felt to be silent and disconnected vs letting the emotions be there and let go of that inner fear that holds them. I felt what the sadness felt like, I felt what the tears felt like, for the first time I was able to feel fully and not disconnect from my self or the young part.

I showed up yesterday regardless of how bad it felt inside, because I know deep inside God is along side of me taking those steps with me, and I know I am supported by a wonderful therapist who helps me to see that I am not alone in these big feelings, and my support is there in the connection if I allow the connection to be there.

Never have I FELT my emotions … I have cried many many tears, but never have I felt them or even felt what they meant and why there were there … never have I accepted them to be here.

and another step is made . . . .

** WORDPRESS.COM READERS ** if your reading this in the READER, you wont be able to respond with a comment unless you go to the link of my blog, I run a SELF HOSTED so you have to go to my blog to leave a comment .. go here to the link to read and leave a comment

feeling my emotions

Continue Reading

31 Days {Days 25, 26 & 27} stuck in a rut

maryoliverI have been stuck in an emotional rut for the past 48 hours, and it’s been hard to move out of it.

It’s not often that I get disconnected. Through the years of working in therapy I have really learned how to stay connected, even in the hardest of struggles.

But then there are times when I get caught in an emotional rut and disconnection finds its way through me.

The past 48 hours have been one of those times, and it’s frustrating not being able to pull out of it.

It began with an anxiety attack I had in he middle of the night last night – calling for my husband to help me out of it! That is always a true sure sign, something big is going on inside.

Little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own” – Mary Oliver

When I struggle in these ruts, I notice it right away when I stop interacting in the things I love to interact in, like “chatting with online friends” or “being a part of” “I don’t touch my computer” “I get really tired and sleepy and want to be left alone’.

Today, I went to Target and as I was shopping I began crying in the isles of  the store… tears showed up and I couldn’t stop crying – as people looked at me. I tried pulling out of it as I wiped the tears away, and the more I wiped, the more they flowed!

I managed to pull thru it and get home only to have more tears!

What is going on?????

My therapist always tells, especially at the end of sessions “if you need to lean in, all the ways of leaning in are here for you, you are supported”

if I lean in, it means I am struggling, and tonight I leaned in with an email – “having a really hard time”

This is where I am learning to not let disconnection take me under, rather let the connection shed light on the darkness of the struggle… I did just that by leaning in  and telling my therapist exactly what was going on, and it was met back with support.

His response assured me of support and prayer in session tomorrow morning – beginning with a prayer.

Sometimes leaning in to connection is not about making something go  away or feeling better, but more about just being heard in the place I am in, giving me the power of healing self a connecting to self.

In the past I would do almost ANYTHING to feel better and be connected – WANTING it to go AWAY! But as I sit in patience with learning more about what is here and why. I have learned to talk about it using my voice as my guide to talk about it, and trusting that connection will be found in “talking about it” rather than trying to fix it as quick as I can by making the feelings go away!

So as I sit here tonight, I am feeling a bit more connected now that I put my feelings out to my support, but it’s not fixed and I don’t expect it to be. I will pray through it tonight, I will ask God to help me through this tough emotional rut I have been in for the past 48-hours, and just lean on the trust that through connection, support and talking about it tomorrow morning, connection to-self will come back, and I will understand a little more of where this struggle is coming from.

That is my hope!

These ruts of disconnection used to last weeks before ..now that I have learned to work with them, they are far and in between and don’t last long – but when they do hit, it’s painfully hard!

So as I write this blog for 3 days that i missed because of the rut, I will connect with my true words and feelings and find connection thru my truth here as well in my journey to healing.

Patience in he process…  trust …. leaning on those who support = connection back to self.

Continue Reading

fearless emotions – take 2!

Much like Saturday morning, emotions found me when waking up – I felt frustrated and the question that played over and over in my head was “what is going on??”

What is going on? I have been so strong for 2 months! I have had this over powering energy and I have been running full force into the light of my own path – what is going on!!?? Why are these emotions showing up out of nowhere?

I moved through it this morning, and I also felt okay into the day. Driving to my session later on, I felt a little something stirring, but I felt stronger (or was I trying too hard to play the act of being too strong?)

I walked into session; put my bag down on the chair closest to the door, and the FLOOD CAME!! Reached over for my therapist and out came the tears, the words, and all the emotions that were sitting at the surface since my last face to face with my emotions.

The emotions that came on; barely made it past me shutting the door behind me! Everything was there – except the FEAR!

The fear of the emotions had no part in my entrance what’s-so-ever! I cried almost the whole session standing! Words were coming out of my mouth that I didn’t even realize hurt so much inside. I guess that’s what happens when the Vail of fear is lifted – take 2!

Words that came out were about the sadness of my mom being back in the hospital and that I am having a hard time caring or having empathy to call her, which I have not done yet, and I dont understand why I am not caring, but it’s making me SO sad!

Words like “I am truly understanding my story in a whole, and realizing how much it hurts to open wounds and close them with truth” Words like “I am sad, and I want to be as strong as I have been in the past 2 months“. The words kept coming and coming!

Fear? what fear?

No matter how hard I tried to gather myself and be strong, it brought me down again! Crying in my sadness! The fearless emotions were not leaving me anytime soon!

I felt weak, but in a small way felt strong. I allowed myself support, I allowed my words to be heard, I allowed myself to be seen and heard at the same time, and I allowed myself to HEAR the words I was saying! I allowed myself to accept how I felt.

Before leaving session, I was still crying! I had to be somewhere at 6pm, and needed to leave. It’s very rare I leave crying out the door! I am always so gathered and put together! I leave with high optimism and most of the time I leave with a strong stance  – but not today.

Before leaving I said “I hate you sometimes” with a chuckle while still crying!! Meaning (him helping me to see and feel my emotions in this healing), and he said “hate me all you want, it’s worth it!!” That gave me a little bit of laughter, but not enough to let go of what was still stirring inside.

I left crying to my car, crying in the car, crying on my way to my Doctor’s appointment – and suddenly I saw the sun hitting the trees between two building, and the light was just right. The way the lighting was, it gave me this feeling of “okay-ness” – I knew in that moment I made more room inside my soul yet again.

I had this feeling of power that I have never felt before. It felt as if I just closed another wound, but this time it was the wound of FEAR. One of my biggest wounds, (fear of emotions). Today, just like last Tuesday, even more so, it showed up! Fear was nowhere to be found!

I don’t think I ever felt emotions like I did today, and in a strange way? It felt good. It felt good to let out the words and hear myself say “I am sad”, “I am sad that my mom will never be the mom I need”, or hearing the words how sad it is to open and close these horrible wounds.

Tonight I am sitting here, in my bed, candle is lit next to me, I am covered and warm, my hair is pulled back, I am relaxed, I feel a little lighter, and my soul feels lifted!

Something big was there today – The storm came, the wind did not blow me away, and I adjusted my sails – to move on to tomorrow; another day of healing.

 

Continue Reading