the grace in letting go

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It’s not easy to let go of something; especially when I feel so strongly about my convictions!

It took me years of therapy and a lot of work to learn how to stand to something that is right and true when I have been wronged or hurt.

I never knew how to stand up for my rights, or to anyone in my life before. I never knew how to allow myself anger when I felt anger. I never knew how to allow myself emotions when something has hurt me- and I did!

Learning how to own all of these things is just as hard as letting it go. It’s learning that it’s not a step back, it’s a step forward.

Learning how to let go of something once we grab a hold of it is extremely hard, because we want so much to keep standing in that empowerment – but there is a time to when you have to let go in the truth you stand by and let that be enough.

Today in session I allowed myself to let go of something and realized how much room it made for something else. When I allowed myself to let go of what has been holding me down for a year, there was something beautiful on the other side –  a path in front of me, and a hand to hold, and ears to hear.

My therapist said “lets go! lets go down the path together, all you have to do is accept” .. and I realized in order to take his hand and go down the path that is made for me and my healing – I needed to let go of what’s been sitting me down.

It took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go”

My therapist and I took a small walk on that new path today, and I found how more open I was to hear, feel, and be. I found myself having tears that came out of nowhere and for the first time in almost a year, the tears were around understanding and meaning vs something that just didn’t make sense.

Just as hard as it was to learn to own my feelings, it was just as hard to know when to let go of the things that need letting go of. When you have done all you can do and you are standing in that truth, sometimes you just have to let that be enough.

Let it be enough that you have people who support you and love you. Let it be enough that the things that don’t have an answer – don’t need an answer, it just needs letting go. Once I was able to see that, it became clearer, I became open, and even felt lighter in my self.

I have also learned that letting go doesn’t mean you have given up, it doesn’t mean it holds any less meaning, or change any of the truth – it just means that that it’s enough to be where you are, an to let it go – and I have.

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”  Ann Landers

So today I took a path not into the unknown, but a path to what I do know; a path I have always known and been on – but I just got a little lost for a while.

I came home from session today, kicked off my shoes, threw my hair up, put on some jeans and a sweater and plopped myself on the couch and decided that in this letting go, there is also time for me. I have sat here now for 3 hours doing nothing but allowing myself to be open for new things (even giving myself time when I need time to just be).

I am so grateful that my therapist held out his hand today and said “lets just GO, lets go down the path” .. I just needed to accept it – and I did!

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5 minute friday – goodbye

Five minute Friday we bloggers write for five minutes flat on Fridays.

We set a timer, throw caution to the winds and try to remember what it was like to just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

write for 5 minutes, no back-drafting, no editing – today’s word is: Goodbye

 

Start: When I saw the word “goodbye” the first thing I thought about was how tough it was to let go of the 5 year old child that resided inside of me.

The 5 year old child that I held onto – her story, her pain, her truth, her beautiful spirit.

I have held onto the 5 year old child inside of me for a long long time. I held her close because all I knew how to do was to pretect her; protect myself in holing all that truth inside of what she endured.

Today I am releasing that truth. Today I am finding ways to let go more of “her” so I can see more of “me”.

It’s never easy to say goodbye to something that you have held onto for so long.

When you spend a lifetime protecting that child inside because of the abuse she went through; it’s heart breaking to think that you have to let that part of you go – to see the you that was growing inside all these years.

Letting go of someone that you hold inside is just as painful as someone dying in your life today. Letting go of the child inside of you is filled with grief and pain, sorrow and guilt, and a sadness I dont know how to explain.

What I do know is, although letting go is hard; it’s also healing. Letting go and saying goodbye to “her” is allowing myself to emerge and come to full truth about who I was, and who I want to be, and who I am today!

Saying goodbye to that part of me, is allowing myself to grow and learn, and it also allows me to grieve what I have been through. Grieving what I went through is a process of letting her go – it’s giving her life to being able to tell her truth, so she can die, so I can live.

The more and more I let her go and say goodbye to her pain, the more I am learning about myself every day in this journey to heal.

It’s hard and painful, but I find that I am becoming this new person that is filled with hope and love that I never allowed myself to see or feel before.

