vulnerable in my sleep

54eb69a02583a_-_6-dream-mysteries-solved-mdnI have woken up many times in the past week crying out of my sleep; literally crying with tears and all out of my sleep.

I have written about this experience before and its something that I have gone through quite a bit in the past couple of years.

This past week I have experienced this almost every other night and it has left me feeling emotionally drained!

I have talked about it with Andy in therapy and he knows this has been something I have struggled with for years, but we never have put a secure understanding of why it happens when it does and what it truly means.

It happened again last night, only this time I cried for an additional hour after I woke – when normally I would fall asleep almost immediately after waking from the crying.

My therapist and I think it has something to do with emotions finding their way out when I am most un-able to stop them – in my sleep.

Tonight I did some research on this – even contacted someone who specializes in dreams and I found out some really interesting things about this.

These wake ups of crying is not only emotions finding their way out, but its my body’s way of letting me know that I have surpressed emotions that are trapped by fear of showing emotions in front of someone.

Emotions and showing emotions have always been something I struggle to show or be with. I have written about this a couple of years ago called “Fear of Emotions

Even after 8 1/2 years of therapy, I still struggle to show or have emotions in therapy, or even outside of therapy. I have this intense ability of keeping my emotions in check no matter how bad I feel inside.

Reading more on this “waking up crying” it says: according to mind/body medical experts, repressed feelings and emotions don’t just go away. They actually remain in the body, taking up our energy and laying the groundwork for emotional distress which can be emotionally damaging.”

Another Dr who writes about this says: “Unexpressed emotions tend to ‘stay’ in the body like small ticking time bombs,” she says. “They are illnesses in incubation. The danger, experts agree, is that when we delay acknowledging our emotions, this can lead our body to speak louder and louder to get our attention.” –

Hence me waking up crying out of my sleep is my body’s way of saying “your leaking!!!!”.. they say when you repress your emotions, the body tries to find places to express those emotions when we are vulnerably able and in the sleep is the one place the body rests the most.

It makes sense, but it doesn’t cure my fear of emotions or talking about them.

I found it interesting that in this article one DR writes: “This could also be due to repression from an external source, such as a person that will not allow you to cry or a person that you are afraid to cry in front of.”

I spent my whole childhood fearing my own emotions and spent many nights rocking back and forth in my closet trying to swallow them or talking them away! I feared crying in front of anyone because as a child, I wasn’t allowed to cry “or else!” I was SHAMED for crying.

I don’t like crying in therapy, it sends me signals that I am going to be harmed if I show emotions. I have this shame come over me like I am doing something terribly wrong.

I have had emotions in therapy, but its incredibly hard and I work my hardest to swallow them as fast as I can. It’s not something I like to talk about, and even writing about this right now is making me a little anxious and I want to stop …..

But I also don’t like the feeling of waking up and having thee heart wrenching moments that I don’t understand.

In a way, I am sad now because I realize how much I am repressing myself and the younger inner child that is healing from having emotions that I hold.

In the article and most of the Dr’s say the best way to move through this is to talk about the feelings, talk about those things that are repressed allowing myself to feel them, not just talk about them. I cringe at that thought as it’s not something I feel comfortable with, but I also don’t want to wake up feeling the way I have been the past week!

This healing journey has come with many different paths, and this is the one path I always detour around, and maybe its time to take that path and learn how to heal the very things I fear …. emotions.

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letting {fear} write the script – no more

d46dadfa4eb678318ca9db801a7ae7b1I saw this quote last weekend and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since!

This quote really opened my heart and my mind to so many things around me; especially looking back on this hard year I have had.

The quote was this:

“Our eyes are not just viewers they are also projectors that are running a 2nd story over the picture that we see in front of us all the time! Fear is writing that script, and the working title is “I will never be enough”.

When I read that quote it was like something huge shifted inside of me; something that I have never felt before. Something changed, I changed, my feelings changed, my outlook changed!

If you really read the quote, it tells us that no matter what we have going on in front of us, there is always a 2nd story being written over what is really here! FEAR writes the script of what it is that is really here and that fear gets in the way at times, and most of the time that script is telling us “I am not enough”.

This quote has defined exactly what the past couple of years has been for me.

As readers of my blog, I know you have read many different versions of what I am going through. Sometimes I feel on top of hope, and other times I am not so sure. I have written about the REALLY hard, and the REALLY good. I have had moments where I thought I was going through a really good shift, but then realized later it was false hope.

This time, it feels SO different! I feel SO different!

Something shifted over thanksgiving break and I have never felt a sense of movement like I do now. I have never felt so connected as I do now.

Over thanksgiving break I took a step out of my head and really got clear about what was going on around me. I told my therapist that I wanted the week of Thanksgiving break to be time for me to get out of my head and time for me. I didn’t want to connect over break; that I trusted the really good connection we have.

It was a great break for me to get out of my head, away from the healing, and really get curious and clear about where I am! it was amazing!

This past year has been about not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy enough, not feeling good about myself causing me to be in this place of isolation… but what was really going on inside of me? What was causing this isolation?

What 2nd story was being played out in front of what was real? I realized, it was FEAR .. and knowing that now gives me hope of what I need to do next! In fact, I am changing hope to faith – because faith holds more promise than hope.

Coming back into my healing after the Thanksgiving break was nothing short of amazing connection! This past week was the best week I have ever had in therapy! I am more connected now than I have ever been – ever!

