the temporary path – the road less traveled

LESSPATHI have always viewed my healing journey, my healing path as a road that goes forward with a few detours on the side.

There are times I am going straight on the path, and there have been times when out of no-where, I was detoured off my path – and OH how frustrating can that be!

Or maybe it doesn’t have to be a frustrating struggle; rather seen and looked at as a path less traveled to heal bigger wounds.

Maybe instead of seeing these struggles as detours, maybe its more of a temporary path to – where I can breathe a little; getting to understand my footpath a little better.

The past week or so I have really struggled with connection and feeling grounded to self and those around me and I have felt so frustrated about it. “Why am I projecting?” “why am I struggling to be connected to those around me?” “why do I feel so disconnected?” .. I haven’t felt like this in such a long time and boy does it feel horrible!

But as I worked through my struggles today in not feeling so connected, I realized something! I realized that maybe this is the temporary path – not a detour. Maybe this is where God is telling me “hey, take this path for a while, you have been working so hard on this one path for months and months now, its time to take this path less traveled, take a seat on the rock and give yourself some time to breath and understand what is here, because for some reason, it’s here and it’s important to understand its presence.

If I don’t stop to pay attention to what is here, I may miss out on something so very important to heal.

As my therapist would say, this is where we slow down, pay attention, take time to really be with what is here – don’t run past it because it’s a struggle, slow down and look at the struggle.

Normally when we are up against a struggle or feel troubled, we are eager to run past it as fast as we can, because no one likes to feel disconnected – no one likes to feel troubled inside, so we do all we can to run past it as quick as we can to move to a more tangible feeling that we can handle.

But maybe that is where the wounds don’t heal. Maybe running past these  moments of struggle and disconnection only makes them come back even stronger!

The one thing I do know from being on this journey for 8 1/2 years now is, no matter how many detours or hard obstacles I have come up against on this journey, I have always met the path on the other side! The road I began will always continue to be there, me going off the path to a path less traveled doesn’t mean I am lost or have fallen off my path, it just means that somewhere in the healing, I will meet the path back up where I will be stronger and more knowing of the struggle that I faced.

So, as I sit here this evening feeling a little disconnected and frustrated that I don’t understand why I am feeling this disconnect I have been feeling the past week or so, I will look at this as the temporary path – the path that God paved for me so that I can slow down and heal whatever is here – a slower path to where I can gain some strength and understanding so that I can meet up and continue with the road I have ben journeying or so long!

These side roads are needed …. and I think I am finally beginning to understand that. Just because I had to take a side road off my path, doesn’t mean the path my journey is on has stopped, it continues just like me and this amazing road I continue to travel.

So I trust, and I gather my support with me along on this temporary path and I keep walking forward, slowing down to understand what is here and what needs to be healed, and allow myself to be the way I need to be on this path even if it means not being as strong – but being the ME I need to be.

So my path continues ……….

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my journey to healing

6c0464f38780ca646670f362a30d2924This month marks 8 years that I have walked this amazing path of healing in therapy with a wonderful wisdom filled therapist.

It hasn’t been an easy 8 years, but it has been a liberating life changing 8 years.

8 years ago, I drove my car up this long and winding mountain side road heading towards this place I would spend the next 8 years discovering all the parts of me I never knew before.

I remember this day like it was yesterday, but never did I think I would endure a journey quite like this.

This journey that I have been on for 8 years has been life changing for me on so many levels. It hasn’t always been easy, and my healing certainly took some really hard roads along the way, but that is where I believe I grew stronger.

One of the things that I have learned in therapy is that, healing is not just about healing the past, but more so it’s about walking along side of your past to meet you where you are today.

You can’t heal your past, you can’t fix it, nor can you change what happened – but you can welcome it to where you are today so that you can live forward.

A couple of years ago my healing hit a really hard wall, and for the past year or so I have really been going through a hard hard time with self isolation.

This past year has been one of the hardest years I have ever been through, but because of this amazing 8 years on this healing journey, I have faith and hope that I will take all that I worked through and apply it to help move me out of this hard place I have been in.

It’s because of the 8 years I have been working with my amazing therapist that I trust and know that I will move out of this hard place and not only will I move out of this hard place, but I will move out of it healing more wounds that I covered for so long. Sometimes it takes a really hard place to bring out the deepest of wounds.

I can’t say enough amazing words about my therapist of 8 years now. When I first walked into therapy, I was behind so many walls that I didn’t even know who I was. He carefully took my hand and slowly pulled me out from behind this wall and showed me what true safe connection was, and the possibility of life before me.

My therapist – he is this wisdom filled inspiring person who has really guided me through this very hard path in a safe, loving, trusting, and connecting way.

I admire him and look up to him for the wisdom he has helped me to find in my own self and healing. He is such a good person with a big heart and really listens beyond the ears of hearing.

