31 Days {Days 25, 26 & 27} stuck in a rut

maryoliverI have been stuck in an emotional rut for the past 48 hours, and it’s been hard to move out of it.

It’s not often that I get disconnected. Through the years of working in therapy I have really learned how to stay connected, even in the hardest of struggles.

But then there are times when I get caught in an emotional rut and disconnection finds its way through me.

The past 48 hours have been one of those times, and it’s frustrating not being able to pull out of it.

It began with an anxiety attack I had in he middle of the night last night – calling for my husband to help me out of it! That is always a true sure sign, something big is going on inside.

Little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own” – Mary Oliver

When I struggle in these ruts, I notice it right away when I stop interacting in the things I love to interact in, like “chatting with online friends” or “being a part of” “I don’t touch my computer” “I get really tired and sleepy and want to be left alone’.

Today, I went to Target and as I was shopping I began crying in the isles of  the store… tears showed up and I couldn’t stop crying – as people looked at me. I tried pulling out of it as I wiped the tears away, and the more I wiped, the more they flowed!

I managed to pull thru it and get home only to have more tears!

What is going on?????

My therapist always tells, especially at the end of sessions “if you need to lean in, all the ways of leaning in are here for you, you are supported”

if I lean in, it means I am struggling, and tonight I leaned in with an email – “having a really hard time”

This is where I am learning to not let disconnection take me under, rather let the connection shed light on the darkness of the struggle… I did just that by leaning in  and telling my therapist exactly what was going on, and it was met back with support.

His response assured me of support and prayer in session tomorrow morning – beginning with a prayer.

Sometimes leaning in to connection is not about making something go  away or feeling better, but more about just being heard in the place I am in, giving me the power of healing self a connecting to self.

In the past I would do almost ANYTHING to feel better and be connected – WANTING it to go AWAY! But as I sit in patience with learning more about what is here and why. I have learned to talk about it using my voice as my guide to talk about it, and trusting that connection will be found in “talking about it” rather than trying to fix it as quick as I can by making the feelings go away!

So as I sit here tonight, I am feeling a bit more connected now that I put my feelings out to my support, but it’s not fixed and I don’t expect it to be. I will pray through it tonight, I will ask God to help me through this tough emotional rut I have been in for the past 48-hours, and just lean on the trust that through connection, support and talking about it tomorrow morning, connection to-self will come back, and I will understand a little more of where this struggle is coming from.

That is my hope!

These ruts of disconnection used to last weeks before ..now that I have learned to work with them, they are far and in between and don’t last long – but when they do hit, it’s painfully hard!

So as I write this blog for 3 days that i missed because of the rut, I will connect with my true words and feelings and find connection thru my truth here as well in my journey to healing.

Patience in he process…  trust …. leaning on those who support = connection back to self.

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still holding on . . .

aeb49113c0295cf9be7569219e077c70This weekend so far has been a toss between good and hard, sad and happy, empowered and maybe feeling a little weak, but I try to remind myself “I am not there yet, but I am so close“.

Being stuck in place and waiting for “the switch” to happen inside is not always the easiest thing. I know what I want to feel, I know what I want to do, I know where I am going – but it’s not here yet.

It can be so frustrating at times.

In all the years I have been working on my healing and physical healing in the gym, and all the hard work I do – this is the longest I have been stuck emotionally.

I have support, I have love, I have people around me who remind me that I am cared for when I am feeling down.

I am surrounded by endless understanding. I have a therapist who checks in (in between sessions) and always reminds me of the okay-ness of where I am, and showing me the hope of where I am heading in my healing.

I have people who embrace me – ask me how I am doing if I am the slightest bit quiet. I have people who understand this “stuck” place emotionally I have been in, and truly deep inside I know if I hold out my hand, I have 10 hands waiting for mine… but really finding that goodness is an inside job.

I have learned that no matter how many people surround me, truly the way to goodness and strength inside is something that I need to grab a hold of myself. There is no one who can do it for me – support me YES absolutely, but do it for me NO.

