patiently waiting . . .

One of the things that I have learned most in this journey of healing is that, “patience” is almost always the key to getting through the tougher moments.

This past week or so, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I have had moments of strength and weakness, strength in the weakeness, weakness in the strength, and sitting while still moving.

It certainly has been some of the toughest and challenging moments that I have had in a long time; with this past weekend being one of the toughest.

Last night I went through one of the hardest 2 O’clock’s that I have had in months! It was so hard that I felt so disconnected and beside myself. Even my husband saw how hard it was for me last night; he knew it was a bad one.

It’s been so long that 2 O’Clock has been that hard; that I almost forgot how to get through it. I kept saying to myself – “patience, it will pass”.

This morning on my way to church, tears found me again when I had thoughts of my mom and what I am going through right now in my healing, and I kept thinking to myself “patience, it will pass”.

While I was sitting in Mass at church, tears found me again during the mass, almost to the point of wanting to run out of the church because I felt it getting worse and worse trying to hide the tears from those sitting next to me, but I said in a silent prayer – “patience, it will pass”.

I allowed my tears to be seen in front of God and not run during the time we kneel after receiving the Eucharist. I don’t even have to say any words, God knows what I am feeling inside; he hears my silent prayers, and I hear “patience, it will pass”.

When I got home from church, I got into the most comfortable pair of jeans, a long button up white flowey type shirt, pulled my hair up into a bun, washed my face, bare feet, allowing myself to be as comfortable as I can, and I started to clean and organize.

While cleaning, I started to organize my thoughts inside as well. I allowed myself to think deeply about what has been going on the past 2 weeks, and what made 2 O’Clock so hard last night.

I also thought about what it is I wanted to write in my blog tonight, what would be helpful for me to lift me up in this hard weekend I was having, what could I open up, and heal with truth?

In between cleaning and organizing, I would lie on the bed and do some things on the laptop that I had to do. I then would get up and start organizing again, and pitter patter around the house.

In the moment that I least expected it, goodness found me, and it all started coming at once; one thing after another.

I was taking a break and I saw a Facebook message pop up from someone with such nice words of gratitude that really made my heart fill up with happiness. I found out that I helped someone through my blog that I didn’t even realize I helped! I had tears of joy, instead of tears of sadness!

I then got a text from my therapist reminding me of connection, asking me how I was doing, and reminding me of where I am in this part of the journey, and that no matter what, I will find my way through the hard and accept the good that comes from it – just what I needed to hear, a great connection!

After reading that text and replying, I started to organize the house again thinking about the goodness that connection brought me.

I then got a phone call from my sister, she also was connecting to ask how I was doing, “So how are you doing?”. We had a nice talk about mom, and then she wanted to remind me that she loved me, I love hearing my sisters voice when I need it.

Right after getting off the phone with my sister, I get a text from my husband as he was out and about today taking care of some errands while I was at home. He texted me of some good news that I was hoping for; something that really helps me in something that I need to do – what a blessing that was!!

A little time after that, Nathan came into my room, and gave me a hug and said “I love you mom” which made me smile ear to ear, he actually asked me – “how is your day mom?”

I had this feeling come over me of goodness. Sitting on my bed with the laptop on my lap, hearing the dryer finish the clothes sounded comforting. The ceiling fan providing me some cool air and it felt like I could breathe!

Everything around me started to feel lighter; my chest finally was lifted of whatever it was I was holding for the past couple of days.

I took a pause, and I smiled! God heard me today. It may not have been when I asked for this goodness a week ago, it may not been in the tears I had on my way to church this morning. It wasn’t last night through the VERY hard 2 O’Clock that I suffered through – it was when I least expected it in the “patiently waiting”.

There have been times in the past when I have prayed out of desperateness when going through these tougher moments. I would beg and plea; sometimes even making bargains with God. However, I know deep inside that a lot of the times, just patiently waiting and going through the hard; goodness finds me when I least expect it.

Tonight, as I sit here, I finally feel my patience has gained me a little bit of goodness.

