the grace in letting go

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It’s not easy to let go of something; especially when I feel so strongly about my convictions!

It took me years of therapy and a lot of work to learn how to stand to something that is right and true when I have been wronged or hurt.

I never knew how to stand up for my rights, or to anyone in my life before. I never knew how to allow myself anger when I felt anger. I never knew how to allow myself emotions when something has hurt me- and I did!

Learning how to own all of these things is just as hard as letting it go. It’s learning that it’s not a step back, it’s a step forward.

Learning how to let go of something once we grab a hold of it is extremely hard, because we want so much to keep standing in that empowerment – but there is a time to when you have to let go in the truth you stand by and let that be enough.

Today in session I allowed myself to let go of something and realized how much room it made for something else. When I allowed myself to let go of what has been holding me down for a year, there was something beautiful on the other side –  a path in front of me, and a hand to hold, and ears to hear.

My therapist said “lets go! lets go down the path together, all you have to do is accept” .. and I realized in order to take his hand and go down the path that is made for me and my healing – I needed to let go of what’s been sitting me down.

It took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go”

My therapist and I took a small walk on that new path today, and I found how more open I was to hear, feel, and be. I found myself having tears that came out of nowhere and for the first time in almost a year, the tears were around understanding and meaning vs something that just didn’t make sense.

Just as hard as it was to learn to own my feelings, it was just as hard to know when to let go of the things that need letting go of. When you have done all you can do and you are standing in that truth, sometimes you just have to let that be enough.

Let it be enough that you have people who support you and love you. Let it be enough that the things that don’t have an answer – don’t need an answer, it just needs letting go. Once I was able to see that, it became clearer, I became open, and even felt lighter in my self.

I have also learned that letting go doesn’t mean you have given up, it doesn’t mean it holds any less meaning, or change any of the truth – it just means that that it’s enough to be where you are, an to let it go – and I have.

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”  Ann Landers

So today I took a path not into the unknown, but a path to what I do know; a path I have always known and been on – but I just got a little lost for a while.

I came home from session today, kicked off my shoes, threw my hair up, put on some jeans and a sweater and plopped myself on the couch and decided that in this letting go, there is also time for me. I have sat here now for 3 hours doing nothing but allowing myself to be open for new things (even giving myself time when I need time to just be).

I am so grateful that my therapist held out his hand today and said “lets just GO, lets go down the path” .. I just needed to accept it – and I did!

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handing it over to be held…

For years in therapy my therapist has always said to me before leaving sessions “just leave everything you’re holding here with me, I will hold onto it. You just go and be!

Ok what? What does that even mean?

Sometimes I would get so frustrated thinking, “yes that is easier said than done if you’re not holding what I am holding”.

Friday before leaving my session, I went over to my therapist with a hug and said “ok, here we go, I am leaving some of it with you”; I just want a peaceful weekend filled with goodness! I want to BE, I want to feel peace inside! I want to be free! I want to have a weekend filled with grace, filled with goodness”. I handed it over through the hug – literally!

I said all of this with excitement, and at one point had tears in my eyes because I wanted it that much! I wanted to know what it was like to let someone else “hold” something for me, so I could go be. I wanted to understand it and experience that.

On the heels of a great session Friday in the “celebration and accomplishment”, I wanted to leave something there.

Needless to say, he was shocked and excited; He has been trying to get me to leave a little that I hold inside for years now!

I never knew what that meant. I never was able to understand how to let someone else hold something for me, and leave whatever I hold deep inside with someone else.

I never knew what it meant to let God hold some of it for me. My thought inside was always (God has enough to hold), again not giving myself any worth.

Sometimes I would write things down on paper, fold them up and put them in my “hope box” on the desk. I made that box to put things inside of it to remind me of where I am, and where I want to be, so when I look at it later, it’s there to show me what I once wanted or thought of.

I even have one at home, to hold little things I think about on a whim. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I sat up in bed, I looked around, and I almost didn’t want to disappoint the plan of letting myself just be. I got out of bed slowly, trying not to wake the hardness, or the emotions I hold inside, or even 2 O’clock. I almost was scared because for once I wanted to get it right!

I stood there in my room, getting ready for my day, and took deep breaths to not allow anything to come into my space unless it was grace, peace, connection, or goodness.

I even wrote something for a creative writing course yesterday morning, and was challenged, because I didn’t want that to create anything inside that would bring me back into those emotions that sometimes stir up when I write something.

Last night I got a wonderful email that reminded me – “Go and be. Live and love. Rest, work, play or write, connect, reach out when you want to. This is your weekend; I am holding everything for you”.

Honestly? I didn’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to BE. I know how to work hard, I know how to figure out, I know how to work around; come up with ways to move through this healing journey I am on – but to be by letting someone else hold it?