I have learned that under the 5 year old girl, is a woman who is 40, a woman who is filled and bursting with LOVE and I am finding ways to express it through connection with others who love me back for me and not for what they want from me.

sometimes saying goodbye is hard, but also saying goodbye  means you are letting something else IN – and that is connection to others.

END

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the walls that once provided . . .

When I am dealing with too much than I can handle, I turn to old habits like building walls; emotional walls, like electric fences and barbwire’s!

Those walls served a great purpose in the past. It kept people out, and kept me from leaning in. It kept people at bay from me, and kept my emotions caved in.

It provided me a soft cusion, and kept me safe. It pushed even the good people away; while I survived it alone, day after day! The walls were the only thing I had my whole life.

Years of therapy has helped me take down all those walls! Many many walls have been taken down, and sometimes it can be scary.

I have now learned to think before building walls. My therapist always tells me “lean in” “reach out”, “connect” “you have support”. I have learned to turn to those things before building walls, but not without work and a lot of trust.

When things become too much inside like it has in the past couple of weeks; like things being thrown at me left and right – those are the times that old habits kick in, and I kick into survival mode, and I start slowly building!

I start building walls to not only protect myself from having emotions around it, but I also do it so that I don’t put burden onto others with all that I am holding inside that feels too much.

When it becomes too much inside for me at once, I start to think it’s too much for others; therefor I build walls.

When you have carried things your whole life on your own; you feel you have to do it alone. To hand it over to anyone else – it’s just too much for them, and then my self worth is on the line – and the rolling ball effect begins!

5 years of therapy, this technique of building walls is not working as well as it once did. Today was one of those moments that it just didn’t work, and for the first time, I noticed it, and started to “un-build” the walls as fast as I started to build them.

I went into session today with the walls already starting to be built just little. I have been holding a lot about my mom and other things that have been thrown at me that were least expected.

At first I felt myself becoming quiet, which is the start of the wall building. Then I started to get uncomfortable and that is the 2nd stage of wall building (giving myself a reason to build). Then I start to get defensive, which is the pushing away part of the wall building –  and slowly I actually felt myself doing it, and realized what it was I was doing!

I then got up, told Andy I needed a few moments alone, and went into the bathroom. I knew deep inside, I needed that space for a moment, and that it meant something.

I went into the bathroom, splashed cold water on my face, looked in the mirror and said “stop!” “no walls” “no silence” “lean in“. – “I am supported, I am cared for, and I dont need to do this alone! stop building the walls”.

I went back into the room, sat next to my therapist, and started talking, and talking and talking and talking and letting go for over 90 minutes straight! I broke down and let all my feelings, worries, concerns, burdens, grief, fears, and even some joys be let out into the room!

My therapist looked at me and said “do you know what you just did? You just stopped those walls from building, took control over it, and you right now, look as connected as I have seen you in weeks!

I realized today that those walls that once provided me relief, no longer provide me relief, but provide me more pain. If I had not broken down and talked about what I was carrying inside; my blog would be a whole different story today.

My blog would be about “holding” and “swallowing” what I have had inside since the weekend. I would have built walls and carried the grief about my mom alone. I would have tried to be strong and say “I can do this” when in real I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE! and I don’t have to!

Those old walls, made me do it alone, and slowly I am learning that I don’t have to do it alone! Each time I go through this little by little, I am learning that this is a journey filled with support, care and love – no walls are needed!

I don’t have to live behind the walls anymore, not even to protect others. Leaning in and reaching out for support when I need it is healing. I have said this before, but I am realizing that being weak, is almost powerful sometimes.

Much like Sunday, I am breathing today. I lifted the weight, I talked about it, I broke down, I had support, I had comfort, I had supporting words, and the best thing? I was told “you will get through this, and not alone”, and we figured it out!

I have a plan – we have a plan. I have ways to work around what is going on now. Things are slowly falling into place. I didn’t have to run home and retreat to figuring it out by myself, and there is no way that could have happened with walls.

I am grateful that today I saw what was happening. Just a year ago, I would have built those walls sky high to avoid the truth called emotions, and to protect others.

I am healing even when it hurts like hell, and that is good, because I know I will get through this – I don’t need any walls for me to see that.

I know that tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days after that – no matter what – I have support to help me through this hump I am going through right now, and that is more powerful than ANY wall I can build.

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