My therapist and I are both so excited about the path going forward! So many thoughts and ideas I have about what caused this isolation and what is really here in front of me that needs a place to be placed.

Today my therapist and I were talking about this big shift and he was glowing with excitement! He slid over to me and gave me the biggest hug of connection telling me how proud he was of me and just how DIFFERENT he see’s this shift to be and how there is big opportunity here in this big shift! It’s EXCITING!

I plan to share some of these steps with you all. I know I haven’t written much in the past week and a half, but I took a small week or so break from writing so I could really get clear about this new shift and path I am on. I didn’t want to jump ahead too quickly before I really knew what God was showing me.

I have come to realize that FEAR is the script that got in the way of where I was going this past year, and more so the past COUPLE of years. I let outside circumstances really steer the course of my healing path and it got the best of me, and now I am here writing my OWN script to my healing … no longer letting fear take control over what I want, and what I need going forward!

Fear is a huge obstacle that can get in the way of many things! That quote was right on .. there will always be a 2nd story over the truth of what is really in front of us if we let Fear control the story. WE HAVE a choice! I HAVE A CHOICE, an I know that now.

A part of the healing is realizing what that 2nd story is telling us, and how to focus on the truth of what is real vs what is not.

I hear and know that loud and clearly!

I am excited! It will be some work moving through some of the things I need to move through, but I am ready to face whatever it is I need to do to re-write the script fear has forced upon me the past couple of years!

This place I have been in is no place for me … isolation and feelings of unworthiness is not the place God would want me to be, thats not the story God has written for me or my path.

One step at a time is what is needed … however big or small – at least it’s a step “out” and not a step “in”.

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a new kind of hope

hope in handsIn all the years I have been writing in this blog, never have I named the subject of the post the same as the name of the blog – but today it fits! I found a new kind of hope today.

Today in session my therapist said something that latched onto something deep and it gave me tears so fast that we both wondered “where did the tears come from, and what do they mean?”.

and I opened up….

I opened up about something today that gave both my therapist and I “a new kind of hope” going forward on this path. Something that gave more understanding to why I am struggling to find the path I was on before the past “hard” year happened.

I was the adult before I was the child, and well to be honest, I dont think I have ever been the child, but lately I feel the emotions of the 9 year old child that I put away to live forward.

Being a victim of child sexual abuse I had to grow up quick, and whatever emotions I had, I had to put them away. Every tear, every bit of fear, every bit of anger, or sadness, confusion – I put deep inside of me, and I became the adult at the age of 9 – hell I became the adult when I was 5-6-7-8-9 when my choices of being a child were taken from me.

Something about this past year when things got really hard and I got re-triggered by many many things – brought big big feelings right to the surface and I feel as if the emotions and the feelings and the anger of the 9 year old child are finally coming out.

Today as the 40+ year old adult, I am confused as to why I am feeling all these confusing feelings that are painful, sad, and anger filled.

I want more than anything to stuff them back away and continue being the strong adult woman, mom, wife and friend I created myself to be since I was little, but for some reason, those tools of stuffing don’t quite work the way they used to work. I dont have the ability to build walls like I did as a child.

I took a hammer to those walls 6 years ago when I first walked into therapy and continue hammering away at those walls even to now. Those walls are pieces all over the floor, and simply they cannot be re-built.

Rebuilding those walls are no longer an option to cover the pain, and today for the first time in years of working on this in therapy, I realized I can’t build walls anymore, I don’t have the tools, and therefor I need to honor all the emotions that surfaced in order to heal.

Today there was hope that there is no fear in feeling what I should have felt as a child – just like the anger I had Tuesday.

These emotions that are here are telling me something – maybe God is trying to tell me something through these feelings.

My therapist while sitting next to me this morning took my hand, held it, and said to me “I now know whats going on inside of you, and I can help you“.

A NEW KIND OF HOPE!

that is the first thing I thought of when he said those words to me today. It’s what my blog and my writing represents. HOPE to move forward in the knowing and not the unknown.

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As I was driving home from session I felt this opening inside of me happening! I opened up to my therapist in a big way today and told him exactly how I felt inside, and he understood, heard me, and he really got it!

This wise woman name “Mary Armstong” once said to me “You have to love the child inside and honor the child inside of you in order to fully heal her pain

Today I think I finally understand what that means. I always had this feeling of shame or guilt that I would ever allow myself to honor something I stuffed away at 9 years old – because my thought was “if I feel those feelings when I was child, it means I am not healing, I am sick, and I will never move out of this“. I can only imagine where I got that impression from, could have been the millions of times my abusers said “it’s your fault, your bad“.

Deep inside of me the 9 year old emotions want out, and, in a scary fearful way, I need to honor that, because if I dont, I will always carry around with me those emotions and feelings that never had a reason to be, and I will never let go to heal for me.

I dont think I like the idea of feeling emotions that I stuffed away at 9 years old, but I also don’t like the feelings I have right now in feeling trapped. I guess Mary Armstrong was right, I need to love the child inside of me that I was, before I can love the adult I am today.

I remember this quote I read once from a philosopher

we all have the child inside of us, each and every one of us –  it’s up to us how we let that child go. Some of us already have, and some of us are stuck from painful memories and abuse

– I am stuck.. and I need to find a way to let her go.

I do walk towards this in fear, but I also walk in confidence that the support that surrounds me; will see me to the end of my new beginning no matter how hard the road is.

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