its a choice – my choice

choiceWednesday morning while driving into therapy, I was feeling a bit disconnected – I woke up not being sure I wanted to show up to session and be vulnerable to how disconnected I felt – I felt a bit quiet inside like emotions were right there at the surface . . . . .

Then… 3 words came to my mind and into my heart – ITS A CHOICE!

I have the choice to feel the way I am feeling! I have a choice to show up just as I am, and let my therapist connect with me and connect back! I have a choice to change anything that is going on inside of me!

Tears began to well up, and emotions were really present! Those 3 words just hit my heart so strongly, and I knew it was a message from God in that moment!

When I got to session, I could tell right away my therapist had this great energy about him. He was open and really gentle with his words, and his demeanor was soft.

Even though he could already tell, I told him right away “I am feeling really quiet, and emotions feel close to the surface, and you know how hard that is for me”.

Even after 8 1/2 years of therapy, emotions are still something I struggle to express!

My therapist then said something to me that was probably one of the most caring things I have ever heard him say, and he said to me “you work so hard in here, and I imagine you waking up this morning you just wanted to have a break from feeling all these feelings and working so hard in therapy like you do, it makes so much sense you would wake up feeling the way you did, and in this moment I wonder (and this may seem silly), but I wonder to myself,  what if I can have the emotions for you?” …

I smiled a little, part of me being in shock, and then said to him “although that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, no one can feel my emotions for me, and to be honest, I wouldn’t want anyone to“.

It was in that moment I really understood just how much my therapist cares about me; how much he is here to support and walk this journey with me. (not that I didn’t know this or trust this after 8 1/2 years of working together) But hearing those words, I really got just how much I am supported in this journey and how blessed I am for that.

He also knows deep inside that it’s not possible to have someone’s emotions for them, but a part of him wished he could do that work for me so I could have a break!

It didn’t sound silly to me, because I know what its like to want to take pain away from someone else, I just never imagined anyone would want to do that for me.

I get it .. I really get it now.

I shared with him the 3 words I heard on my way in “It’s a choice” and I went on to tell him what it is I have the choice to do!

I have the choice to feel better when I feel sad..

I have the choice to not let fear over-take me.

I have the choice to not let others and their actions keep me in a place of disconnect.

I may not have the choice to change others, but I have the choice to change me and how I perceive the actions of anything outside of my power.

I have the choice to TAKE MORE STEPS!

I have the choice to HEAL what isolation I have been in for the past 2 years.

No one can take that choice for me, because no matter what happens, it’s up to me how I react and move through this journey and choose my feet to the path I take.

When I said all this, my therapist just sat with me in awe of the 3 words I put out there. “GOD is with you, God is with us in this moment he said”.

He went on to tell me that in this choice, I have his support, his care, his wisdom and guidance and I am not alone in this journey. He even went on to tell me how sad it was that I had to fight so hard every-day through this hard isolation I have been in the past couple of years, but he sees so much hope of me moving out of this because of that CHOICE I see and hear.

And I finally get it! I finally understand that no matter how I feel, no matter how many mornings I wake up in fear, no matter what feelings hit me, I have the choice to turn that around and direct it in any direction I want.

I can take the sadness I sometimes feel and turn it where it belongs and away from me. I can take the anger I have pent-up inside of me, and turn it away from me and direct it where it belongs –

HOW?

By talking about it – by letting someone hear about my sadness and anger and finding a way to re-direct it right to where it belongs, – By writing about it – getting my feelings out to where they belong – and I have been doing those things this past year, only now, I BELIEVE in it, and I know the choice is mine now! I accept that these feelings and anger and sadness and frustration and fear are not mine to hold, I don’t deserve these feelings!

The energy in therapy room yesterday was nothing I have ever experienced! My therapist sometimes describes the energy as “sacred” … and that is what it was – SACRED!

When we come to an understanding  – especially when it’s from God, It hits you a certain way to where you have this acceptance and belief and a moment where you take a breath just knowing “its Going to be ok”

As the session began to grow close to ending, my therapist said to me “I just want you to know you are so safe, and I am going to “watch” and “guard” and make sure nothing gets in the way, and if anything even looks remotely close to getting in the way, we will talk about it, I will tell you right away!

I felt this relief come off my shoulders and chest like I have never felt before. My heart was filled with so much thankfulness in that moment.

CHOICE .. it’s all about the choices I have to make something different! I can’t change the choice of anyone else but my own, and I think I finally see that my choice is just as strong (if not stronger) than the will of others.

All this on the [temporary path] that God led me on this past week.

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five minute friday {whisper}

e0f2356409673b9f8dcb6e396a475e56Welcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing.

No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are!

Today’s Five minute Friday word is {Whisper}

{Start}

The word Whisper resonates with me this week! “hope” is the word that whispers loudly in my ears and my soul this week.. hope is the anchor to all the hardness that I have been going through, and when we have more hope, it gives us more strength.