I have tried time and time again to give myself that peace and goodness over the weekends when I don’t have any obligations to fulfill. I have tried giving myself that must needed rest in my soul – sometimes successful, sometimes not – but never have I handed it over to someone to hold before.

I decided this weekend that I was going to say NO if I didn’t want to do something, and YES if I truly wanted something.

Yesterday, everyone in the house was gone, so I went shopping for a little while, I wrote some emails, wrote a few poems that I thought of, I went for a drive with the windows down and listened to my favorite band “Fleetwood mac”. I spent some time reading the bible, and some passages that give me grace and fulfillment. I spent some time talking to my sister on the phone, just wanting to hear her voice.

I think I am actually getting the idea of letting someone else hold it for me… and let me be free from it, even if for one day.

A Lot of the times I almost would get frustrated with my therapist when I was told to leave everything with him. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? How do you take your pain and emotions and leave it with someone, or leave it in the room? – I think I get it now.

Today, I am sitting here in my writing room, I just got home from church, and I am filled with God’s love and grace. I spent time with people I love at church; my heart is filled with some love to help give me strength to go forward.

I won’t lie; 2 O’clock is lingering close today, and it did come yesterday – It’s my life and what I go through every day waiting to pounce on me and make me feel things I don’t want to feel – but at least I am letting it be held by someone else, even for just a little while.

During mass today, I looked up at the cross and actually said “God you know my heart, you know the hard work I am doing, if anything, at least hold it for me today, so I can have strength going forward”. – I have never asked God of that before, thinking he was too busy for me.

So, tomorrow I pick it back up, I heal and move forward in my path and journey – I open my timeline – I open my heart and my strength again – but for now, I am with grace and peace, and I feel content and connected.

In this very moment, even if it changes, I can feel the breeze outside coming through my window, and for now that feels good and peaceful.


If your holding something, and you just want to be free from it, try writing something on a piece of paper, fold it up small so it’s contained, and put it in a little box. Let the box hold it even if it’s just for a little while. Free yourself from that one thing you dont want to hold, and when you need to, pick it up again and work with it knowing you have more strength to hold it and work with it.

 

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“a child of God”

 Have you ever heard a song that just touched you so much, that it helped you in times of weakness?

I have one of those songs that I listen to when I need strength, and to be reminded of where I am, and what I am moving towards in this healing.

That special song for me is sang by a “local” singer in Woodstock, Anna Kay Toms. She used to sing at “The Serene Bean” at open mic night a while back ago before that place closed up.

(I posted a link to this song at the bottom for you to hear)

This song changed me in so many ways, and even today I find myself putting the song in, and just basking in it’s goodness. This song no matter what I am feeling, just has a way to make me smile and know that I am OK.

4 years ago I walked into “The Serene Bean” in Woodstock, and the place was packed! I was one year into my therapy, and I was having a rough night that night. I was going through some emotional stages that were new for me, and I remember that night going to the Serene Bean – never did I think that I would walk out feeling lifted and filled with hope.

Anna Kay Toms was playing “open mic night” and I found myself just sitting in the corner chair drinking a coffee. I heard this amazing voice and sang this song called “Child of God”, and when I heard that song, I had tears fill my eyes up, and my heart was racing!

Every word had a meaning to me. Every bit of that song was about healing, and a journey to heal. It was about getting through a tough time, and knowing that no matter what tough time you are going through, you will always be a “child of God”.

They gave away free Cd’s that night to those who went and heard her sing. I grabbed a CD and got in the car. I put the CD in right away, and I fell in love with every song.

She was only a local singer, but she made a CD from a studio she rented. She does the piano as well when she sings. I must have worn out that CD, because I listened to the it over and over and over.

Something about that one song “Child of God” just tugged at me, and now even to this day, that song helps me through harder emotional days; where I need to be reminded who I am, and where I am going in this journey.

I was given the OK to make copies of the CD, and I gave them to a lot of my friends. I even gave this one song to my Therapist to hear, and he was all over it – he loved it and what it meant – it was that BEAUTIFUL. It was all about the beliefs I have in my journey to heal.

Believe it or not, I later became good friends with Anna Kay Toms. I would always go and see her sing at the “BEAN” before it closed down.

If you are going through a tough time, or having a hard time finding yourself in your journey, or losing some hope – no matter what it is – listen to this song and just soak it in.

It brings tears to my eyes every time.. it means a lot to me in this journey I am on, and the words touch my heart!

This afternoon I put this song on in my car, and I listened to it 2-3 times on my way to my therapy session.

When I walked into session, I felt whole again – I felt I was recharged and knew the path was clear for me again after having a hard weekend – I felt “connected”. I mentioned that I was listening to “child of God” and he knew right away, that when I listen to that song, I need goodness and a recharge.

It’s a beautiful song, and I hope it does for you; what it did for me.

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Child of God

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