feeling my emotions

Yesterday when I woke up to get ready for therapy and the day ahead I knew it was going to be a really hard day – I just knew it and felt something really big inside tugging at me! Emotions were really close to the surface from the moment I woke! Emotions scare me – – emotions make me want to run – – I hate feeling, and being with emotions; especially letting them be seen! Yes even in therapy, even after 8 1/2 years of working thru my feelings and it still is a huge struggle for me! When I showed up to therapy I knew from the moment I sat in the waiting room that this was going to be a hard struggle – sitting there waiting I even struggled with and debated on walking out and going home before he came out to get me – which I have never once done in 8 1/2 years of being in therapy. But I stayed with it, I worked with the struggle in the waiting room and knew in […]

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raw and vulnerable – facing my core emotions

I feel like the theme of my writing has been “its been a while since I have written”, and it’s true, it has been a while since I have written, and I think it’s because when I am working so hard internally, I become detached with everything else around me. The work in therapy the past couple of weeks have been really hard but good work! My therapist keeps telling me “I am so proud of you, you are working so hard and you are on such a different path than you were just months ago” – and I believe that because I feel it. I have been trusting and learning more and more of what it means to work with my feelings and emotions “as” I have them; not pushing them away until I can find empowerment over them. I am still waking up in the middle of the night with “crying wake up’s”, and instead of forcing myself back to sleep like I normally do, I have been grabbing my phone or laptop when I wake, and write […]

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vulnerable in my sleep

I have woken up many times in the past week crying out of my sleep; literally crying with tears and all out of my sleep. I have written about this experience before and its something that I have gone through quite a bit in the past couple of years. This past week I have experienced this almost every other night and it has left me feeling emotionally drained! I have talked about it with Andy in therapy and he knows this has been something I have struggled with for years, but we never have put a secure understanding of why it happens when it does and what it truly means. It happened again last night, only this time I cried for an additional hour after I woke – when normally I would fall asleep almost immediately after waking from the crying. My therapist and I think it has something to do with emotions finding their way out when I am most un-able to stop them – in my sleep. Tonight I did some research on this – even contacted someone […]

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the love that surrounds me

I dont even have words to describe the awe and gratitude I have for those who surround me and those who are a part of my life today. I have had a very tough 3 days emotionally. I didn’t know why, or even how I was going to move out of it (as I have never ever felt anything like this before in my life). I have had hard times before, and I have felt depressed on and off like situational depression to certain situations, but it was nothing like these past 3-4 days have been – this was hard stuff. Tonight as I sit here, I feel warm and loved. I feel relieved that my therapist and I sat with this hardness today and came to an understanding of where it came from. I sit here tonight and I am blessed that all day today I got texts and facebook messages from those close to me asking me how I was, and giving me hugs, prayers and good wishes – ALL of which were answered for me. For the past 72 […]

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the powering in just being

I have spent a lifetime hiding behind “true emotions” and putting up walls of okay-ness. I have spent more time in my life putting on a fake front and swallowing the true emotions of how I really feel just to protect others around me. I ask myself – What am I protecting them from? that is a good question, I don’t know, I only know that however I am feeling needs to be put away because I need to be strong and how I really feel doesn’t matter. or so I thought … This past weekend I have come to accept and realize that it’s more work to hide my feelings and put up a front, than it is just to BE however I am feeling and let it be known by those around me. I have found myself crying on a whim this weekend and I was confused as to why, but after reading a very insightful and supportive email from my therapist tonight, I know why –  I’m allowing myself to BE and that is painful, yet healing! My therapist […]

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fearless emotions – take 2!

Much like Saturday morning, emotions found me when waking up – I felt frustrated and the question that played over and over in my head was “what is going on??” What is going on? I have been so strong for 2 months! I have had this over powering energy and I have been running full force into the light of my own path – what is going on!!?? Why are these emotions showing up out of nowhere? I moved through it this morning, and I also felt okay into the day. Driving to my session later on, I felt a little something stirring, but I felt stronger (or was I trying too hard to play the act of being too strong?) I walked into session; put my bag down on the chair closest to the door, and the FLOOD CAME!! Reached over for my therapist and out came the tears, the words, and all the emotions that were sitting at the surface since my last face to face with my emotions. The emotions that came on; barely made it past […]

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the sunspots . .

I have had this story in drafts for months! I have waited for the perfect time to share this part of my story. Tonight it feels right – tonight I post another part of my story. Tonight it feels right on the heels of writing something so hard last night – to now write about something so graceful. There are only 3 people in my life who know about the “sunspots” story from my childhood, and what that means to me even today as an adult. The only 3 people who truly hold this close to their heart as a part of my story, is my therapist, my dear friend Tracy, and GOD. I have never opened up about this before. It was so sacred to me, that I never shared it with my own kids, or my husband. I don’t think anyone could possibly understand the depths of what this meant to me as a child, and how it saved my life. This is where I “met God”. I think the reason I have never really shared the full […]

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the fear of emotions

Before leaving my session today, my therapist said to me, “either you are going to write the best blog you have ever written because of today, or you won’t be able to find the words”. It was that big! He was right about both. I at first couldn’t find the words, and now, as I sit with today, it’s all coming to me in a way that I have never been more present than I am now. Today I felt emotions so big; that eventually it slowly melted away the fear I have had towards emotions for a very long time. I didn’t just cry and have tears behind a wall or that wall of fear, I truly had emotions and felt every single drop of a tear. It was the kind of tears that left me with splotchy cheeks, puffy eyes, a red nose, and a feeling of complete exhaustion! Today I cried and  felt true emotions, and also came relief that I never expected. Today was my longer session that I have on Tuesdays. On my way in, I knew […]

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