In session yesterday I opened up about something big and I wrote about it, and I am still reeling from the goodness and hope that this openness brought me. Everyday I am holding more and more hope that by being open and listening to the hope inside, it brings me more strength to keep on going, keep on fighting the fight!

I think sometimes the world is so loud that we never truly sit and listen to what God is telling us. I believe God is fighting for our attention in the midst of our hardness. We sometimes become so involved in life and in trying to solve our own troubles, that we don’t sit and really listen to the whisper of God’s wisdom.

That is what happened to me this week. I sat and really paid attention to the quietness, and in that quietness I heard hope, an in that hope I felt strength, and in that strength I was able to lean on support, and the support, care and love that I have circles back around to the hope!

I have begun something new. Every Saturday morning, I allow myself 2 hours of just sitting on the couch with a book, or even my laptop to read. I give myself those 2 hours in the quiet morning just for me, and I realized something in that. We pray to God and make time to say what we need to him right? what about God speaking to us? Do we ever think that maybe God wants us to sit still in life and hear what he has to say to us? That is what my Saturday mornings have become.

Whether it be through the reading I am doing, or the writing I am engaged in, I always find God speaking to me in some form. That is what this week was for me. I really paid attention to what God was praying to me. I think God prays to US too, we just need to really believe in that.

So, this week sparks hope inside of me. I have more hope after this great week in session and really being open about what this hardness has been about. I found hope in the whisper in between the busyness of life and I paid attention to it enough to embrace it, and really lean into that.

If you were to take time out during the week, what would you hear? take some time to really listen, because you never know what the whispers of life is trying to tell you.

END

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healing takes time

0814615236When I walked into therapy almost 6 years ago, never did I think it would be years and years of work and that I would be in this place 6 years later.

I thought I would walk into this mystery place of healing, talk about my story, find out what was wrong with me, find a way to heal and away I go into the world where I came from – with just a little less walls and pain.

Here I am, 6 years later and I am discovering more and more about how deep my wounds were or still are. I am still breaking down walls I never knew I had. I had walls around walls and I didn’t even realize how thick they were, or how much pain was behind them.

When I began therapy I was SO afraid I would become dependent of the process and in the process. I was frantic of becoming dependent on my therapist or the process of therapy. I grew up taking care of me, and I was too afraid to allow someone else into my little safe world.

I remember a couple of weeks into therapy and saying to my therapist “the day I become dependent on you is the day I will never show up again“. We laugh about that all the time. I remember my therapist standing there with this smile on his face, and then the smile going away when he realized I wasn’t joking; I was truly fearful of becoming dependent.

“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.” – Rachel Naomi Remen

As I sit here coming up on the 6th year anniversary of walking into my place of healing – I am proud of the process I have taken. I am proud that I am still here and allowing myself to accept this process of healing. I am proud that I show up many times a week because that is honoring me.

This is not about showing up for my therapist, for my husband, for my friends, or even for God, this is for me and the chance to go give myself life; the life I never had in being able to open up my wounds and let them be seen to heal.

I work hard in healing. My therapist and I work very hard together, and there is no longer that shame that covers me.

I have come to a place that I believe I deserve this. I suffered so much pain as a child, and this is my time to heal – no matter how long the process, no matter how many times I walk into therapy a week, no matter how many times I connect with my support, no matter how many emails I may write to those I reach out to – a part of me finally feels that I deserve it, and it took me a long time to say those words, or to accept it inside.

I dont depend on the process, it depends on me! it needs me to be there in order to heal, and I am here.

I dont think about when therapy will end,  I don’t think about the healing process time frame. I don’t think about those things at all – I think about taking a step each day and what that step looks like.

I have never quit once, or walked away from this wonderful gift God has given me. Have I been challenged? heck yes!  Have I wanted to quit at times because of how hard it was,  well maybe once or twice.. but I am no quitter and I will continue to walk this path that was given to me.

Whether I am in therapy for another 6 years, or 2 years or 1 year – it’s a process of time and healing and I will take that time for me, and only God knows when I am ready, and when I am ready, he will lead me to the path he has set out for me – but right now this is my path and I am walking it.

During this process of healing I am also taking steps in the big ole world along side of it. I don’t only live to heal, I heal to live. I am out in the big world using what I work hard through in therapy and apply it to every little step I take each day.

This past year has been incredibly hard on me, and the healing process has been derailed from time to time; taking me off the path I was on – but in that hard process of this past year came many walls that I never knew I had. I may have been derailed, but I have always been on the path to healing.

So as I sit here today writing, thinking of my soon 6 year milestone in my healing process, I am smiling! I am so proud to be on this journey of healing. I am so lucky to have a wonderful place that feels safe again. I am so lucky to have a great therapist who taught me so much about not seeing connection, love and support as a dependency – but rather something I deserved for me.

How much time it takes isn’t the question – it’s about what I am learning along the way and accepting that “this is my time to heal, it’s my time to live”.

So the next time your wondering “how long will this healing take?”.. don’t think about “when” think about “what you are doing for yourself”, and let the healing continue.

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