Five Minute Friday {Hold}

Welcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing. No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are! Today’s Five minute Friday word is {HOLD} {Start} God is Holding What I am healing! “Hold The Vision and Trust The Process”, this has been a quote I have held in my head for years and years! Don’t lost focus of the path in front of you. Hold the vision to what God has in store for you and your path. Again, another word that has a lot to do with what I am going through right now. it’s about holding onto what I know, what I trust and what I know is there even though in tough times its hard to see. Alot of times when we are going through something hard, we tend to turn our eyes away […]

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handing it over to be held…

For years in therapy my therapist has always said to me before leaving sessions “just leave everything you’re holding here with me, I will hold onto it. You just go and be! Ok what? What does that even mean? Sometimes I would get so frustrated thinking, “yes that is easier said than done if you’re not holding what I am holding”. Friday before leaving my session, I went over to my therapist with a hug and said “ok, here we go, I am leaving some of it with you”; I just want a peaceful weekend filled with goodness! I want to BE, I want to feel peace inside! I want to be free! I want to have a weekend filled with grace, filled with goodness”. I handed it over through the hug – literally! I said all of this with excitement, and at one point had tears in my eyes because I wanted it that much! I wanted to know what it was like to let someone else “hold” something for me, so I could go be. I wanted to understand it and experience that. On the heels […]

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accompishment and celebration

Today was about accomplishment and celebration in my healing. Today was one of my favorite days in this journey I have been on; regardless of still feeling sad and weak. For years in my healing, when I have gone through something hard to the point of feeling really weak and I don’t want to admit it – I tend to run off, hide and lick my own wounds. Sometimes, I care so much about my damn independence that I won’t let people help when I feel REALLY weak. I have gone into disconnection because of it in the past, and that sometimes leads to “tension” in my work, and the people around me. I also tend to get very defensive when I am not feeling as strong. I will try and make people mad with me so that they won’t have to support me in my “rougher moments”. I tend to feel guilty when I feel weak and have the need for support, so I run and rather take care of it on my own. The feeling of need scares me, and sometimes I […]

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giving myself voice..

When I first started this blog last year, it began in little thoughts. I started off using the “photo” to tell the story of what I was writing, and then slowly it became writing the story, and finding a photo to help tell the story. As I continued to write and be inspired by a couple of people, I noticed more and more that my voice was being heard, and my stories were longer and more authentic to how I was feeling inside. In the past 2 months I have noticed that my voice is getting stronger and stronger. My feelings are sitting at the surface and I am using that as a tool to put my voice out there to be heard. Today’s blog writing I am inspired by one of my mentors “Keith Jennings” who’s blog topic was “finding your voice”. Today in session I had small emotions here and there, but today was about talking. Today was about talking through my heart and my soul – just like I write. Today I talked for 2 hours and had […]

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fearless emotions – take 2!

Much like Saturday morning, emotions found me when waking up – I felt frustrated and the question that played over and over in my head was “what is going on??” What is going on? I have been so strong for 2 months! I have had this over powering energy and I have been running full force into the light of my own path – what is going on!!?? Why are these emotions showing up out of nowhere? I moved through it this morning, and I also felt okay into the day. Driving to my session later on, I felt a little something stirring, but I felt stronger (or was I trying too hard to play the act of being too strong?) I walked into session; put my bag down on the chair closest to the door, and the FLOOD CAME!! Reached over for my therapist and out came the tears, the words, and all the emotions that were sitting at the surface since my last face to face with my emotions. The emotions that came on; barely made it past […]

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ANGER .. with no escape

Anger circled back around again Saturday later afternoon, just as the sad emotions did earlier that morning. I think when we honor our emotions in some way or form; along comes out other things that were right behind it. Anger is the emotion that I have the hardest time honoring. I have felt and honored fear, sadness, doubt, confusion, hope, joy, happiness, excitment, and wonder – but anger is the one emotion I have a hard time getting close to, or touching. When I am angry, that is the one emotion that I swallow the most. I block it out. I do whatever I can to not look at it, or be with it. People have told me that I am the most calm person they have ever met! I am quiet, I don’t make a loud entrance. I am very reserved, calm and soft spoken, I move quietly and I am gentle – if only people knew what I hold inside. Anger is one of the biggest emotions that we have worked on over and over for years in therapy! We have touched it, and then backed away from […]

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room for more goodness…

Yesterday in session we talked a little about this weekend and what connection looked like. We talked about what it would look like to write about something that wasn’t work, but yet very uplifting and healing in a “resting” kind of way. This morning, I woke up to an email from my therapist, with connecting thoughts, reflecting words about the great hard work this past week has been about. Words with some goodness and some thoughts about our work and going forward, and also wanting to know how my Saturday morning was. It was very uplifting – but then, sitting at my desk, I looked out the window for a moment, and I just CRIED! I cried, and I had no idea where in the world the tears came from! It was as if this email I got this morning hit the “release valve button” and out came feelings I didn’t even realize I had this morning – almost like what happened this past Tuesday. I woke up, feeling strong! I got 12 hours of sleep last night, fell asleep once the storms calmed down, with laptop in my lap (working on a blog […]

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the sunspots . .

I have had this story in drafts for months! I have waited for the perfect time to share this part of my story. Tonight it feels right – tonight I post another part of my story. Tonight it feels right on the heels of writing something so hard last night – to now write about something so graceful. There are only 3 people in my life who know about the “sunspots” story from my childhood, and what that means to me even today as an adult. The only 3 people who truly hold this close to their heart as a part of my story, is my therapist, my dear friend Tracy, and GOD. I have never opened up about this before. It was so sacred to me, that I never shared it with my own kids, or my husband. I don’t think anyone could possibly understand the depths of what this meant to me as a child, and how it saved my life. This is where I “met God”. I think the reason I have never really shared the full […]

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