fearless emotions – take 2!

Much like Saturday morning, emotions found me when waking up – I felt frustrated and the question that played over and over in my head was “what is going on??”

What is going on? I have been so strong for 2 months! I have had this over powering energy and I have been running full force into the light of my own path – what is going on!!?? Why are these emotions showing up out of nowhere?

I moved through it this morning, and I also felt okay into the day. Driving to my session later on, I felt a little something stirring, but I felt stronger (or was I trying too hard to play the act of being too strong?)

I walked into session; put my bag down on the chair closest to the door, and the FLOOD CAME!! Reached over for my therapist and out came the tears, the words, and all the emotions that were sitting at the surface since my last face to face with my emotions.

The emotions that came on; barely made it past me shutting the door behind me! Everything was there – except the FEAR!

The fear of the emotions had no part in my entrance what’s-so-ever! I cried almost the whole session standing! Words were coming out of my mouth that I didn’t even realize hurt so much inside. I guess that’s what happens when the Vail of fear is lifted – take 2!

Words that came out were about the sadness of my mom being back in the hospital and that I am having a hard time caring or having empathy to call her, which I have not done yet, and I dont understand why I am not caring, but it’s making me SO sad!

Words like “I am truly understanding my story in a whole, and realizing how much it hurts to open wounds and close them with truth” Words like “I am sad, and I want to be as strong as I have been in the past 2 months“. The words kept coming and coming!

Fear? what fear?

No matter how hard I tried to gather myself and be strong, it brought me down again! Crying in my sadness! The fearless emotions were not leaving me anytime soon!

I felt weak, but in a small way felt strong. I allowed myself support, I allowed my words to be heard, I allowed myself to be seen and heard at the same time, and I allowed myself to HEAR the words I was saying! I allowed myself to accept how I felt.

Before leaving session, I was still crying! I had to be somewhere at 6pm, and needed to leave. It’s very rare I leave crying out the door! I am always so gathered and put together! I leave with high optimism and most of the time I leave with a strong stance  – but not today.

Before leaving I said “I hate you sometimes” with a chuckle while still crying!! Meaning (him helping me to see and feel my emotions in this healing), and he said “hate me all you want, it’s worth it!!” That gave me a little bit of laughter, but not enough to let go of what was still stirring inside.

I left crying to my car, crying in the car, crying on my way to my Doctor’s appointment – and suddenly I saw the sun hitting the trees between two building, and the light was just right. The way the lighting was, it gave me this feeling of “okay-ness” – I knew in that moment I made more room inside my soul yet again.

I had this feeling of power that I have never felt before. It felt as if I just closed another wound, but this time it was the wound of FEAR. One of my biggest wounds, (fear of emotions). Today, just like last Tuesday, even more so, it showed up! Fear was nowhere to be found!

I don’t think I ever felt emotions like I did today, and in a strange way? It felt good. It felt good to let out the words and hear myself say “I am sad”, “I am sad that my mom will never be the mom I need”, or hearing the words how sad it is to open and close these horrible wounds.

Tonight I am sitting here, in my bed, candle is lit next to me, I am covered and warm, my hair is pulled back, I am relaxed, I feel a little lighter, and my soul feels lifted!

Something big was there today – The storm came, the wind did not blow me away, and I adjusted my sails – to move on to tomorrow; another day of healing.

 

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room for more goodness…

Yesterday in session we talked a little about this weekend and what connection looked like.

We talked about what it would look like to write about something that wasn’t work, but yet very uplifting and healing in a “resting” kind of way.

This morning, I woke up to an email from my therapist, with connecting thoughts, reflecting words about the great hard work this past week has been about. Words with some goodness and some thoughts about our work and going forward, and also wanting to know how my Saturday morning was.

It was very uplifting – but then, sitting at my desk, I looked out the window for a moment, and I just CRIED! I cried, and I had no idea where in the world the tears came from!

It was as if this email I got this morning hit the “release valve button” and out came feelings I didn’t even realize I had this morning – almost like what happened this past Tuesday.

I woke up, feeling strong! I got 12 hours of sleep last night, fell asleep once the storms calmed down, with laptop in my lap (working on a blog writing that I never ended up finishing) – I felt like I had more energy to go forward and do something great this morning! I had no idea what was about to come.

The words this morning was almost as if I was given the OK to say what I need to say, but not trying to be so strong. Feel how I feel and not trying to be so strong.

As I sat here and cried, I thought about my writing. I have never sat with my blog and talked about the feelings I am having “IN” the moment.

I may write about something I did and what the outcome was. I may write about my strength and how every piece of work I do gives me a foothold. I may write about good thoughts I have, or I will write about what I see coming for me, and how I am truly walking the path towards me – strong strong strong!

– But rarely have I sat here and written “this is how I feel right now” – true and raw.

This morning I think was a release of the hard week I had. I am constantly on the go, working hard in my healing, volunteering my time at the church, trying to make time for church mass during the week, running here and there for people, being with hard wounds in my blog writing, working for an organization for trauma victims, being a mom, a wife, not having much time for me, not sleeping well all week (breathe).

This morning, reading that email of support telling me “it’s OK to open up about what is there even in your blog”.. it just turned that valve and out came all that I felt inside from this past week, and it gave me the OK to write about it in this very moment.

The girl behind the blog had tears. She’s not feeling as strong as she thought this morning, but it’s OK. I am learning more and more that when I honor my emotions like I did this past Tuesday in session, that is gives me room for goodness – just as it did this morning.