The goodness found me, one after the other. I kept smiling thinking “this is it, this is what I patiently waited for, just a little breathing room, just a little feeling of goodness and connection is what I was looking for”.

it doesn’t have to be huge movement. It doesn’t have to be alot. Sometimes, just a little bit of goodness, can fill you up with hope, and today this little bit of goodness gave me the hope I was looking for.

No matter what I face this week, I think I am ready! I smile in these moments of goodness that show up when you least expect it, because I know that is when God lets me rest.

 

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handing it over to be held…

For years in therapy my therapist has always said to me before leaving sessions “just leave everything you’re holding here with me, I will hold onto it. You just go and be!

Ok what? What does that even mean?

Sometimes I would get so frustrated thinking, “yes that is easier said than done if you’re not holding what I am holding”.

Friday before leaving my session, I went over to my therapist with a hug and said “ok, here we go, I am leaving some of it with you”; I just want a peaceful weekend filled with goodness! I want to BE, I want to feel peace inside! I want to be free! I want to have a weekend filled with grace, filled with goodness”. I handed it over through the hug – literally!

I said all of this with excitement, and at one point had tears in my eyes because I wanted it that much! I wanted to know what it was like to let someone else “hold” something for me, so I could go be. I wanted to understand it and experience that.

On the heels of a great session Friday in the “celebration and accomplishment”, I wanted to leave something there.

Needless to say, he was shocked and excited; He has been trying to get me to leave a little that I hold inside for years now!

I never knew what that meant. I never was able to understand how to let someone else hold something for me, and leave whatever I hold deep inside with someone else.

I never knew what it meant to let God hold some of it for me. My thought inside was always (God has enough to hold), again not giving myself any worth.

Sometimes I would write things down on paper, fold them up and put them in my “hope box” on the desk. I made that box to put things inside of it to remind me of where I am, and where I want to be, so when I look at it later, it’s there to show me what I once wanted or thought of.

I even have one at home, to hold little things I think about on a whim. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I sat up in bed, I looked around, and I almost didn’t want to disappoint the plan of letting myself just be. I got out of bed slowly, trying not to wake the hardness, or the emotions I hold inside, or even 2 O’clock. I almost was scared because for once I wanted to get it right!

I stood there in my room, getting ready for my day, and took deep breaths to not allow anything to come into my space unless it was grace, peace, connection, or goodness.

I even wrote something for a creative writing course yesterday morning, and was challenged, because I didn’t want that to create anything inside that would bring me back into those emotions that sometimes stir up when I write something.

Last night I got a wonderful email that reminded me – “Go and be. Live and love. Rest, work, play or write, connect, reach out when you want to. This is your weekend; I am holding everything for you”.

Honestly? I didn’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to BE. I know how to work hard, I know how to figure out, I know how to work around; come up with ways to move through this healing journey I am on – but to be by letting someone else hold it?

I have tried time and time again to give myself that peace and goodness over the weekends when I don’t have any obligations to fulfill. I have tried giving myself that must needed rest in my soul – sometimes successful, sometimes not – but never have I handed it over to someone to hold before.

I decided this weekend that I was going to say NO if I didn’t want to do something, and YES if I truly wanted something.

Yesterday, everyone in the house was gone, so I went shopping for a little while, I wrote some emails, wrote a few poems that I thought of, I went for a drive with the windows down and listened to my favorite band “Fleetwood mac”. I spent some time reading the bible, and some passages that give me grace and fulfillment. I spent some time talking to my sister on the phone, just wanting to hear her voice.

I think I am actually getting the idea of letting someone else hold it for me… and let me be free from it, even if for one day.

A Lot of the times I almost would get frustrated with my therapist when I was told to leave everything with him. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? How do you take your pain and emotions and leave it with someone, or leave it in the room? – I think I get it now.

Today, I am sitting here in my writing room, I just got home from church, and I am filled with God’s love and grace. I spent time with people I love at church; my heart is filled with some love to help give me strength to go forward.

I won’t lie; 2 O’clock is lingering close today, and it did come yesterday – It’s my life and what I go through every day waiting to pounce on me and make me feel things I don’t want to feel – but at least I am letting it be held by someone else, even for just a little while.

