31 Days {Days 25, 26 & 27} stuck in a rut

maryoliverI have been stuck in an emotional rut for the past 48 hours, and it’s been hard to move out of it.

It’s not often that I get disconnected. Through the years of working in therapy I have really learned how to stay connected, even in the hardest of struggles.

But then there are times when I get caught in an emotional rut and disconnection finds its way through me.

The past 48 hours have been one of those times, and it’s frustrating not being able to pull out of it.

It began with an anxiety attack I had in he middle of the night last night – calling for my husband to help me out of it! That is always a true sure sign, something big is going on inside.

Little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own” – Mary Oliver

When I struggle in these ruts, I notice it right away when I stop interacting in the things I love to interact in, like “chatting with online friends” or “being a part of” “I don’t touch my computer” “I get really tired and sleepy and want to be left alone’.

Today, I went to Target and as I was shopping I began crying in the isles of  the store… tears showed up and I couldn’t stop crying – as people looked at me. I tried pulling out of it as I wiped the tears away, and the more I wiped, the more they flowed!

I managed to pull thru it and get home only to have more tears!

What is going on?????

My therapist always tells, especially at the end of sessions “if you need to lean in, all the ways of leaning in are here for you, you are supported”

if I lean in, it means I am struggling, and tonight I leaned in with an email – “having a really hard time”

This is where I am learning to not let disconnection take me under, rather let the connection shed light on the darkness of the struggle… I did just that by leaning in  and telling my therapist exactly what was going on, and it was met back with support.

His response assured me of support and prayer in session tomorrow morning – beginning with a prayer.

Sometimes leaning in to connection is not about making something go  away or feeling better, but more about just being heard in the place I am in, giving me the power of healing self a connecting to self.

In the past I would do almost ANYTHING to feel better and be connected – WANTING it to go AWAY! But as I sit in patience with learning more about what is here and why. I have learned to talk about it using my voice as my guide to talk about it, and trusting that connection will be found in “talking about it” rather than trying to fix it as quick as I can by making the feelings go away!

So as I sit here tonight, I am feeling a bit more connected now that I put my feelings out to my support, but it’s not fixed and I don’t expect it to be. I will pray through it tonight, I will ask God to help me through this tough emotional rut I have been in for the past 48-hours, and just lean on the trust that through connection, support and talking about it tomorrow morning, connection to-self will come back, and I will understand a little more of where this struggle is coming from.

That is my hope!

These ruts of disconnection used to last weeks before ..now that I have learned to work with them, they are far and in between and don’t last long – but when they do hit, it’s painfully hard!

So as I write this blog for 3 days that i missed because of the rut, I will connect with my true words and feelings and find connection thru my truth here as well in my journey to healing.

Patience in he process…  trust …. leaning on those who support = connection back to self.

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holding onto connection

tumblr_n548u2fiXb1tvjsowo1_500A lot of my healing and the work I have done since I started therapy has been about connection and learning how to not let the old messages of the past get in the way of that connection.

Connection has been the core of what I have learned over the years, but sometimes those old messages do creep back in and take over, and for me when that happens its really hard to get me back out of that darkness of disconnection.

Since I was little, when I felt disconnected I would change my clothes a lot. I would keep changing my clothes over and over until the feeling went away. Today I still struggle with that.

yesterday morning I got ready for session and as I was heading out the door I got this intense feeling come over me that I needed to change, and I began to not feel good about myself. I knew in that moment this was going to be a hard morning for me.

I went upstairs and changed my clothes and nothing was feeling right! Time was drawing close and I needed to head to my session in order to make it there on time and I knew in that moment there was nothing I could do to change the feeling I was going through.

As I drove to my session the feeling got worse! I began to figit and couldn’t sit still in this disconnection. I was frustrated that I was feeling this way, but at the same time I knew that my therapist is aware of what this means when I go through moments like this, but it didn’t change the fact that I just wanted to go home and be alone in this.

But I didn’t… I showed up to session just as I was. That is the difference between the past and the now – letting someone see me in this moment so that I am not alone in it.

When I feel this way I don’t like to be touched, especially on the back of the arms. I hold my arms close to my body when I am feeling this way and its a challenge to let that go. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to, but when it does, its hard to move out of this.