In the past when I have been stuck I have waited for that switch to happen and I know when it happens, because nothing can stop me. I am filled with fire, I am ready, I am pumped, I am filled with unstoppable energy .. and sitting here writing this, I know it’s close, I know I am almost there, but not yet, something is still there and we are working hard to figure that out.

I have been stuck emotionally many times in my life, but this time it’s taking longer, but the one thing I have learned in this is that, something is to be heard, learned and understood about this time, and I am listening quietly and patiently.

I will continue to pray to God; show up and write him letters about how I am feeling and know that when the time is right, when something is to be learned from this stuck place, that I will move, and not only will I move, but I will move BIG!

Like my therapist tells me and just told me “what we can do in this moment is stay connected, continue to lean in, you continue to look at all of  us who have their hand out, know that we can talk about anything, and keep holding the hope, and it will happen“.

– I will feel better inside and move out of this stuck place I am in.

I will get to the place again to go to church every weekend and not feel unworthy of it. Enjoy eating again without feeling sick to my stomach. I will go to the gym with no fear that I am not strong enough. I will go to the coffee-house and sit with my friends and let myself be seen in the hardness OR the goodness without feeling isolated. I Will move out of this stuck place.

So tonight I will make dinner with my family. I will write my Sunday night connection email to my therapist. I will go for a night drive with my husband like we always do on Sunday nights. I will continue to write.. chat with my close friends online.. relax with a book, and tomorrow I will wake up and let the healing continue.

However I will say this, this has been a VERY hard “stuck” place I have been in for 2 months now; the longest I have been stuck ever.

but I have BIG FAITH – HUGE FAITH that it’s not going to be like this for much longer. I KNOW something is waiting for me and that shift will happen. I know something is going to happen to where I shift into a huge place inside my soul and in my healing, and I trust all the love and support around me in that .. but right now I will just move through each moment until that moment comes…

I have some hard work to do in therapy this week .. we have two 2-hour sessions planned this week and deep inside – I have a good feeling about this week coming up. My therapist sounds filled with hope, maybe even a little joyful/excited, and he says to me ” you don’t see what I see, but you will“. I trust that, I really do. I have been trusting it for 6 years and I will continue to.

I am blessed by all the people who know about my hard stuck time right now.. God has surrounded me with good good people .. I am lucky and have never lost sight of that – ever!

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rest in the {knowing}

Nothing is more comforting than just “resting in the knowing”. I was reminded of this today “rest in the knowing” – “find a soft place to land” “rest in what is true and real” “connection is all around you”.

Today was a comforting day for many reasons. When I can rest in the knowing and feel completely connected – I heal.

When I am walking on my path towards me, and I am allowing myself to be surrounded by those who love, care and support me and where I am – I heal.

It’s no surprise that I have had a very tough rough patch – but that is now changing. It took me being in a hard place to give me more strength. it took me being in a hard place to truly see who is around me, who I can trust, and that the connection is even stronger! when I feel connected – I heal.

Today I woke up and felt something new. I felt what I know, what I trust, what I have always trusted. I felt supported, I felt grace, I felt love, I felt God, I felt all the things that help me to heal.

I dont think I have ever said this before, but I am actually really looking forward to the week ahead. I am looking forward to the week of healing; to find me again, and to accept support, connection and wisdom not only with those around me, but within myself.

I have sat here tonight as I am moving through my blog and writing, and I am resting in the knowing and it feels really good! It’s the first time I have felt this way in a while. I trust it.

My therapist always says to be “I wish you could find a soft place to land” – well I can tell him I had some of that today. I had some of that because I trust what I feel – the knowing.

The knowing of the trust I have put over 5 years in my healing now. The knowing of those is around me. The knowing of the people who care and support me in this journey. The knowing that God is always by my side no matter what comes towards me. The knowing of those 5 words “I can talk about anything” “we can talk about anything”…. and the knowing that even when there are dark times, there is still light.

Tonight I rest in the knowing – tomorrow I will wake in the knowing – next week I will heal in the knowing!

 

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