it’s so hard to care . . .

Tonight I am writing this blog and giving thanks to my therapist Andy who has truly given me the vision and encouragement to write about something that is so hard to write. I was reminded that  “The truth will set you free”  no matter how hard or how bad it feels inside. This entry is actually one of the hardest, and I am thankful that I was given the strength to help write it. I have started this entry, I have deleted it, started over, I have edited, and I have stopped and I have cried. I have shut the computer, I have walked away, came back to it, had more tears, deleted more, added more! and here I am. This quote speaks truth to my writing tonight and that is – “To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” This photo above reminds me of my mom. It reminds me of the one time that my mom was a mom. It painfully reminds me of what could have been, and what is […]

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room for more goodness…

Yesterday in session we talked a little about this weekend and what connection looked like. We talked about what it would look like to write about something that wasn’t work, but yet very uplifting and healing in a “resting” kind of way. This morning, I woke up to an email from my therapist, with connecting thoughts, reflecting words about the great hard work this past week has been about. Words with some goodness and some thoughts about our work and going forward, and also wanting to know how my Saturday morning was. It was very uplifting – but then, sitting at my desk, I looked out the window for a moment, and I just CRIED! I cried, and I had no idea where in the world the tears came from! It was as if this email I got this morning hit the “release valve button” and out came feelings I didn’t even realize I had this morning – almost like what happened this past Tuesday. I woke up, feeling strong! I got 12 hours of sleep last night, fell asleep once the storms calmed down, with laptop in my lap (working on a blog […]

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the fear of emotions

Before leaving my session today, my therapist said to me, “either you are going to write the best blog you have ever written because of today, or you won’t be able to find the words”. It was that big! He was right about both. I at first couldn’t find the words, and now, as I sit with today, it’s all coming to me in a way that I have never been more present than I am now. Today I felt emotions so big; that eventually it slowly melted away the fear I have had towards emotions for a very long time. I didn’t just cry and have tears behind a wall or that wall of fear, I truly had emotions and felt every single drop of a tear. It was the kind of tears that left me with splotchy cheeks, puffy eyes, a red nose, and a feeling of complete exhaustion! Today I cried and  felt true emotions, and also came relief that I never expected. Today was my longer session that I have on Tuesdays. On my way in, I knew […]

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the courage to ask

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this or not. However, I have always said, “this blog is about healing, and it’s about truth; It’s about my journey going forward”. Every entry I post is one step closer to my true self. Everyday I try and remind myself that every truth spoken, is another foothold to the next. So with that being said – I faced a difficult question that has been pressing me for a very very long time. A question that I have been utterly afraid to ask and talk about; and know the answer to. Saturday night my sister and I had a long talk on the phone (like I mentioned in my last blog entry yesterday). She called me at 12:30am, and just wanted to talk. I don’t know if that was Gods work, or if it was meant to be or not, but for some reason it landed in place as being the right moment. My walls are down, I am not protecting anymore, I have shed the shame, and I am […]

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