the cure to healing is pain

Last weekend I was triggered by a memory/image from my past, and this trigger was one of the worst I have had in a very long time; the kind of trigger that pulls you from the now and throws you into a tailspin of fear, emotions from the past. Over time in my work in therapy I have learned that triggers and or memories are “information” not “emergencies” – that these feelings and thoughts are here to tell a story to heal, not to harm me. This trigger was a pretty big one, and its been hard to be present and connected to the now, when I feel I was thrown into my past. I have done a lot of praying around this as I haven’t felt much like myself since this trigger, and one of the things that I realized was – maybe sitting with this trigger, feeling this trigger, feeling my

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thinking back – looking forward

As I look back on this past year, it was a very hard year for me on so many levels! But it has also been one of the most connecting and self changing years on my healing journey. It began with the death of my mom last January 6th 2015, which set the stage for the beginning of a very hard year for me. I was already struggling with self isolation from many things that happened a couple of years ago, and in that hard work of trying to move out of the isolation, adding my moms death was just another reason to pull back even more. But then there is my healing journey, my work in therapy and the amazing work my therapist and I have done this past year has been absolutely amazing! As we sat in therapy Tuesday, my therapist and I did a lot of reflecting back and forth about the good work we have done, and how blessed we both are for each other and the strong bond we re-built over this past year, and […]

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feeling my emotions

Yesterday when I woke up to get ready for therapy and the day ahead I knew it was going to be a really hard day – I just knew it and felt something really big inside tugging at me! Emotions were really close to the surface from the moment I woke! Emotions scare me – – emotions make me want to run – – I hate feeling, and being with emotions; especially letting them be seen! Yes even in therapy, even after 8 1/2 years of working thru my feelings and it still is a huge struggle for me! When I showed up to therapy I knew from the moment I sat in the waiting room that this was going to be a hard struggle – sitting there waiting I even struggled with and debated on walking out and going home before he came out to get me – which I have never once done in 8 1/2 years of being in therapy. But I stayed with it, I worked with the struggle in the waiting room and knew in […]

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raw and vulnerable – facing my core emotions

I feel like the theme of my writing has been “its been a while since I have written”, and it’s true, it has been a while since I have written, and I think it’s because when I am working so hard internally, I become detached with everything else around me. The work in therapy the past couple of weeks have been really hard but good work! My therapist keeps telling me “I am so proud of you, you are working so hard and you are on such a different path than you were just months ago” – and I believe that because I feel it. I have been trusting and learning more and more of what it means to work with my feelings and emotions “as” I have them; not pushing them away until I can find empowerment over them. I am still waking up in the middle of the night with “crying wake up’s”, and instead of forcing myself back to sleep like I normally do, I have been grabbing my phone or laptop when I wake, and write […]

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vulnerable in my sleep

I have woken up many times in the past week crying out of my sleep; literally crying with tears and all out of my sleep. I have written about this experience before and its something that I have gone through quite a bit in the past couple of years. This past week I have experienced this almost every other night and it has left me feeling emotionally drained! I have talked about it with Andy in therapy and he knows this has been something I have struggled with for years, but we never have put a secure understanding of why it happens when it does and what it truly means. It happened again last night, only this time I cried for an additional hour after I woke – when normally I would fall asleep almost immediately after waking from the crying. My therapist and I think it has something to do with emotions finding their way out when I am most un-able to stop them – in my sleep. Tonight I did some research on this – even contacted someone […]

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its a choice – my choice

Wednesday morning while driving into therapy, I was feeling a bit disconnected – I woke up not being sure I wanted to show up to session and be vulnerable to how disconnected I felt – I felt a bit quiet inside like emotions were right there at the surface . . . . . Then… 3 words came to my mind and into my heart – ITS A CHOICE! I have the choice to feel the way I am feeling! I have a choice to show up just as I am, and let my therapist connect with me and connect back! I have a choice to change anything that is going on inside of me! Tears began to well up, and emotions were really present! Those 3 words just hit my heart so strongly, and I knew it was a message from God in that moment! When I got to session, I could tell right away my therapist had this great energy about him. He was open and really gentle with his words, and his demeanor was soft. Even though […]

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projection and the battle within

Projection is something that I sometimes struggle with, and something I have really struggled with the past couple of weeks. I am learning more and more about what projection is and why I struggle with it; how projection relates to me and my work in therapy. I read a wonderful article written by Morgan Sontag called “Things are not as they appear“. She explains how Projection is a defense strategy in which you unconsciously defend yourself against unpleasant impulses or feelings by denying their existence in yourself, while attributing it to someone else. Basically in a nut-shell, projection is “blame shifting” .. not something done purposely, but it’s done when we feel so badly about ourselves that we turn how we feel thinking others feel this way about us. A great example: I walked into therapy last Monday morning and the energy in the room didn’t feel right, and immediately I began thinking my therapist was acting like his normal self,  that he didn’t want to be in connection with me, that he was mad about something, and I felt […]

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the love that surrounds me

I dont even have words to describe the awe and gratitude I have for those who surround me and those who are a part of my life today. I have had a very tough 3 days emotionally. I didn’t know why, or even how I was going to move out of it (as I have never ever felt anything like this before in my life). I have had hard times before, and I have felt depressed on and off like situational depression to certain situations, but it was nothing like these past 3-4 days have been – this was hard stuff. Tonight as I sit here, I feel warm and loved. I feel relieved that my therapist and I sat with this hardness today and came to an understanding of where it came from. I sit here tonight and I am blessed that all day today I got texts and facebook messages from those close to me asking me how I was, and giving me hugs, prayers and good wishes – ALL of which were answered for me. For the past 72 […]

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