31 Days {Days 25, 26 & 27} stuck in a rut

I have been stuck in an emotional rut for the past 48 hours, and it’s been hard to move out of it. It’s not often that I get disconnected. Through the years of working in therapy I have really learned how to stay connected, even in the hardest of struggles. But then there are times when I get caught in an emotional rut and disconnection finds its way through me. The past 48 hours have been one of those times, and it’s frustrating not being able to pull out of it. It began with an anxiety attack I had in he middle of the night last night – calling for my husband to help me out of it! That is always a true sure sign, something big is going on inside. Little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own” – Mary Oliver When I struggle in these ruts, I notice it right away when I stop […]

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still holding on . . .

This weekend so far has been a toss between good and hard, sad and happy, empowered and maybe feeling a little weak, but I try to remind myself “I am not there yet, but I am so close“. Being stuck in place and waiting for “the switch” to happen inside is not always the easiest thing. I know what I want to feel, I know what I want to do, I know where I am going – but it’s not here yet. It can be so frustrating at times. In all the years I have been working on my healing and physical healing in the gym, and all the hard work I do – this is the longest I have been stuck emotionally. I have support, I have love, I have people around me who remind me that I am cared for when I am feeling down. I am surrounded by endless understanding. I have a therapist who checks in (in between sessions) and always reminds me of the okay-ness of where I am, and showing me the hope of where I […]

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rest in the {knowing}

Nothing is more comforting than just “resting in the knowing”. I was reminded of this today “rest in the knowing” – “find a soft place to land” “rest in what is true and real” “connection is all around you”. Today was a comforting day for many reasons. When I can rest in the knowing and feel completely connected – I heal. When I am walking on my path towards me, and I am allowing myself to be surrounded by those who love, care and support me and where I am – I heal. It’s no surprise that I have had a very tough rough patch – but that is now changing. It took me being in a hard place to give me more strength. it took me being in a hard place to truly see who is around me, who I can trust, and that the connection is even stronger! when I feel connected – I heal. Today I woke up and felt something new. I felt what I know, what I trust, what I have always trusted. I felt […]

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{ connection } the light to my path

Tonight I am sitting here and things are becoming clearer. I feel more connected tonight than I have in weeks. I always have believed that “connection” is what serves a great path to my healing. Today I was reminded of that connection. I was reminded that nothing has changed in this hard place I was in. Nothing has changed in the support, care or love – it’s there, I just need to accept it and have trust in it. Sometimes I need to be reminded when I get lost in the hardness. I have realized over the years in therapy that connection is the light to my path. Each step I take in my healing, lights the path to go forward. I spent a lot of my life in disconnection. Disconnection from myself and others. I was always a quiet and reserved person. I was shy and I retreated to myself a lot – until recently. I have learned in my 5 years of therapy that there is a whole world out there wanting to be connected. I learned that […]

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accompishment and celebration

Today was about accomplishment and celebration in my healing. Today was one of my favorite days in this journey I have been on; regardless of still feeling sad and weak. For years in my healing, when I have gone through something hard to the point of feeling really weak and I don’t want to admit it – I tend to run off, hide and lick my own wounds. Sometimes, I care so much about my damn independence that I won’t let people help when I feel REALLY weak. I have gone into disconnection because of it in the past, and that sometimes leads to “tension” in my work, and the people around me. I also tend to get very defensive when I am not feeling as strong. I will try and make people mad with me so that they won’t have to support me in my “rougher moments”. I tend to feel guilty when I feel weak and have the need for support, so I run and rather take care of it on my own. The feeling of need scares me, and sometimes I […]

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