I showed up to session and shared with him right a way what I was going through, and the first thing he wanted to do to change that was to CONNECT. He asked me to take his hand and BREAK that old message of “when I am feeling this way, I am UN-touchable”.

He wanted to reverse those old messages and create a connection even if it didn’t feel good. Sometimes you have to fake it to move through it.

I know that these moments when this happens are old messages from the past, but I don’t know why it shows up today the way it does. I am still working hard to take those moments of disconnection and self yuck and turn it into “I am worthy and I am touchable and I am connected”.

Still to this day I will go through moments when I change my clothes up to 10 times if need be … and its frustrating.

I will still go through moments of not wanting to be touched on the back of the arms, or looked at, or for anyone to touch me anywhere… but what I do notice is, because I know what it means and where it comes from, I can move through it faster than I used to.

This comes from the past and being abused. When I was abused I would change my clothes a lot because I felt a sense of YUCK after the abuse happened and that feeling has stuck with me my whole life.

These are the things from the past that never truly go away no matter how much healing is done…. but what I do know is, its not so much about making something go away, its more about how to handle these things when it happens. How do I create a connection right in the middle of yuck and disconnection? That is where the healing is!

The healing is not about making something go AWAY, because honestly, it never truly goes away! its about how to manage these moments when they do happen. Its about understanding where it comes from, and to remind myself that “I am not in the abuse any longer” and to allow myself connection in the disconnection that I am feeling.

My therapist always reminds me “you are not what you feel”  and that is what healing is about.. not making it go away, but seeing it differently so that i can move through these moments without disconnecting.

As I sit here this morning I am feeling a lot more connected than I was yesterday and I hope that by talking about it, letting someone be with me in that moment and writing about it, gives me the power over it, instead of it having power over me.

Each time this happens, I will remember how I moved through it the time before – and that is healing!

It never truly goes away, and I think that for anyone who is healing through their past, if you just realize that healing is not about making something go away, that its about making that moment manageable – I think THAT is when true healing happens.

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five minute friday {mess}

278024_441388179215763_827778536_o Welcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing.

No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are!

Today’s Five minute Friday word is {MESS}

{Start}

When I saw that the Five minute Friday word was MESS, the first thing that came to my mind was a quote by a writer name Jeff Goins and that quote is:

change always happens when you come down from the clouds & deal with the messiness of life“.

That is such a strong and true quote!

Right now I am struggling with connection, and maybe in order to get reconnected to self and those around me, I need to dive right into the messiness of what is causing me disconnection.

Maybe the answer is found in sitting right in the middle of the mess instead of trying to run from it or hide from the disconnection that has found me. Maybe it’s here for a reason.

Sometimes I just want to isolate into a small ball and just wait for the storm of disconnection to pass – but maybe its not about getting small, maybe I can get big in disconnection.

When you run from a dog, it’s first instinct is to chase you because your showing fear and running from something, but if you slow down, breathe, and walk along side of the feelings that are here –  the dog is more likely to walk along side of you instead of chasing you.

I think connection is the same thing! We fight against our feelings and emotions so much that it chases us down and wears us thin to the point of “becoming” the disconnection instead of working with it and understanding it.

I think that is what the past week has been for me. I am trying so hard to NOT be disconnected that I am not paying attention to what is causing me to feel disconnected. I am allowing the disconnection to disconnect me.

So, I am going to hold this quote today and come down from the clouds of isolation and disconnection and face what is here, and why its here, and maybe instead of being chased by the dog, I can walk along side of my disconnection giving it less power over me, so that I can connect back to self and those around me who love and care for me.

Its hard when the weight of the past and the old messages tell me “you need to run and hide“… but a part of this process is about changing those messages and saying “NO, I am not going to isolate and get small, I am going to get big right in the middle of the mess!”

My therapist and I work incredibly hard on connection – connection has been the CORE of our work in therapy, and at the same time, there are times when I struggle and become disconnected, but I think if I really start to understand where the disconnection comes from, than maybe the next time this happens, I can breathe and walk through it knowing that the fight back is about being IN it, and not trying to run away or out of it.

{END}

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