I am blessed that God sent me this amazing person I have walked this path with, and continue to take healing steps out of this hard place and into the life I know is possible for me.

Therapy is a hard process, but a healing process if you just walk into it knowing that you are not going to change what has happened or fix it, but that you are going to find a way to accept what it is that has happened, but finding YOU in the middle of it to become the person God intended you to be.

Every day I am getting closer and closer to the other side of this hard place I have been in this past year, and I trust I will find my way out of this hard isolation I have been in – BECAUSE of the 8 years I have seen the healing happening within.

I wont’ lie, there are days I struggle hard with not knowing if I will ever move out of this hard place that I have been in this past year, but looking back at all the hard roads I have conquered and overcome – I know I will move out of it. I trust I will move out of it.

It’s true what they say, healing is not an overnight process, it’s not a destination, there is no time frame for healing – it’s a change within that happens along side of the healing.

Healing is not just made up of  a therapy room with me and my therapist.. healing is about everyone coming together. It’s therapy, me, my therapist, God, connection, my family, my friends, and those who surround me with love, support and connection. Healing is made up of all those things.

Patience and trust are the 2 things I carry with me every day in this process… not always easy, but needed in order to move forward.

I am blessed for these past 8 years and for my therapist who has walked this journey with me..  and I will continue to look forward as I heal, without a time frame or expectation in mind, but rather knowing I am becoming the person I was intended to be – who God intended me to be.

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healing takes time

0814615236When I walked into therapy almost 6 years ago, never did I think it would be years and years of work and that I would be in this place 6 years later.

I thought I would walk into this mystery place of healing, talk about my story, find out what was wrong with me, find a way to heal and away I go into the world where I came from – with just a little less walls and pain.

Here I am, 6 years later and I am discovering more and more about how deep my wounds were or still are. I am still breaking down walls I never knew I had. I had walls around walls and I didn’t even realize how thick they were, or how much pain was behind them.

When I began therapy I was SO afraid I would become dependent of the process and in the process. I was frantic of becoming dependent on my therapist or the process of therapy. I grew up taking care of me, and I was too afraid to allow someone else into my little safe world.

I remember a couple of weeks into therapy and saying to my therapist “the day I become dependent on you is the day I will never show up again“. We laugh about that all the time. I remember my therapist standing there with this smile on his face, and then the smile going away when he realized I wasn’t joking; I was truly fearful of becoming dependent.

“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.” – Rachel Naomi Remen

As I sit here coming up on the 6th year anniversary of walking into my place of healing – I am proud of the process I have taken. I am proud that I am still here and allowing myself to accept this process of healing. I am proud that I show up many times a week because that is honoring me.

This is not about showing up for my therapist, for my husband, for my friends, or even for God, this is for me and the chance to go give myself life; the life I never had in being able to open up my wounds and let them be seen to heal.

I work hard in healing. My therapist and I work very hard together, and there is no longer that shame that covers me.

I have come to a place that I believe I deserve this. I suffered so much pain as a child, and this is my time to heal – no matter how long the process, no matter how many times I walk into therapy a week, no matter how many times I connect with my support, no matter how many emails I may write to those I reach out to – a part of me finally feels that I deserve it, and it took me a long time to say those words, or to accept it inside.

I dont depend on the process, it depends on me! it needs me to be there in order to heal, and I am here.

I dont think about when therapy will end,  I don’t think about the healing process time frame. I don’t think about those things at all – I think about taking a step each day and what that step looks like.

I have never quit once, or walked away from this wonderful gift God has given me. Have I been challenged? heck yes!  Have I wanted to quit at times because of how hard it was,  well maybe once or twice.. but I am no quitter and I will continue to walk this path that was given to me.

Whether I am in therapy for another 6 years, or 2 years or 1 year – it’s a process of time and healing and I will take that time for me, and only God knows when I am ready, and when I am ready, he will lead me to the path he has set out for me – but right now this is my path and I am walking it.

During this process of healing I am also taking steps in the big ole world along side of it. I don’t only live to heal, I heal to live. I am out in the big world using what I work hard through in therapy and apply it to every little step I take each day.

This past year has been incredibly hard on me, and the healing process has been derailed from time to time; taking me off the path I was on – but in that hard process of this past year came many walls that I never knew I had. I may have been derailed, but I have always been on the path to healing.

So as I sit here today writing, thinking of my soon 6 year milestone in my healing process, I am smiling! I am so proud to be on this journey of healing. I am so lucky to have a wonderful place that feels safe again. I am so lucky to have a great therapist who taught me so much about not seeing connection, love and support as a dependency – but rather something I deserved for me.

How much time it takes isn’t the question – it’s about what I am learning along the way and accepting that “this is my time to heal, it’s my time to live”.

So the next time your wondering “how long will this healing take?”.. don’t think about “when” think about “what you are doing for yourself”, and let the healing continue.

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