the temporary path – the road less traveled

I have always viewed my healing journey, my healing path as a road that goes forward with a few detours on the side. There are times I am going straight on the path, and there have been times when out of no-where, I was detoured off my path – and OH how frustrating can that be! Or maybe it doesn’t have to be a frustrating struggle; rather seen and looked at as a path less traveled to heal bigger wounds. Maybe instead of seeing these struggles as detours, maybe its more of a temporary path to – where I can breathe a little; getting to understand my footpath a little better. The past week or so I have really struggled with connection and feeling grounded to self and those around me and I have felt so frustrated about it. “Why am I projecting?” “why am I struggling to be connected to those around me?” “why do I feel so disconnected?” .. I haven’t felt like this in such a long time and boy does it feel horrible! But as I […]

Continue Reading

my journey to healing

This month marks 8 years that I have walked this amazing path of healing in therapy with a wonderful wisdom filled therapist. It hasn’t been an easy 8 years, but it has been a liberating life changing 8 years. 8 years ago, I drove my car up this long and winding mountain side road heading towards this place I would spend the next 8 years discovering all the parts of me I never knew before. I remember this day like it was yesterday, but never did I think I would endure a journey quite like this. This journey that I have been on for 8 years has been life changing for me on so many levels. It hasn’t always been easy, and my healing certainly took some really hard roads along the way, but that is where I believe I grew stronger. One of the things that I have learned in therapy is that, healing is not just about healing the past, but more so it’s about walking along side of your past to meet you where you are today. […]

Continue Reading

healing takes time

When I walked into therapy almost 6 years ago, never did I think it would be years and years of work and that I would be in this place 6 years later. I thought I would walk into this mystery place of healing, talk about my story, find out what was wrong with me, find a way to heal and away I go into the world where I came from – with just a little less walls and pain. Here I am, 6 years later and I am discovering more and more about how deep my wounds were or still are. I am still breaking down walls I never knew I had. I had walls around walls and I didn’t even realize how thick they were, or how much pain was behind them. When I began therapy I was SO afraid I would become dependent of the process and in the process. I was frantic of becoming dependent on my therapist or the process of therapy. I grew up taking care of me, and I was too afraid to allow someone else into my little […]

Continue Reading

the change within

I have spent the past year, the past couple of months, the past couple of weeks being so angry, hurt and frustrated around something that that I let have power over me; but deep inside came to realize had no power over me – I just didn’t see it. Today in session my therapist made me realize something and it changed me. The power of his words changed me so much that I took a deep breath in of empowerment, held it for a few moments and then I let the breath out and it felt good! It changed me so much that I realized I am the change, and I can’t change something that won’t, and I certainly can’t sit around trying to find answers to something that just. doesn’t. make. sense. I dont know why this past year happened, I dont have the answers, I dont have the reason, I dont have the understanding, but what I do have is the power to heal and move forward. I have the power to change ME inside and move away […]

Continue Reading

{ connection } the light to my path

Tonight I am sitting here and things are becoming clearer. I feel more connected tonight than I have in weeks. I always have believed that “connection” is what serves a great path to my healing. Today I was reminded of that connection. I was reminded that nothing has changed in this hard place I was in. Nothing has changed in the support, care or love – it’s there, I just need to accept it and have trust in it. Sometimes I need to be reminded when I get lost in the hardness. I have realized over the years in therapy that connection is the light to my path. Each step I take in my healing, lights the path to go forward. I spent a lot of my life in disconnection. Disconnection from myself and others. I was always a quiet and reserved person. I was shy and I retreated to myself a lot – until recently. I have learned in my 5 years of therapy that there is a whole world out there wanting to be connected. I learned that […]

Continue Reading

thoughts before bed . . .

One of my favorite things to do before bed is to pick a prayer from the bible and find meaning in it that pertains to my healing, and how I can grow and move through it with more strength. Tonight, as I snuggled up in bed under the blankets, I picked up the “gather book” that I got from the church. I read from Psalms which has always been my favorite of all readings in the bible, and what I read tonight was: PSALMS 16:11 – You will show me the path to life. Fullness of joys in your presence, the delights at your right hand forever. My therapist connected with me later this afternoon/evening and we talked about what it would look like tomorrow to tear down the walls in the very moment, connect, and talk with no reservation. What path do I want for me, and how do I go about accepting those around me to make that happen? I smiled, and it felt like an invitation to another part of my healing. When I cried earlier this morning in […]

Continue Reading

accompishment and celebration

Today was about accomplishment and celebration in my healing. Today was one of my favorite days in this journey I have been on; regardless of still feeling sad and weak. For years in my healing, when I have gone through something hard to the point of feeling really weak and I don’t want to admit it – I tend to run off, hide and lick my own wounds. Sometimes, I care so much about my damn independence that I won’t let people help when I feel REALLY weak. I have gone into disconnection because of it in the past, and that sometimes leads to “tension” in my work, and the people around me. I also tend to get very defensive when I am not feeling as strong. I will try and make people mad with me so that they won’t have to support me in my “rougher moments”. I tend to feel guilty when I feel weak and have the need for support, so I run and rather take care of it on my own. The feeling of need scares me, and sometimes I […]

Continue Reading

back towards my path . . .

There are moments in my work in therapy that we call “sitting’. Some people may call it “stuck” or “plateau” but I like to call it sitting. Being stuck reminds me too much of the past and how they had control over me. Sitting for me means “being in the hard”; “In the weakness”. I have had a tough week and a half. Ever since I opened up the wound to my surfaced emotions, It’s been hard to close that wound shut, to go onto the next wound. The many emotions that I have been experiencing in the past week have been so hard and raw, that I had no choice but to “sit”. I had no choice but to sit in the weakness. Today when I was in session, I looked over at my timeline book which sits on top of my hope box on the desk. I noticed it had a few small papers on it, and maybe even collecting a little dust. I thought in that moment “this is what I am doing, I am sitting, and all these old messages are collecting on top […]

Continue Reading