During mass today, I looked up at the cross and actually said “God you know my heart, you know the hard work I am doing, if anything, at least hold it for me today, so I can have strength going forward”. – I have never asked God of that before, thinking he was too busy for me.

So, tomorrow I pick it back up, I heal and move forward in my path and journey – I open my timeline – I open my heart and my strength again – but for now, I am with grace and peace, and I feel content and connected.

In this very moment, even if it changes, I can feel the breeze outside coming through my window, and for now that feels good and peaceful.


If your holding something, and you just want to be free from it, try writing something on a piece of paper, fold it up small so it’s contained, and put it in a little box. Let the box hold it even if it’s just for a little while. Free yourself from that one thing you dont want to hold, and when you need to, pick it up again and work with it knowing you have more strength to hold it and work with it.

 

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accompishment and celebration

Today was about accomplishment and celebration in my healing. Today was one of my favorite days in this journey I have been on; regardless of still feeling sad and weak.

For years in my healing, when I have gone through something hard to the point of feeling really weak and I don’t want to admit it – I tend to run off, hide and lick my own wounds.

Sometimes, I care so much about my damn independence that I won’t let people help when I feel REALLY weak.

I have gone into disconnection because of it in the past, and that sometimes leads to “tension” in my work, and the people around me.

I also tend to get very defensive when I am not feeling as strong. I will try and make people mad with me so that they won’t have to support me in my “rougher moments”.

I tend to feel guilty when I feel weak and have the need for support, so I run and rather take care of it on my own. The feeling of need scares me, and sometimes I run when I feel a need for help, or extra support.

I get defensive and start putting up my shields, so that I can run and tend to myself not having to worry about dragging anyone else into my misery that I am feeling at the moment.

Today, going into session on the heels of writing that very hard write about my mom last night, I was having a tough time. I had a rough night sleeping, I was feeling guilty for how hard of a time I have had this week. I felt horrible for exposing my mom as I did, but at the same time it’s my pain, and I need to heal, but it still hurt.

When I got there today, the energy in the room wasn’t good, I was picking up off energy all around me, I was defensive and hyper vigilant, expectations for both of us were not met that we both thought were there, and it caused a “tension”.

I was reminded today that tension is bound to happen when you work so long together and on very hard hard stuff, and this is some very hard stuff.

Normally when this happens, I would shut down, get quiet, swallow it, and disconnect and tend to my own wounds later – Today however was different. Today I made a change, today I chose “connection and support” over “disconnection and isolation”.

I stood up in my anger and defensiveness, he stood up in his frustrations of not knowing what was there and why, and the tension was broke! We both stood on the edge of disconnection, and decided to turn, talk, solve, and not allow disconnection to take me.

I finally allowed myself to say “I NEED SUPPORT” in this weak place! I did not run to the corner and lick my own wounds. I finally accepted that I can have people around me that love and support me and not run off to tend to the weakness and only be accepted in strength!

I AM WORTHY EVEN IN MY WEAKNESS!

We sat and talked about it for 90 minutes, found where the tension was, found why I was defending myself, figure it out, worked it through, I accepted, I cried, I found my voice, I read the blog from last night that I wrote, I figured out what I was trying to do, we connected, and I moved through it.

I realized today that I am worthy even in my weakness to those around me. I don’t always have to be this strong person who heals all the time. I dont have to be this person who has to SMILE when I dont feel like smiling! I realized today I am just as strong in this tough week I had, as I was strong a month ago.

I gave up my independence that I am so adimient about, and I allowed being dependent on someone today.

I said the words “I NEED SUPPORT”.. 3 words I hardly ever ask for.

Celebration and Accomplishment!

We laughed about our growlness! We got up and both did a dance together, it was actually pretty funny and embarrassing, but I felt happy in that moment!

Today I am sitting here with a smile on my face because now I don’t have to go run into a corner and lick my wounds in my independence. NOW I am accepting support from everyone around me – today is the first day I don’t feel guilty for “needing” support.

I may still feel sad about my mom and what I wrote last night, and I may still be at a tough patch right now with my emotions, but today is different because I am allowing myself to be OK with that, and allow and accept support in “connection”

Celebration and accomplishment!

Today, I smile

 

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