Right now, I feel a little more room, and maybe I can take that room and go do something for myself. I can take that room and fill it with stuff that makes me happy (spending time with my boys, going out with a friend to get a pedicure, maybe go the mall and buy a cute shirt, or maybe go to the park, and sit and enjoy the beautiful weather, maybe go to dinner with Tim tonight) – maybe I can do ALL of those things.

It makes room for me to be connected, it makes room for me to be whatever it is I want to be. I think that email served a purpose, a good purpose! I am surrounded by wonderful people, and although I cried and feel sad, it’s OK because it’s truth!

I cried this morning, for me.. and it was OK

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the sunspots . .

I have had this story in drafts for months! I have waited for the perfect time to share this part of my story. Tonight it feels right – tonight I post another part of my story.

Tonight it feels right on the heels of writing something so hard last night – to now write about something so graceful.

There are only 3 people in my life who know about the “sunspots” story from my childhood, and what that means to me even today as an adult.

The only 3 people who truly hold this close to their heart as a part of my story, is my therapist, my dear friend Tracy, and GOD. I have never opened up about this before.

It was so sacred to me, that I never shared it with my own kids, or my husband. I don’t think anyone could possibly understand the depths of what this meant to me as a child, and how it saved my life.

This is where I “met God”.

I think the reason I have never really shared the full story about this, is because it was the only thing in my life that brought me relief from the pain I was in. I shared a little but about it in small bits before – but never the full story!

I felt if I told anyone the whole story about the sunspots, it would take away the glory of it – that it would disappear.

When I came across this photo of the little girl lying in the sunspots, I lost my breath entirely for a moment! It took my breath away because it reminded me of the only thing in my childhood that was painless, and filled with God’s love. It took my breath away because it looked just like me as a child, and this is exactly what I did – I raised my hands up to feel the warmth of God’s love!

When I was as early as 5 years old, I would sneak downstairs to the living room while everyone was sleeping, and I would find the sunspots on the floor, or in the chair. I would go crawl into them, and feel the warmth of the sun. I would lay there and sometimes sleep, but a lot of the times I would lay there and pray. It felt like a hug, a warm hug, and filled with joy and happiness.

I felt this sense of peace and comfort, and I felt that is where God met me. No matter what pain I endured, I always knew I could meet God in the sunspots. The funny part in this? when it was cloudy, I would say “God is busy today helping someone else out”. I always knew the sun would come back.

I did this throughout my life – as a teen – even as a young adult and I will open and honestly say even today as an older adult.

If I am going through a hard time, and spot the sun on the floor, I will go lay in it, and I will feel the warmth, and just lay there, think, and pray to God. I sometimes will nap on the floor in that warmth, just to let the hurt and sadness out, and let the goodness and god’s grace in.

It truly makes me feel comfort and I today truly believe that is where God meets us. I always believed that God is in the sun, it’s his love shining on us through warmth and comfort.

There weren’t many places for me to go as a child. I lived in constant fear and anguish and anticipating the daily abuse I endured, or about to endure. I held onto the little things I could find; it’s all I had to survive emotionally.

I truly believed that this was my gift from God when I was little. It was almost as if god was saying to me “I know people are hurting you, but meet me here, and I will bring you joy and comfort.” It was like God saying to me “meet me in the sunspots, I promise I will be there“.

Today I will search for them once in a while, not too often – or I will be doing something around the house, and I will see a sunspot and smile, just smile big knowing that GOD is there, he is always there.

One of my biggest risks was sharing this in therapy; it was the first time I opened up about something so sacred. I took the risk not knowing if it would take away the one thing I held onto. It meant THAT much to me. My therapist absolutley LOVED the story, he wanted to experience it.

We made a session one day around the time that the sun would be shining into his room, and to my surprise he wanted to experience it! So, we pushed the chairs and the table over, and left a big open space near the window, and opened the blinds just a little bit facing downward – and there it was – on the floor, a perfect big sunspot!

We both picked our spot on the floor and just lyed there, and I said “OK? SO? do you feel it?” – He felt it, he was amazed by the feeling of the warmth and the love of God in that moment, it was quiet and peaceful  – he knew at that point why it was so sacred to me. He knew and respected my story so much more, and how that was my survival growing up.

That was a huge part of my healing – letting someone into the space that wasn’t just about the hardship, but was also about the glory and the good that I found in the trauma I went through.

I have to admit, At first I wasn’t sure about sharing it in that room. I hold this close to my heart as being something that was truly mine, but then it felt good to share something and have someone else hold that good part of my past. It was nice to have someone understand where I found my way of living through the abuse.

This was all I had to look forward to as a child – meeting God in prayer with a hug.

Sharing this story brings together another huge part of my story to be told. It’s a way for me to express that even in the really hard times I went through, God gave me strength to meet him and believe. He gave me something to hold onto; to get through the life I was going through.

Today, was one of those days that I saw a sunspot in my house in my office, and I took a moment and just got onto the floor and just laid there on the floor – it reminded me that even if I am not going through a hard time at the moment, that I can still “meet” God anytime I want to. He’s always there.

As I laid there, I smiled! I said quietly “I know it’s been a while, but I haven’t forgotten”.

I have tears writing this right now, because I have been so open in my blog in the past month; to help this healing journey I have been on.

I have tears in this moment because I don’t think anyone could possible understand that this is the one and ONLY thing I had as a child, that kept me alive – that kept me going – knowing God was there no matter what.

Imagine how powerful that was to a child, and how powerful that is even today.

I don’t doubt for one moment that God met me there. It gave me strength to get through the abuse, and the hard times. I am truly blessed that I had that.

So if your ever in darkness, and you feel you need to find Gods love and warmth – find a sunspot, lay in it, and “meet him” there.

 

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