Its been quite a while since I have written in my blog – I am reminded of that every day when I see all those who still read my blog, and ask me “when are you going to write more about your therapy process and healing?”It warms my heart to know people out there miss reading the process of my journey.
Well I have decided to take that step again and begin writing again as I continue this amazing journey of healing I am still on. It will take a while to step back into the routine of writing about all that I have walked thru this year – the good, the hard, the struggles and yes, even the grace!
I thought I would begin with a small step back into it and see where the words lead me as I make this a part of my routine like it used to be. I have to admit, its vulnerable to step back into what was once my comfort.
For those who have asked, YES I am still in therapy and blessed to be so. I am still working along-side Andy, and have been now for 11 years. The journey in therapy has only gotten better – more trust, more openness, and the best part – more acceptance! I am truly blessed for all the wisdom and support and connection he brings to me and our work together! He has truly helped me thru many struggles this year (which I will share as I continue to write more in the coming days and weeks ahead).
I am finally at a place in my healing in therapy where I am open to the inner child within and working hard on her now that I accept that part of me is here. As you all know from my past writings It took me a long time to really accept that part of me. Andy has truly helped me to embrace that part of my healing and using that in all places of this healing journey, not only emotionally, but physically.
Go to where the silence is and say something
So for those who have asked how I am doing in my journey of healing, my answer to that is “its good, its hard, but its rewarding in many ways”.
I do have to say, taking a step back into the writing has been a huge challenge for me over the past year, so taking this step is (as my therapist would say) “A BIG DAMN DEAL” – so I hope this first step is what pushes me to share more of what I have been working thru, and how I have over-come many challenges and struggles I was faced with ion the past year or so.
My writing and this blog has truly helped me along the healing journey for many years, and I hope that I can continue to find the grace to do that, and to connect with others which has always been such a blessing.
So, as the subject line says, I am “Finding The Grace Again” .
Sometimes you need to step back into the familiar to step forward into the unfamiliar. Sometimes you need to find comfort in the old things to have confidence stepping into new things.
My blog theme is back to the one I had when I first started this blog 3 years ago, and I love its simplicity, style and grace. It makes me feel connected back to why I fell in love with writing on this blog and connecting with others.
When I changed the address and the name of my blog last week to “Finding The Grace Within” I was happy but something was missing and it felt empty and sad.
I found myself not wanting to write new blog posts since I moved it, and that made me sad. I even found myself not wanting to share my blog posts in therapy.
Tonight as I sat with it longer I realized what it was, I missed the old simplicity of my old blog from the very beginning and how much it made it feel like home to me – so I put up the old theme and I love it and I feel back at home in this comfort.
I think sometimes when we make so many changes and movements forward, we tend to feel a little lost in the newness, and for me that was found in my blog this weekend. I made a new name, a new address but something was missing, and that was comfort.
So I no longer have the neat photo animation that my other blog had, and it doesn’t have all the gadgets of cool graphics, but its simple and it reminds me of what the blog used to be for me when I felt safe and loved to write before last year happened.
AS I was setting the older look back up I felt a comfort, safety, grace and connection to it. it reminds me of where I am in healing right now, and maybe a part of healing is found in leaning back into the things that make us comfortable while still moving forward.
It’s been a long time since I have enjoyed writing in my blog again, and changing the look was just what I needed this weekend. it reminds me of how it used to be and where I began in using my voice to heal, and it also reminds me of the movements I am making forward as well.
Me and my therapist talked about this very thing in therapy Friday. We talked about how sometimes when we get so clustered in working on something hard, we tend to lose sight of the very things that were so great in the hard work and how much that defined what our work is together.
We both talked about how we should bring some of that old familiar back into the therapy room, and how that would help by leaning back on the old and move forward in the new.
I work so hard in therapy and in my everyday life that sometimes its nice to lean on the familiar. it just centers me sometimes and reminds me of where I was, where I am, and where I want to be.
Almost like an old comfortable blanket you love – it feels like the same thing.
I am sure for some of you this theme of the blog will look very familiar, and to some it will be new, but either way I hope you all like it’s simplicity and grace.
I look forward to writing again, it’s been a long time since I have been able to say that.
I am the type of person that works around “the familiar” – like routines, the way I do things are the ways that I heal, live, be and move through life.
In my healing, I look for the familiar to get me from one thing to the next. I look for all the things that fill me with strength.
This week has had it’s challenges of finding that familiar, and right when I thought I had it, I was pushed back yet again; leaving me with more work to do – does it ever end? (I say that with great frustration)
It seems that I can never catch a break and just breathe. I find myself trying to find the familiar of what worked before, and I go from there to find my path again.
Right now I am in that cycle of trying to find what works, what I can depend on working, and finding grace and hope through that.
I feel the wind has been knocked out of my sail again, and I am on the sidelines fixing something that I never created to begin with, while everyone else is out there sailing.
So here I am, again, trying to find the familiar of what worked before, so I can move forward. Finding hope, grace, faith, and the little things that make me who I am.
