its a choice – my choice

Wednesday morning while driving into therapy, I was feeling a bit disconnected – I woke up not being sure I wanted to show up to session and be vulnerable to how disconnected I felt – I felt a bit quiet inside like emotions were right there at the surface . . . . . Then… 3 words came to my mind and into my heart – ITS A CHOICE! I have the choice to feel the way I am feeling! I have a choice to show up just as I am, and let my therapist connect with me and connect back! I have a choice to change anything that is going on inside of me! Tears began to well up, and emotions were really present! Those 3 words just hit my heart so strongly, and I knew it was a message from God in that moment! When I got to session, I could tell right away my therapist had this great energy about him. He was open and really gentle with his words, and his demeanor was soft. Even though […]

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five minute friday {whisper}

Welcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing. No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are! Today’s Five minute Friday word is {Whisper} {Start} The word Whisper resonates with me this week! “hope” is the word that whispers loudly in my ears and my soul this week.. hope is the anchor to all the hardness that I have been going through, and when we have more hope, it gives us more strength. In session yesterday I opened up about something big and I wrote about it, and I am still reeling from the goodness and hope that this openness brought me. Everyday I am holding more and more hope that by being open and listening to the hope inside, it brings me more strength to keep on going, keep on fighting the fight! I think sometimes […]

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healing takes time

When I walked into therapy almost 6 years ago, never did I think it would be years and years of work and that I would be in this place 6 years later. I thought I would walk into this mystery place of healing, talk about my story, find out what was wrong with me, find a way to heal and away I go into the world where I came from – with just a little less walls and pain. Here I am, 6 years later and I am discovering more and more about how deep my wounds were or still are. I am still breaking down walls I never knew I had. I had walls around walls and I didn’t even realize how thick they were, or how much pain was behind them. When I began therapy I was SO afraid I would become dependent of the process and in the process. I was frantic of becoming dependent on my therapist or the process of therapy. I grew up taking care of me, and I was too afraid to allow someone else into my little […]

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5 minute friday – community

Five minute Friday we bloggers write for five minutes flat on Fridays. We set a timer, throw caution to the winds and try to remember what it was like to just write without worrying if it’s just right or not. write for 5 minutes, no back-drafting, no editing – today’s word is: community Start:  I am going to be honest, I am not much of a person to be in large amounts of community. I have always been a quiet and reserved person. I have been a loner all my life, and only chose people in my life who I felt safe around. I have learned so much about connection in therapy. It has been the base core of my healing. It’s how my therapist and I work, we are constantly in connection, and I am always reminded that connection is there for me – SO I have taken that base core of connection that I have learned to trust, and I have taken it to the outside and I learned to be in community with others – but small community. When […]

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{ connection } the light to my path

Tonight I am sitting here and things are becoming clearer. I feel more connected tonight than I have in weeks. I always have believed that “connection” is what serves a great path to my healing. Today I was reminded of that connection. I was reminded that nothing has changed in this hard place I was in. Nothing has changed in the support, care or love – it’s there, I just need to accept it and have trust in it. Sometimes I need to be reminded when I get lost in the hardness. I have realized over the years in therapy that connection is the light to my path. Each step I take in my healing, lights the path to go forward. I spent a lot of my life in disconnection. Disconnection from myself and others. I was always a quiet and reserved person. I was shy and I retreated to myself a lot – until recently. I have learned in my 5 years of therapy that there is a whole world out there wanting to be connected. I learned that […]

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finding the familiar

I am the type of person that works around “the familiar” – like routines, the way I do things are the ways that I heal, live, be and move through life. In my healing, I look for the familiar to get me from one thing to the next. I look for all the things that fill me with strength. This week has had it’s challenges of finding that familiar, and right when I thought I had it, I was pushed back yet again; leaving me with more work to do – does it ever end? (I say that with great frustration) It seems that I can never catch a break and just breathe. I find myself trying to find the familiar of what worked before, and I go from there to find my path again. Right now I am in that cycle of trying to find what works, what I can depend on working, and finding grace and hope through that. I feel the wind has been knocked out of my sail again, and I am on the sidelines fixing […]

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thoughts before bed . . .

One of my favorite things to do before bed is to pick a prayer from the bible and find meaning in it that pertains to my healing, and how I can grow and move through it with more strength. Tonight, as I snuggled up in bed under the blankets, I picked up the “gather book” that I got from the church. I read from Psalms which has always been my favorite of all readings in the bible, and what I read tonight was: PSALMS 16:11 – You will show me the path to life. Fullness of joys in your presence, the delights at your right hand forever. My therapist connected with me later this afternoon/evening and we talked about what it would look like tomorrow to tear down the walls in the very moment, connect, and talk with no reservation. What path do I want for me, and how do I go about accepting those around me to make that happen? I smiled, and it felt like an invitation to another part of my healing. When I cried earlier this morning in […]

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“you can talk about anything”

“You can talk about anything”. Those 5 words are the words that my therapist reminds me of almost on a daily basis – through connection and support. I have come to love those 5 words! I have come to accept those 5 words, I sometimes look forward to those 5 words, and better yet, I have learned to trust those 5 words. When I hear those 5 words it gives me an opening to freedom I never had. I was silenced as a child, I never thought I could open up about what was going on inside, or to talk about what was going on with me. I spent my whole life with the message inside “don’t tell” or “you can’t talk about any of this” – Of course those words “you can talk about anything” were foreign to me. My therapist would say it over and over, but those words hit a wall and bounced back to him. The wall was so strong that it was hard to believe those words without a fight to get there. Earlier years in […]

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