Connection is a huge part of this.. and I am trying to find the connection again as well, but it has been altered in the past week.. so I am trying to find that as well – it’s there, I just have to reach it and take a hold of it.
I do know this much, it will all work out – I trust the process of healing… I have learned this for many years.. I just have to keep in mind “patience it will pass” and “I can talk about anything”.
I have the most amazing support in my life, but even that feels a little distorted right now – but I know I will find the grace in all around me, and it will all come together again on my path that I am walking on and towards – this is just a rough patch in the road, and I trust that God will help repair it as I walk.
For years in therapy my therapist has always said to me before leaving sessions “just leave everything you’re holding here with me, I will hold onto it. You just go and be!
Ok what? What does that even mean?
Sometimes I would get so frustrated thinking, “yes that is easier said than done if you’re not holding what I am holding”.
Friday before leaving my session, I went over to my therapist with a hug and said “ok, here we go, I am leaving some of it with you”; I just want a peaceful weekend filled with goodness! I want to BE, I want to feel peace inside! I want to be free! I want to have a weekend filled with grace, filled with goodness”. I handed it over through the hug – literally!
I said all of this with excitement, and at one point had tears in my eyes because I wanted it that much! I wanted to know what it was like to let someone else “hold” something for me, so I could go be. I wanted to understand it and experience that.
On the heels of a great session Friday in the “celebration and accomplishment”, I wanted to leave something there.
Needless to say, he was shocked and excited; He has been trying to get me to leave a little that I hold inside for years now!
I never knew what that meant. I never was able to understand how to let someone else hold something for me, and leave whatever I hold deep inside with someone else.
I never knew what it meant to let God hold some of it for me. My thought inside was always (God has enough to hold), again not giving myself any worth.
Sometimes I would write things down on paper, fold them up and put them in my “hope box” on the desk. I made that box to put things inside of it to remind me of where I am, and where I want to be, so when I look at it later, it’s there to show me what I once wanted or thought of.
I even have one at home, to hold little things I think about on a whim. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
When I woke up yesterday morning, I sat up in bed, I looked around, and I almost didn’t want to disappoint the plan of letting myself just be. I got out of bed slowly, trying not to wake the hardness, or the emotions I hold inside, or even 2 O’clock. I almost was scared because for once I wanted to get it right!
I stood there in my room, getting ready for my day, and took deep breaths to not allow anything to come into my space unless it was grace, peace, connection, or goodness.
I even wrote something for a creative writing course yesterday morning, and was challenged, because I didn’t want that to create anything inside that would bring me back into those emotions that sometimes stir up when I write something.
Last night I got a wonderful email that reminded me – “Go and be. Live and love. Rest, work, play or write, connect, reach out when you want to. This is your weekend; I am holding everything for you”.
Honestly? I didn’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to BE. I know how to work hard, I know how to figure out, I know how to work around; come up with ways to move through this healing journey I am on – but to be by letting someone else hold it?
I have tried time and time again to give myself that peace and goodness over the weekends when I don’t have any obligations to fulfill. I have tried giving myself that must needed rest in my soul – sometimes successful, sometimes not – but never have I handed it over to someone to hold before.
I decided this weekend that I was going to say NO if I didn’t want to do something, and YES if I truly wanted something.
Yesterday, everyone in the house was gone, so I went shopping for a little while, I wrote some emails, wrote a few poems that I thought of, I went for a drive with the windows down and listened to my favorite band “Fleetwood mac”. I spent some time reading the bible, and some passages that give me grace and fulfillment. I spent some time talking to my sister on the phone, just wanting to hear her voice.
I think I am actually getting the idea of letting someone else hold it for me… and let me be free from it, even if for one day.
A Lot of the times I almost would get frustrated with my therapist when I was told to leave everything with him. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? How do you take your pain and emotions and leave it with someone, or leave it in the room? – I think I get it now.
Today, I am sitting here in my writing room, I just got home from church, and I am filled with God’s love and grace. I spent time with people I love at church; my heart is filled with some love to help give me strength to go forward.
I won’t lie; 2 O’clock is lingering close today, and it did come yesterday – It’s my life and what I go through every day waiting to pounce on me and make me feel things I don’t want to feel – but at least I am letting it be held by someone else, even for just a little while.
During mass today, I looked up at the cross and actually said “God you know my heart, you know the hard work I am doing, if anything, at least hold it for me today, so I can have strength going forward”. – I have never asked God of that before, thinking he was too busy for me.
So, tomorrow I pick it back up, I heal and move forward in my path and journey – I open my timeline – I open my heart and my strength again – but for now, I am with grace and peace, and I feel content and connected.
In this very moment, even if it changes, I can feel the breeze outside coming through my window, and for now that feels good and peaceful.
If your holding something, and you just want to be free from it, try writing something on a piece of paper, fold it up small so it’s contained, and put it in a little box. Let the box hold it even if it’s just for a little while. Free yourself from that one thing you dont want to hold, and when you need to, pick it up again and work with it knowing you have more strength to hold it and work with it.